Dear President Cotton, I wish to draw your attention to a crisis in film studies. You are no doubt familiar with the antics of Professor Irene Gala and her husband Professor Gland Gala. Their course, American Film through Film Studies is legendary. And controversial. What follows is a summary and compilation of student complaints. Taken in their sum, we feel that the demonstrate a serious crisis in this class

“Gala and Gala forces students to take sides in their constant fights over different films. One of them will point at a student and ask: “So Ms. A., who is right here, and why? Tell me NOW g-d-t! You can’t weasel out of it!”

“Gala and Gala are often (no always) drunk, if not at the start of the class, by the end of it. A lot of us find this really embarasing. I mean, it’s like seeing your parents drunk.”

“Gland Gala (is that really his first name) calls his wife a “despicable daughter of a whore.” Irene Gala, and I quote, once said the following: “Gland, you one-balled pustule. I should have listened to your mother when she said: “Marry Gland? Oh, dear, don’t do that. Ask his ex-wives.”

“At some point in every class, they both start crying, apologize to each other, lie down on the floor and cuddle. It is so cringey. A little piece of me dies every time I see this. Make it stop.”

“The movies are all just complete crap. Weird movies that went straight to VHS in the 1980s. A lot of the time, the Galas saw them in the 1980s and can’t remember what they are about.”

I could go on. But you get the idea.

Provost Lying

Dear All Key Campus Stakeholders,

What I am going to tell you must remain CONFIDENTIAL.

The Board of Trustees meeting, which concluded last night, paints a perilous financial picture for Willard College. Inflated administration salaries (I disputed this until I was blue in the face), the Joe Biden Inflation Economy, sagging student enrollment, skyrocketing discount rates, and various invaluable but costly training retreats for key leadership, mean that the creditors are literally banging at the door. On this last point, I mean this literally. Representatives of a bank that issued us a loan last year have been standing outside of President Cotton’s door for the past three days. He’s living on peanuts and bottled water.

So, effective immediately, everything that can be monetized should be monetized. Toilet paper in the bathrooms. Hot water for the showers. Stitches at the Student Health Center. Faculty parking rates are going to quadruple. All department office supplies will be secured and sold at auction.

Let’s be creative. What other services do we provide for free that could be monetized!

We need to move very fast or Willard College is going to sink faster than the Titanic.

Dr. Martha Squidds, Vice President of Finance, Marketing, and Parking

Dear Colleagues on the Humanities Working Group (originally called Save Humanities),

We have hit my limit for scheduling challenges. Let’s review where we left things after the last very long and confusing chain of emails. Before I continue, let me again remind everyone to please 1) reply all when appropriate 2) reply to just the sender if it is a personal communication about private medical conditions and 3) avoid addressing issues not relevant to our work, including divorces, flirtations with members of the committee, memes, and gifs. What follows is my effort to distill dozens of very long emails into their essential and relevant information. Remember, please, that we were trying to find one hour next week to meet.

Lyle Pettigrew, English, is only available from 3-4pm on Tuesday even though he is only teaching one class. Theater Studies Professor Devun Calibran shared the following: “I am exhausted from a teaching schedule that requires me to be on campus 2 days a week. Matters are aggravated by a variety of personal issues, including shopping for a new refrigerator and needing to finally do a deep clean of my second floor closet.” Tammy Lyttle, Administration Studies, lost her keys to her office and has not been able to reach her computer to respond in a timely manner. Winston Throttle is currently in a messy divorce with his current wife (his fourth since starting a Willard two years ago). Penelope Doppelganger is teaching no classes due to low/no enrollment but is still “occupied with the work of thinking about teaching.” Johnny Talentless shared: “I have this poem rattling around in my head but I cannot get it out. So, scheduling is tough right now.”

How do we proceed?

Professor Kyle Claudeen

Dear Senior Leadership Team,

Last night’s production of Theater director Lowell Balsaque’s “Titanic: The Last Chapter” was an unmitigated disaster. We anticipate a class action lawsuit by those in attendance and the actors and penalties from the Sylvester County Code Inspectors. We may also lose our accreditation.

Briefly, Professor Balsaque envisioned an ‘experiential’ Titanic performance in which the audience would ‘feel the ship sinking into the icy Arctic waters.’ To that end, high pressure fire hoses were set up, connected to the College’s hydrant system. (You may have walked past the theater and wondered about the hoses). Based on a careful study of the Titanic’s last hours as a floating vessel, Balsaque also arranged for fires to be set.

After the iceberg collision in the performance, large fires were set on stage. At first the audience thought these were fake fires. When they came to realize that the fires were real, and the auditorium was starting to fill with smoke, panic set in. Balsaque had anticipated this and had all of the doors locked from the outside. He wanted those in attendance to ‘feel the panic that the real passengers felt.’ Then came the fire hoses which were directed at both actors and the audience to reproduce the experience of being on a sinking ship. Fortunately, the hoses also extinguished the fire but then the auditorium filled with smoke and steam.

