At 9am this morning, during the Department of Foreign Modern Languages weekly meeting, a verbal altercation commenced between Pro and Anti-Cotton factions. While French faculty lobbied for the department to reject the return of President Cotton and supported the restoration of currently ex-President (and ex-provost) Gauleiter, Spanish faculty issued a robust defense of President Cotton. Under the banner “Without Cotton, there is no Willard. And Willard is nothing without Cotton,” Spanish faculty proceeded to physically assault the French faculty who then called upon support from the last remaining professor of Latin who tripped over his own sandals and had to be hospitalized with a sprained wrist and an anxiety attack.
The Department of Education, the second oldest academic department at Willard College, expresses it deep regret for failing to more quickly support President Cotton and Dr. Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton during their forced and regrettable absence from campus. Our failure to recognize your critical leadership skills resulted from certain deviations within the program. To correct these problems, we are conducting a year-long self study and self-critique. We feel that our deep knowledge and expertise in Theoretical Pedagogies will allow us to quickly attain elevated Praxis.
The Department of Psychology is the oldest academic department at Willard College. We date back to the foundation of the Willard Asylum and successfully transitioned from the Department of Mental Pathology and the Work Therapy Clinic when the hospital became a college. And so it is with great pride and joy that we announce our undying loyalty to the recently reinstated President Cotton. We reject the calumny and lies that have been spread about our beloved president who, through no fault of his own, was detained by the police of Costa del Tuyú along with his wife Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton (who was recently granted tenure in abstentia and will be running our Marriage Counseling Program). We note that at the time of their detention, imprisonment, and confinement to a psychiatric clinic, there were grave concerns about the legal procedures that took place, the the Cottons were without counsel, that certain court documents were not in English (due to the commission of the alleged crime occurring in Argentina). We also reject the allegation that in hiring Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton to our department we have in any way participated in, or been influenced by, any effort to curry favor with the now restored president. Finally, we thank the Board of Trustees for making the wise decision to rehire President Cotton. During his absence, the College has witnessed increasing insubordination from faculty and a general deterioration of morale. Likewise, during Cotton’s absence, many important initiatives have stalled out. Willard College needs President Cotton because President Cotton is Willard College. Without both together, there is nothing.
Professor Frank Metrazol, PhD
The Commencement Planning Committee has shared with the Board of Trustees a list of recommendations to help us avoid the problems from last year’s commencement. You’ll recall that at last year’s commencement, which lasted 13 hour and 43 minutes, 3 people died from heart attacks, two babies were born, 89 people were hospitalized for drug overdoses, alcohol poisoning, dehydration, and food poisoning, and 4 guests walked away from the event and were never seen again. We recommend:
- Commencement should not last more than five hours.
- All Commencement speeches should be in English.
- Bathrooms on campus should remain open and accessible.
- Campus Riot Police and SWAT team should be on stand-by but should not actively patrol during Commencement.
- All speakers should be required to be sober.
Commencement Planning Committee