Willard College Cooking Club Banned from Cooking

During the Granular Examination process, the Office of Student Clubs determined that best practices preclude the Willard College Cooking Club from cooking. As the report noted “we are following best practices as exemplified by Penn State’s recent ban of the Outdoors Club going outdoors. Cooking, like camping, hiking, canoeing, walking, bird-watching, etc., is dangerous and the College should not incur financial loss or brand damage that may proceed from accidents or other incidents.” Effective immediately, students may not cook on campus.

Sincerely,

Dr. Cándido Foa, PhD

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Willard College Submits to Granular Examination

I have directed all levels of administration, from my office down to Supervisors of Janitorial Staff, to conduct a Granular Examination of every single aspect of Willard College’s operation. Each unit must submit within 24 hours of the issuance of this memorandum a complete breakdown of every single expenditure, from salaries and wages to paper clips. This directive is motivated by clear evidence that the college is not operating a top efficiency, that waste has become endemic, that staff and faculty operate with neither transparency nor responsibility. Granular Examination will be followed by Granular Assessment and Protocol Reassessment.

thank you,

Dr. Candido Foa on behalf of President Cotton

President Cotton will not reveal the name of the new Provost

After a closed national search for a new Provost, Willard College is pleased to announce that Dr. _____ __________________, Ed.D., has accepted our position. Provost-elect ______________ will be arriving to campus on June ______ after he settles up his affairs at ___________ College in __________, _ _. Provost ____________ is a nationally recognized leader in ________________ and was the lead consultant on the ________________________________________________________________________________________. He also ___________________________. In keeping with best practices, after conducting a closed search, Provost ________________ requested that the details of his identity remain closed to the Willard College community until _______________________________.

We appreciate your willingness to respect Provost ___________’s request for anonymity at this time. We also remind the entire community that the non-disclosure agreement that you signed is legally binding in perpetuity. Violation of the non-disclosure will result in legal action and could lead to prison.

Have a great week.

President Cotton

Letter of Thanks from the College of West-Central New York and the Niagara Frontier’s Dr. María Soledad Fintzsimmons, Ph.D.

Dear President Cotton:   

 I want to take this opportunity to thank you and your institution for helping host this year’s Liberal Arts and Sciences annual conference.  Your institution welcomed over 100 participants from all over North America and former British Empire.  Everyone was charmed by the beauty of the campus: from the rolling hills in the distance to the charming campus quad.  The bucolic setting help but all of the presenters at ease.  

Your faculty embraced us with warmth. They showered us with attention, and praised our academic efforts.   The guided tour around town by the provost was particularly delightful.  We were able to enjoy all of the boutique shopping and indulge in local craft beer sampling that surround Willard College.  To have a provost so engaged with the local community is refreshing.   

 I should also like to point out that the student volunteers at the conference were delightful.  They assisted us ‘absent minded professor types’ in finding the correct rooms where we were presenting, directing us to the bathroom facilities, but most importantly helped us get our PowerPoints up and running.  I cannot even imagine how we would function without these volunteers.   

 All in all, Willard College hosted a magnificent event.   

 Sincerely,  

 María Soledad Fitzsimmons, Ph.D.  

Professor, Applied and Creative Historical Studies  

The College of West-Central New York and the Niagara Frontier