Dear Campus Community,

As the new Vice Provost of Financial Affairs, I have recommended to President Cotton that Willard College should offer to serve as Custodian to the financial concerns of both The Clinton Foundation and the Trump Organization during the 2016 Presidential Election. Our purpose is that this will allow the candidates to fully focus on the task at hand and will resolve any questions of impropriety or conflict of interest. The custodianship would be managed by our office with help from student interns who are studying finances and investment.

We hope to hear from both candidates soon!

Sincerely,

Vice Provost of Financial Affairs, Dr. Glutina Sucre

Yes, it is called “Assdules.”

Situated on a bucolic rural campus with few distractions, Willard College is the ideal institution to serve your graduate study needs. Whether your interest is law, medicine, business, advanced graduate studies, sports studies, leisure studies, advanced graduate studies, or a doctoral program in one (or two) of over 500 disciplines, look no more. Willard College University Graduate Programs are committed to you, and only you. Make a difference. Make it Willard!

Dear President Cotton, After a string of emails from “Chip,” it looks as if he may be blackmailing us. He wrote: “I am available for consulting, if interested I will send you a fee schedule.” In a follow up email, “Chip” wrote: “I live five hours from any airport, and I only travel by Greyhound bus. By my calculations, it should take about 48 hours to get from my home in [deleted] to Willard. Once I’m there, we can talk in person about my ideas concerning the actualization of the Podule System.”

How shall I proceed?

Provost Confabuloso

Dear President Cotton, We are getting LITERALLY inundated with emails of support for the Podule system and its implications beyond curricular redesign. See below from a guy named “Chip,” a professional blogger on questions of public policy.

“Excellent point, the whole concept of “faculty” is not only elitist but so 20th century. Students should be able to leverage their own holistic senses of achievement synergistically with each other, upload the creative products into their online learning portfolio to show their ability to critically think about social media and other crucially important things. I mean, who needs history or english, that doesn’t even make sense any more!”

We either move forward quickly with Facultix or we are consigned to the dustbin of history. I will prepare a study on this issue soon.

Provost Confabuloso

“What about just phasing out faculty altogether? Students could have peer counselors or RAs advise them in their residential self-directed online and collaborative learning.”

This question, from Indiana, is leading our administration towards a series of very fruitful and interesting conversations!

We are assessing the implications of this interesting question.