Willard College is preparing for a possible strike by its highly valued Flexfaculty. The remaining full time faculty have been asked to fill in for absent FlexFaculty. A schedule is being created to streamline the process of consolidating individual classes. We are using the alphabet as your guide. For example, departments that begin with “A-E” will be consolidated. This means that an Anthropology professor may be asked to cover for a FlexFaculty striking in Biology, Chemistry, and/or English. Where possible, two or three separate classes will be run simultaneously with a single non-striking faculty. Compliant faculty will be awarded free lunch at Willard College’s last functioning cafeteria. Compliants will be asked to complete the required assessment materials for all classes instructed.

Dear Willard College Administrators,

We are in preliminary stages of negotiations to bring future former Attorney General Sessions to head up our Office of Legal Affairs. He tells us that he is currently considering a variety of career moves but that Willard College is in his top five. He mentioned how Willard College aligns closely with most strongly held values. Also, a reminder: this memo is being distributed in strict confidence. DO NOT SHARE OR DISTRIBUTE.

Sincerely,

Henry Cotton

Dear Campus Community,

The recent mis-report that our 2017 Commencement speaker, Dr. Kellyanne Conway, had canceled was incorrect. Willard College had been in contact with the White House and apparently there was a mix-up concerning her schedule. Reince Priebus was also concerned that Willard College might not be a suitable venue for Dr. Conway so there was additional vetting from his office.  Dr. Conway’s commencement address is entitled “It CAN Happen Here because it ALREADY Did!” A very fitting speaker considering our Triumph of the Will commencement of a few years ago.

Sincerely,

President Cotton

Dear President Cotton,

Public Safety is actively and aggressively monitoring the current student walk-out. About 25% of the student body has walked of classes to protest Hillary Clinton’s election. They have gathered at the Charcot Student Center and there has been a string of speeches interspersed with chants of “Lock her Up!” We consider the current situation to not pose a threat to the normal operations of the institution.

Thank you,

Director of Public Safety, Sidney Cullather

Dear Community,

The news that Willard College has gone into receivership has been now widely circulated. We in the administration are still trying to determine what exactly this means, whether it is true, and whose fault it is. In addition, we feel that the financial challenges may be related to the several active lawsuits against Willard College by former, current, and future students. Finally, we are looking into the allegation that the financial problems are likely the result of no wrong doing on the part of myself, President Henry Cotton.

Sincerely, President Cotton

Dear Willard Community,

Please disregard the rising number of unsubstantiated rumors circulating around campus about a supposed increased number of food-borne illnesses. Many students have notice slightly longer than usual lines into the cafeterias during the past few weeks. This was the result of staffing shortages. We corrected this problem by hiring several hundred temporary employees. Each one of these temporary employees went through a rigorous 2 hour training in safe food handling protocols.

Finally, we remind you that the spreading of false rumors that impugn the reputation of Willard College is a Student Conduct Code Violation that may result in suspension without recourse to a tuition refund. Remember, diarrhea, vomiting, and dehydration can occur at any time of the year and the causes are usually very difficult, if not impossible, to pin point. It could as easily be food poisoning, cholera, stomach flu, or even dysentery. Who is to say? And unless you are a epidemiologist, best to keep speculations to yourself.

Bon Appetit,

Vice Provost of Financial Affairs, Dr. Glutina Sucre

Dear Campus Community,

As the new Vice Provost of Financial Affairs, I have recommended to President Cotton that Willard College should offer to serve as Custodian to the financial concerns of both The Clinton Foundation and the Trump Organization during the 2016 Presidential Election. Our purpose is that this will allow the candidates to fully focus on the task at hand and will resolve any questions of impropriety or conflict of interest. The custodianship would be managed by our office with help from student interns who are studying finances and investment.

We hope to hear from both candidates soon!

Sincerely,

Vice Provost of Financial Affairs, Dr. Glutina Sucre