Willard College Announces COVID-19 Response

Dear Willard College Community,

There is no reason to panic about COVID-19 which is no more than a mild cold in most cases. Risk Assessment has been in consultation with our VP of Financial Affairs and we can to the determination that closing campus poses a greater risk to our financial well-being than COVID-19 will to our students’ health. What happens if COVID-19 should appear on campus? Fortunately, as our campus is on a former hospital, we have a wide array of quarantine facilities that can be updated and student ready in a week’s time. Students who test positive for COVID-19, or in the likely absence of the test kits, shows a temperature of about 1 degree above normal, will be confined to the College’s famous unit for the Dangerous Insane.

There is no call for panic. Plan right, sleep tight. Plan wrong, etc.

Sincerely,

President Cotton

Palermo Case Continues Unsolved

Dear Senior Leadership Team, Has anyone seen this individual on campus. He goes by Frank “Blinky” Palermo and may in fact be the person we are looking for. He supposedly died in 1996, but anyway, if you see this man, please let me know. No need to get the police involved. I may need a small cash advance.

Quietly,

Henry Cotton

Who is Blinky Palermo?

Dear Senior Administration Team,

We just got a cease and desist order and a law suit from someone named “Blinky Palermo.” Does anyone know who this person is, why they are suing us, if they ever worked at Willard College, what the conflict with Willard might be, and if they would be willing to sit down and negotiate. Do we know if their real name is “Blinky?” Willard College needs another law suit like we need a hole in our head. We had our lowest number of applying students in two decades this year. Our endowment is now at -$409,834.56. That is, the endowment owes the fund managers. Several dorms have been shuttered. Faculty are going on wild cat strike next semester unless they get paid. Students are apparently organizing their own strike. So, let me repeat. Who is Blinky Palermo and how can we stop this person from hammering one more nail in our coffin?

Secretly,

President Cotton

Holiday Greetings from Dr. Henry Cotton, President of Willard College

 

The season is upon us. The boughs of mistletoe, the fragrance of pine. As you may have heard, Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton and I have been temporarily separated now for a few months. She’s in Costa Rica trying to sort things out. Yoga, surfing, and four hour long massages. Meanwhile, I’m here, working up a list of leadership readings to get me back into the leadership head space.

See everyone back in January.

Dr. Henry Cotton

Dr. Faux, Director of the Willard College Health Center, Resigns

 

Dear Faculty and Staff,

Effective this morning, Dr. Faux resigned as director of the Willard College Health Center. Dr. Faux has been with Willard College for 63 years, since we were a psychiatric hospital and so we see in his resignation that last bridge to the past departing. Dr. Faux’s pioneering work in leucotomy raised his profile nationally. Dr. Faux was successful in cutting costs and helping students to not seek out unnecessary and unnecessarily costly medical interventions. Dr. Faux was also the sole medical staff at our Health Center so please direct students to the Sylvester County Hospital for any life-threatening or routine medical concerns.

Thanks again Dr. Faux!

Love, Dr. Henry Cotton