Proposed Willard College Internationalizing Satellite Campus in Costa del Tuyú is Temporarily Suspended Pending Resolution of Legal Technicalities

Dear Board of Trustees, As per your recent directive, Willard College was searching out a suitable location to develop a Willard College Internationalizing Satellite Campus. Our goals were three-fold. First, to be able to access fee paying students who may be interested in the “Willard Experience” but who do not wish to travel to or live in the traditional Willard College setting. Second, we wished to have a place to redirect Willard College students who may have required temporary relocation because of judicial or behavioral issues that are beyond the capacity of our overstretched Campus Public Safety officers. Third, this remote campus might serve as a convenient locale for the College’s alternative banking interests. As you will recall, the College often has found that traditional banking outlets do not afford us the required flexibility to manage assets in innovative or creative ways.

Costa del Tuyú was recently ranked “the best beach community in Argentina, South America” by leaders in the travel and leisure industry. The community boasts a world-renowned summer music festival, excellent shops and restaurants, an efficient municipal government, and other services and amenities.

Sadly, recent events have forced us to temporarily suspend pending resolution of legal technicalities.

Sincerely, The Subcommittee on Legal Affairs of the Board of Trustees [name withheld]

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Confidential Memorandum: President Cotton and Dr. Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton Arrested in Costa del Tuyú, Argentina

Dear Board of Trustees,

I regret to inform you that Willard College is facing a scandal of international proportions. As you know, President Cotton and his wife Dr. Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton were visiting Costa del Tuyu as part of a fact finding mission to determine the suitability of this location for an International Satellite Campus of Willard College. (You will recall that the Australian satellite campus burned down several years ago).

On their first night in Costa de Tuyu, both Cottons were arrested in separate incidents. Apparently, the two were seen arguing at one of the most exclusive restaurants in the beach community. About a half hour later, Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton was apprehended and charged with shoplifting at an exclusive gift shop near the water front.  Costa del Tuyú city officials also have reported that she has been charged additionally with resisting arrest, blasphemy, public scandal, and an assortment of other charges that our legal team, in consultation with the remnants of the Willard College Foreign Modern Languages Department, is trying to translate into American.

Roughly at the same time of this arrest, President Cotton entered the exclusive Bangladesh Discoteca. After drinking heavily and dancing, President Cotton removed all of his clothing and exited the establishment with two bottles of Genever Gin Bols. Subsequent to his arrest, Costa del Tuyú police charged President Cotton with public indecency, public intoxication, public nudity within 100 meters of a house of worship, a public school, and a convent, resisting arrest, as well as a number of other charges that are also being translated from Spanish by the Willard College Foreign Modern Languages Department.

We are in close contact with the municipal government of Costa del Tuyú and hope to have both individuals quickly released and returned safely to Willard College. Please refrain from sharing this information as it is confidential and a matter that has no bearing on the operation of our college.

Sincerely,

Vice Provost of Financial Affairs and interim-General Counsel, Dr. Glutina Sucre

Former Provost Gauleiter and temporary interim-President of Willard College

Willard College Plans for Flexfaculty Illegal Strike

Willard College is preparing for a possible strike by its highly valued Flexfaculty. The remaining full time faculty have been asked to fill in for absent FlexFaculty. A schedule is being created to streamline the process of consolidating individual classes. We are using the alphabet as your guide. For example, departments that begin with “A-E” will be consolidated. This means that an Anthropology professor may be asked to cover for a FlexFaculty striking in Biology, Chemistry, and/or English. Where possible, two or three separate classes will be run simultaneously with a single non-striking faculty. Compliant faculty will be awarded free lunch at Willard College’s last functioning cafeteria. Compliants will be asked to complete the required assessment materials for all classes instructed.

Not for Distribution: Future former Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions considers offer to head up the Willard College Office of Legal Affairs

sessions

Dear Willard College Administrators,

We are in preliminary stages of negotiations to bring future former Attorney General Sessions to head up our Office of Legal Affairs. He tells us that he is currently considering a variety of career moves but that Willard College is in his top five. He mentioned how Willard College aligns closely with most strongly held values. Also, a reminder: this memo is being distributed in strict confidence. DO NOT SHARE OR DISTRIBUTE.

Sincerely,

Henry Cotton