Willard College Stage Walk-out to Protest Hillary Clinton’s Election

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Dear President Cotton,

Public Safety is actively and aggressively monitoring the current student walk-out. About 25% of the student body has walked of classes to protest Hillary Clinton’s election. They have gathered at the Charcot Student Center and there has been a string of speeches interspersed with chants of “Lock her Up!” We consider the current situation to not pose a threat to the normal operations of the institution.

Thank you,

Director of Public Safety, Sidney Cullather

What does Financial Ruin really mean?

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Dear Community,

The news that Willard College has gone into receivership has been now widely circulated. We in the administration are still trying to determine what exactly this means, whether it is true, and whose fault it is. In addition, we feel that the financial challenges may be related to the several active lawsuits against Willard College by former, current, and future students. Finally, we are looking into the allegation that the financial problems are likely the result of no wrong doing on the part of myself, President Henry Cotton.

Sincerely, President Cotton

Willard College debunks rumors concerning a rise in food-borne illnesses on campus

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Dear Willard Community,

Please disregard the rising number of unsubstantiated rumors circulating around campus about a supposed increased number of food-borne illnesses. Many students have notice slightly longer than usual lines into the cafeterias during the past few weeks. This was the result of staffing shortages. We corrected this problem by hiring several hundred temporary employees. Each one of these temporary employees went through a rigorous 2 hour training in safe food handling protocols.

Finally, we remind you that the spreading of false rumors that impugn the reputation of Willard College is a Student Conduct Code Violation that may result in suspension without recourse to a tuition refund. Remember, diarrhea, vomiting, and dehydration can occur at any time of the year and the causes are usually very difficult, if not impossible, to pin point. It could as easily be food poisoning, cholera, stomach flu, or even dysentery. Who is to say? And unless you are a epidemiologist, best to keep speculations to yourself.

Bon Appetit,

Vice Provost of Financial Affairs, Dr. Glutina Sucre

Willard College Proposes serving as Custodian of Clinton Foundation and Trump Organization during Election Cycle

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Dear Campus Community,

As the new Vice Provost of Financial Affairs, I have recommended to President Cotton that Willard College should offer to serve as Custodian to the financial concerns of both The Clinton Foundation and the Trump Organization during the 2016 Presidential Election. Our purpose is that this will allow the candidates to fully focus on the task at hand and will resolve any questions of impropriety or conflict of interest. The custodianship would be managed by our office with help from student interns who are studying finances and investment.

We hope to hear from both candidates soon!

Sincerely,

Vice Provost of Financial Affairs, Dr. Glutina Sucre