Dear Campus Leaders,

I want to reiterate the approach we will be taking to shift external messaging concerning Willard College. Keep at the forefront of your thinking and work the following: “Telling the Willard College story better doesn’t mean changing anything.” Willard College has faced lawsuits, massive fires, declining enrollment, plummeting endowment, accusations of malfeasance, deaccreditation, and high levels of administrative turnover combined with inflated pay for those same individuals. So how do we move forward? We move forward by CHANGING THE MESSAGING. For too long the College has communicated in a manner that suggests panic, anxiety, and despair. So tell the Willard College as one of continued success, joy, and winning. Here are some examples of slogans that you will start seeing both on campus and in mailers to prospective students. “Willard College is Joy.” “Willard College is Winning. Again.”

Again, a reminder. We are winning. We just need to remind the world. That we are winning!

Director of Communications, Willie Pringles

Thanks to a generous donation, the Willard College Faculty Lounge now has coffee service. Please use the coffee machine responsibly and remember that the valves and tubing require frequent cleaning. Willard College will provide coffee products

Dear Willard Faculty,

Please consult the above flow chart for review of new and existing courses. As you can see, we’ve streamlined the process to better insure that our students continue to receive the high quality educational experiences that they’ve paid so dearly to enjoy. We are also pre-aligning with federal guidelines.

Sincerely, Provost Lying and Dean Stefan Wolkke, Curricular Affairs

Dear Community,

As part of our continued effort to trim costs while continuing to deliver a high caliber education, effectively immediately the Department of Dance is being outsourced to licensed professional dance instructors in Sylvester County. If you have questions concerning earning valuable college credits, please contact Dr. Jordache Cakebar or someone on his staff which at present is only Dr. Cakebar.

With love,

Provost Lying

Dr. President Henry Cotton offered some reflections on Leadership Levels at the College Rectors Administrators and Presidents annual gathering. He reflected on a career in leadership. The challenges. The victories. The resistance to change that he has overcome. The hatred. The bitterness.

“It is easier to thought lead than to people lead. Or as we used to say ‘It is easier to be a thought leader than a leader of people.’ Thoughts. Those come to me every hour. I write them down. I then share them with my Senior Leadership Team. At that point, the brilliant thoughts dissipate, like gases released into the air, as the thoughts come into contact with people. People who cannot execute the idea as I envisioned it when I was thought leading don’t just hold back Willard College. They hold back my leadership.”

After concluding the speech, Dr. President Cotton received a standing ovation. Lunch was then served.

Provost Lying

Dear Senior Leadership,

This is a highly classified communication. Do not share this email or the contents therein.

President Cotton has hired Samantha Swine of Holstein, Holstein, and Burger to take the lead in the rebranding of President Cotton. Following recent news stories concerning Dr. Cotton and his wife Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton, trust in our president’s unique leadership style has come under intense and unfair scrutiny. Particularly concerning are false accusations of low engagement with campus life, allegations (false!) of financial mismanagement, and nepotism.

Samantha Swine will be on campus for the next two months and will be speaking directly with each of you. Please be honest with Ms. Swine of your (honest) assessment of areas where Dr. Cotton’s leadership could be improved while also remembering the non-disclosure agreements that you each signed prior to coming on board with Willard College.

Sincerely, Dr. Martha Squidds, Vice President of Finance, Marketing, and Parking and Provost Lying

Dear Willard College Student Bodies,

Starting in the Spring semester, there will be changes to food labeling at the Willard College Dining Facilities. To reduce confusion and to increase inclusion, food types will be labeled with a new and updated color coding system. Please put to memory the code as it will not be posted at the food service areas of the cafeterias. We are also eliminating signage that explains what the food is, only what it contains or does not contain. The new system was made possible by a generous grant from the Pudding Family.

Sign Color Key

Orange: Non gluten

Green: Vegan

Purple: Vegan and non-gluten

Pink: Contains seafood, including shell fish

Dark Brown: Contains Nuts

Light Brown: Contains Red meat

Black: Contains Soy

Yellow: Contains Artificial Sweetners

Fuchsia: Contains Ingredients Produced in Slave-like conditions (domestic and international)

Grey: Contains Ingredients unknown

Please commit this list to memory.

Sincerely, Joe Hairnett, Assistant Director of Dining Services

Dear President Cotton, I wish to draw your attention to a crisis in film studies. You are no doubt familiar with the antics of Professor Irene Gala and her husband Professor Gland Gala. Their course, American Film through Film Studies is legendary. And controversial. What follows is a summary and compilation of student complaints. Taken in their sum, we feel that the demonstrate a serious crisis in this class

“Gala and Gala forces students to take sides in their constant fights over different films. One of them will point at a student and ask: “So Ms. A., who is right here, and why? Tell me NOW g-d-t! You can’t weasel out of it!”

“Gala and Gala are often (no always) drunk, if not at the start of the class, by the end of it. A lot of us find this really embarasing. I mean, it’s like seeing your parents drunk.”

“Gland Gala (is that really his first name) calls his wife a “despicable daughter of a whore.” Irene Gala, and I quote, once said the following: “Gland, you one-balled pustule. I should have listened to your mother when she said: “Marry Gland? Oh, dear, don’t do that. Ask his ex-wives.”

“At some point in every class, they both start crying, apologize to each other, lie down on the floor and cuddle. It is so cringey. A little piece of me dies every time I see this. Make it stop.”

“The movies are all just complete crap. Weird movies that went straight to VHS in the 1980s. A lot of the time, the Galas saw them in the 1980s and can’t remember what they are about.”

I could go on. But you get the idea.

Provost Lying

Dear All Key Campus Stakeholders,

What I am going to tell you must remain CONFIDENTIAL.

The Board of Trustees meeting, which concluded last night, paints a perilous financial picture for Willard College. Inflated administration salaries (I disputed this until I was blue in the face), the Joe Biden Inflation Economy, sagging student enrollment, skyrocketing discount rates, and various invaluable but costly training retreats for key leadership, mean that the creditors are literally banging at the door. On this last point, I mean this literally. Representatives of a bank that issued us a loan last year have been standing outside of President Cotton’s door for the past three days. He’s living on peanuts and bottled water.

So, effective immediately, everything that can be monetized should be monetized. Toilet paper in the bathrooms. Hot water for the showers. Stitches at the Student Health Center. Faculty parking rates are going to quadruple. All department office supplies will be secured and sold at auction.

Let’s be creative. What other services do we provide for free that could be monetized!

We need to move very fast or Willard College is going to sink faster than the Titanic.

Dr. Martha Squidds, Vice President of Finance, Marketing, and Parking