Eventually, fire fighters from surrounding counties broke into the theater and treated audience members for smoke inhalation, panic attacks, several sprained ankles, and three cardiac incidents. Balsaque was questioned by law enforcement and then taken into custody on arson charges.

We really need to lawyer up on this one. This is bad. Unimaginably bad.

President of Willard College Dr. Henry Cotton & Provost Lying

Dear President Cotton,

We are continuing to have difficulties with one of the longest serving faculty on campus. Yes, you know who I’m talking about. Professor Tottle. Somehow, despite our every effort, we have ben unable to dismiss him from Willard College. Between hiring excellent lawyers and managing to hide when we go looking for him, Professor Tottle manages to hang on.

This week, we learned that he is holding classes when he wants to. That means that if at 8am he’s ready to teach, he starts teaching. Even if the class doesn’t start until 9am. This is causing mass chaos for our students, those who still attend class anyway. His latest shenanigans also means that we cannot find him.

We will keep trying to 1) locate Professor Tottle and 2) fire him.

Until then, yours with great devotion,

Provost Lying

Dear Community, The Steven Pudding Foundation has made a generous grant to Willard College. Thanks to the Pudding Family, campus dining will now move into the 21st century with more nutritious offerings to our students.

The Pudding Family have led the way in pathbreaking financial instruments. Fortune called the “Pudding Triangle” “the modern-day version of the Ponzi Scheme.” In a demonstration of our gratitude, the Economics, Business, Finance, Accounting, and CyberCurrency Department now uses the “Pudding Triangle” as the core of all their courses.

Provost Lying.

Today is a momentous day for Willard College, when we gather to joyfully celebrate the origin story of Willard College. It all started as dream of a young cheesemonger, Willard Sylvester. Tired of cheesemongering, and dairy work more generally, he happened upon a slim volume that described a new notetaking technique called stenography. Intrigued, he pored over the book for weeks until his wife grew concerned. She called the family doctor who prescribed cold baths, purgatives, and measured doses of opium. When that failed, she called the town judge. He was about to be committed to the local asylum when he snapped out of his fevered state and announced his vision. “I will create The New American College of Stenography.” What started as a small storefront operation with Sylvester as the only teacher, as well as bursar, provost, and president, soon expanded into a venerable institution that taught not just stenography but also other skills needed to support America’s growing office work force. As the school expanded, he was joined by colleague and office professional, Bartelby Melville. Some of the favorite courses included “Staple removal,” “Paper clip storage,” and “Looking Busy: How do Keep up Appearance.”

The story of how The New American College of Stenography grew into Willard College is a familiar story and I will not belabor the telling here.

Sincerely, President Henry Cotton

Dear Campus, I’m excited to announce a series of drastic cuts that will go into effect immediately across the Willard College campus and community. These cuts come after careful deliberation with the Board of Trustees, President Cotton, Provost Lying, and Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton, who has been hired as a consultant during the vetting and cost-saving study process.

Effective immediately, the following will be implemented

1. Toilet paper will not be provided at campus bathrooms. Bathrooms with low traffic will be closed, the water shut off, the doors locked.
2. Anticipatory involuntary reductions in headcount will occur across campus units, save exempted units. See below.
3. Janitorial, dining hall, and public safety staff will be reduced by 75%. Those duties will be distributed to those faculty who remain employed. Please keep an eye out for a training session. You must do the 8 hour training session to be certified as a custodian, cook, or public safety officer. And you must be certified to remain employed as faculty.
4. Facilities staff, including landscaping, will be introduced to new technologies, including AI, to assist in streamlining as staff capacity is reduced
5. Air conditioning and heating will be available for persons delivering vital services to the college. This includes administration. Faculty access will be determined based on a survey that you will be receiving shortly.
6. Because of the vital role played by sports in maintaining the Willard brand, Athletics is not being reviewed for cuts.

Sincerely, Dr. Ekelhaft Poubelle, Chief Financial Officer

Dear Esteemed and Beloved Trustees of Willard College,

I humbly present relevant information concerning recent rumors to the effect that I, Provost Lying, have, or have attempted, to wield the supreme authority of the college, a power that resides exclusively in the office and person of the President of Willard College, with that person being Dr. President Henry Cotton, whose service to this college remains both unparalleled and sacrificial.

The source of these rumors remains unknown but I have established a committee to determine who is the culpable party. Willard College has faced the threat of false

information before. I refer you to the following cases:

1. Willard College debunks rumors concerning a rise in food-borne illnesses on campus
2. Provost Pillow and President Cotton Refute Rumors
3. Willard College Board of Trustees Repudiate Allegations of Money Laundering
4. President Henry Cotton Refuses to Resign, Announces Promotion

A clear pattern emerges. Rumors circulating are always false.

I have neither the skill or inclination to move beyond the already wide remit of my position as Provost of Willard College, a position that I came to during a period of deep financial and institutional crisis, a crisis that was the fault of forces well beyond the control of our dear and esteemed President, Dr. Henry Cotton, whose steady leadership at the helm remains very steady indeed.

Sincerely, Provost Lying.