We continue to have problems at the Willard College Faculty Lounge. Please bear in mind the following rules.

1. Do not reheat soup or other foods in plastic containers on the stove top. Plastic melts when exposed to flames. When the food and plastic melt, it extinguishes the flame and can lead to dangerous gas leaks.
2. Do not microwave food in metal containers. This will cause fires
3. Do not microwave seafood products. It causes the entire building to smell like a fish market.
4. Do not engage in intimate behaviors in the lounge.
5. Alcoholic beverages should not be consumed. Even if they are in a brown paper bag.
6. Remember that the Folgers Coffee Station is available to everyone. If it runs out of coffee, please submit a work order and it will be refilled within the month

Thanks for your attention to these matters.

Provost Lying

Dear Provost Lying,

I’m concerned that the redecoration of President Cotton’s office has gone way over budget. Normally, I could just move money around to cover the deficit but we are in new territory here. As I review the books, the only way to adjust is to cut faculty and staff budgets immediately. Cotton is driving the college deep into the red. Lenders are banging on the door. It has all been fun and games, champagne for breakfast, senior leadership retreats in the Bahamas, etc. but I think we have finally hit the wall.

Please keep this communication PRIVATE.

Secretly, VP of Finances, Meldrim Nackie Loeb

Dear Campus Leaders,

I want to reiterate the approach we will be taking to shift external messaging concerning Willard College. Keep at the forefront of your thinking and work the following: “Telling the Willard College story better doesn’t mean changing anything.” Willard College has faced lawsuits, massive fires, declining enrollment, plummeting endowment, accusations of malfeasance, deaccreditation, and high levels of administrative turnover combined with inflated pay for those same individuals. So how do we move forward? We move forward by CHANGING THE MESSAGING. For too long the College has communicated in a manner that suggests panic, anxiety, and despair. So tell the Willard College as one of continued success, joy, and winning. Here are some examples of slogans that you will start seeing both on campus and in mailers to prospective students. “Willard College is Joy.” “Willard College is Winning. Again.”

Again, a reminder. We are winning. We just need to remind the world. That we are winning!

Director of Communications, Willie Pringles

Thanks to a generous donation, the Willard College Faculty Lounge now has coffee service. Please use the coffee machine responsibly and remember that the valves and tubing require frequent cleaning. Willard College will provide coffee products

Dear Willard Faculty,

Please consult the above flow chart for review of new and existing courses. As you can see, we’ve streamlined the process to better insure that our students continue to receive the high quality educational experiences that they’ve paid so dearly to enjoy. We are also pre-aligning with federal guidelines.

Sincerely, Provost Lying and Dean Stefan Wolkke, Curricular Affairs

Dear Community,

As part of our continued effort to trim costs while continuing to deliver a high caliber education, effectively immediately the Department of Dance is being outsourced to licensed professional dance instructors in Sylvester County. If you have questions concerning earning valuable college credits, please contact Dr. Jordache Cakebar or someone on his staff which at present is only Dr. Cakebar.

With love,

Provost Lying

Dr. President Henry Cotton offered some reflections on Leadership Levels at the College Rectors Administrators and Presidents annual gathering. He reflected on a career in leadership. The challenges. The victories. The resistance to change that he has overcome. The hatred. The bitterness.

“It is easier to thought lead than to people lead. Or as we used to say ‘It is easier to be a thought leader than a leader of people.’ Thoughts. Those come to me every hour. I write them down. I then share them with my Senior Leadership Team. At that point, the brilliant thoughts dissipate, like gases released into the air, as the thoughts come into contact with people. People who cannot execute the idea as I envisioned it when I was thought leading don’t just hold back Willard College. They hold back my leadership.”

After concluding the speech, Dr. President Cotton received a standing ovation. Lunch was then served.

Provost Lying

Dear Senior Leadership,

This is a highly classified communication. Do not share this email or the contents therein.

President Cotton has hired Samantha Swine of Holstein, Holstein, and Burger to take the lead in the rebranding of President Cotton. Following recent news stories concerning Dr. Cotton and his wife Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton, trust in our president’s unique leadership style has come under intense and unfair scrutiny. Particularly concerning are false accusations of low engagement with campus life, allegations (false!) of financial mismanagement, and nepotism.

Samantha Swine will be on campus for the next two months and will be speaking directly with each of you. Please be honest with Ms. Swine of your (honest) assessment of areas where Dr. Cotton’s leadership could be improved while also remembering the non-disclosure agreements that you each signed prior to coming on board with Willard College.

Sincerely, Dr. Martha Squidds, Vice President of Finance, Marketing, and Parking and Provost Lying

Dear Willard College Student Bodies,

Starting in the Spring semester, there will be changes to food labeling at the Willard College Dining Facilities. To reduce confusion and to increase inclusion, food types will be labeled with a new and updated color coding system. Please put to memory the code as it will not be posted at the food service areas of the cafeterias. We are also eliminating signage that explains what the food is, only what it contains or does not contain. The new system was made possible by a generous grant from the Pudding Family.

Sign Color Key

Orange: Non gluten

Green: Vegan

Purple: Vegan and non-gluten

Pink: Contains seafood, including shell fish

Dark Brown: Contains Nuts

Light Brown: Contains Red meat

Black: Contains Soy

Yellow: Contains Artificial Sweetners

Fuchsia: Contains Ingredients Produced in Slave-like conditions (domestic and international)

Grey: Contains Ingredients unknown

Please commit this list to memory.

Sincerely, Joe Hairnett, Assistant Director of Dining Services