As part of the Willard Forever Plan, we are re-re-rebranding Willard College. As noted on page 32 of your new “Faculty Manual,” you will see that faculty are asked to included the brand logo and motto into all course materials and to incorporate said branding into all lessons plan and pedagogy. Please remember, therefore, to keep “Where Yesterday’s Tomorrow is Tomorrow’s Today” at the forefront of your class. Willard College logos MUST be on all course handouts, including syllabi. If you need assistance in thinking outside of the box, please do not hesitate to contact our office.
Parceque Beaucoup, Dean of Marketing, Branding, and Merchandising
Please find below our proposal to monetize the Willard College Graduation Experience. Our report is based on a close study of best practice at similar institutions as ours, including the Metropolitan Transit Authority, the Atlanta Braves, and the Brittney Spears national tours.
The area of graduation seating will be secured with a perimeter fence forty eight hours prior to the commencement of the commencement ceremony. Turnstiles will be placed at the four entry points into the graduation ceremony space. Each person entering must deposit five dollars in quarters into the turnstile to gain entry. For those who may have neglected to bring the quarters, there will be change machines places near the turnstile.
Once the family and friends are inside the perimeter, they will encounter a range of retail options on the way to their assigned seats. These include sale of the graduation program, as well as various Willard College branded products, including stadium seating cushions. Attendees may also upgrade to chairs with backs and cushions for $25 per person. Photography is forbidden during the ceremony, but family can purchase photos of their child walking across the stage for $25.
We are still planning for a number of other measures, including charging for parking, charging to release students from their dormitory and meal plan contracts, etc.
In a previous memorandum, I laid out the protocol for your departure from Willard College. If the keys to your office no longer work, you have been separated. The paper work explaining your separation were left on your desk in your office. Please read the instructions carefully. As you know, we are short-staffed and your cooperation in separating in a calm and orderly fashion is most appreciated.
Below are some follow up items that have come up as issues to consider
A. If you are separating from the College and you are the last person in your department or unit, PLEASE turn off the lights and unplug the coffee machine before you leave, empty the trash, and put away any perishable food items
B. Please avoid acts of vandalism. Let’s respect our campus.
C. Due to budget constraints, the Holiday Party will be restricted to the Senior Leadership Team.
With many thanks advance for your years of service. Don’t think we won’t remember you.
We just received a long and angry note from Dr. Dale Richards, a scholar of Thirteenth Century Danish poetry, a professor in the English-Writing-French-Sociology Hybrid-Department. He is threatening to quite and “take my work into the private sector.” This is a great sign that our work in making Willard a sub-par employer of choice for faculty is working. How shall we proceed?
Dr. Narcisse Nefasto, wanted on federal money laundering and embezzlement charges, has fled the area. She is believed to be armed and dangerous. According to Dr. Henry Cotton and Dr. Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton, she is inclined to fantastical stories about what “really happened” with the missing money. Listen calmly to her insane stories that implicate the Cottons. She is delusional. And she is a criminal.
Thank you President Cotton for naming names as we try to sort out the various improprieties that have taken place on our campus over the past year. We thank you for your tremendous courage in helping us to investigate the question surrounding missing college funds. Naturally, we suspected that the accusations against you and your wife, Dr. and Right Reverend Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton were spurious at best. Now that you have clearly indicated that Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil and Dr. Narcisse Nefasto, Provost of Non-Academics, were engaged in a nefarious plot to both destroy your good name AND to rob the college of its hard heard money, we have taken immediate action on the legal front. Both individuals will likely be in police custody soon. We feel that their ill-considered decision to flee is sufficient evidence of their culpability. It reminds us, sadly, of the case of Provost Pillow, who remains behind bars to this day for a similar crime.
Allow me to introduce myself. Hello. My name is Babs “Pickle” Spiker and I have been appointed as Vice President of Bitcoin operations. Effective tomorrow, Willard College will start what I think everyone will agree is a visionary and bold new chapter in our history. Bitcoin mining will earn the college anywhere in the ball park of -$13,500,000 to $36,000,000. I’m new to this exciting new industry, but from what I gather, it will cause a bit of a pull from our electrical grid and IT capacity. During high price moments, the campus will go dark and there will be no computer service available. We apologize that during these draw downs, there will be no warning so please remember to save anything you have on computers frequently. Each student will be provided with a candle and a small box of matches on Sunday evening. This candle is expected to last the entire week.
If none of this makes sense to you, don’t worry. Just get ready for rolling campus blackouts and for the cash to roll in!
In a closed session of the Board of Trustees, Dr. Henry Cotton explained that allegations against him and the Right Reverend and Sanctified Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton of racketeering and money laundering are baseless, and those who are making the allegations are motivated by pecuniary interests of the most unsavory nature. Dr. Cotton reminded the Board of Trustees of his tireless and really completely selfless work on behalf of Willard College, which through no fault of his own, has defaulted on its loans, faced withering and shrinking enrollment declines, and now approached the cliff with respect to deferred maintenance on the campus facilities. He noted that Willard College started in a deficit as the campus was created on the grounds of the former Willard Insane Asylum and at the time of the purchase, many of the buildings were already in need of work.
It with a sincere humility that I share with each and everyone one of you that today I Sanctified and Anointed myself as the Right Reverend and Holy and Sanctified Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton. I can promise that in the days and months ahead you will find a different and more spiritually focused leadership from Dr. Henry Cotton and his Senior Leadership Team. To that end, we are all taking the next three weeks in Spiritual Retreat and Rebuilding. A new and brighter day is soon to come to Willard College.
With sincere blessings,
The Right Reverend and Holy and Sanctified Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton, PhD
Dear Campus Beloved Community, I wish to directly address unfounded and scurrilous rumors concerning my alleged resignation as president of Willard College. Literally nothing could be further from the truth. In point of fact, the Board of Trustees has announced my promotion to President and Senior Chief Financial Executive. In further point of fact, Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton, in recognition of her tireless work on my behalf and of the college, has been appointed as a lifetime member of the Board of Trustees.
Rumors hurt. Rumors kill. If you hear a rumor, it is your job to not just not spread the rumor, but to report it directly to me. I have recently appointed Johnny “Sparkles” Pringle as my new Chief of Internal Intelligence. His office will collect and assess all internal communications that may be occurring that we view as impinging on the operational functionality of the college.
In closing, I ain’t going no where.
Sincerely, PRESIDENT and Senior Chief Financial Executive Henry Cotton, Ph.D.