Dear President Cotton,

Thank you for your long and irate email concerning the unfinished dormitory project. We’d like to review how we got where we are. A decade ago, Willard College’s Strategic Planning Subcommittee of the Planning Committee communicated to the Board of Trustees that although the college age population will be falling of the demographic cliff that it was time to expand the campus housing stock. Samantha Swine of Holstein, Holstein and Burger consulted on hiring the architects. During the entire process from concept to execution, no one seemed to notice that the site had overlap with a swamp. These kinds of things are often difficult to detect, especially if there has been a lot of rain or if birds are flying around. Again, like the demographic cliff, no reasonable person could have predicted these problems. Even the mosquito infestation was not necessarily swamp connected.

At present we are looking for creative ways to repurpose these not-quite-finished facilities.

Sincerely,

VP of Facilities, Thwart Cobbleskill and VP of Finance, Percosette Waterson

Dear Senior Leadership Team Members,

President Cotton has raised an important issue concerning snacking, and eating and drinking more generally, during our daily meetings. Aside from the distracting noise of slurping and crunching and chewing, we are finding the conference room littered and stained with juice, coffee, chip crumbs, little shreds of lettuce, bread crusts, and so forth.

After a month long study of the issue, the Decorum in Meetings subcommittee has come upon a solution. Please purchase immediately a sippy cup-snack tray as pictured above. This will consolidate snack foods and drinks and will reduce both the mess and the noise.

Sincerely and Loyally on Behalf of President Cotton,

Provost Lying

Dear President Cotton,

As per your request, we looked into the Men’s Soccer team’s 0-15 record last fall. We think we figured out the problem. Coach Jimmy Hamburger was apparently not vetted before he was hired. He has no training or experience as a coach. He ran an arcade on the Jersey Shore. Apparently the team’s entire training schedule was comprised of playing Fussball. None of the players complained because practice sessions also included beer and tacos.

Provost Lying and Director of Athletics, Johnson Balls

We continue to have problems at the Willard College Faculty Lounge. Please bear in mind the following rules.

1. Do not reheat soup or other foods in plastic containers on the stove top. Plastic melts when exposed to flames. When the food and plastic melt, it extinguishes the flame and can lead to dangerous gas leaks.
2. Do not microwave food in metal containers. This will cause fires
3. Do not microwave seafood products. It causes the entire building to smell like a fish market.
4. Do not engage in intimate behaviors in the lounge.
5. Alcoholic beverages should not be consumed. Even if they are in a brown paper bag.
6. Remember that the Folgers Coffee Station is available to everyone. If it runs out of coffee, please submit a work order and it will be refilled within the month

Thanks for your attention to these matters.

Provost Lying

Dear Provost Lying,

I’m concerned that the redecoration of President Cotton’s office has gone way over budget. Normally, I could just move money around to cover the deficit but we are in new territory here. As I review the books, the only way to adjust is to cut faculty and staff budgets immediately. Cotton is driving the college deep into the red. Lenders are banging on the door. It has all been fun and games, champagne for breakfast, senior leadership retreats in the Bahamas, etc. but I think we have finally hit the wall.

Please keep this communication PRIVATE.

Secretly, VP of Finances, Meldrim Nackie Loeb

Dear Campus Leaders,

I want to reiterate the approach we will be taking to shift external messaging concerning Willard College. Keep at the forefront of your thinking and work the following: “Telling the Willard College story better doesn’t mean changing anything.” Willard College has faced lawsuits, massive fires, declining enrollment, plummeting endowment, accusations of malfeasance, deaccreditation, and high levels of administrative turnover combined with inflated pay for those same individuals. So how do we move forward? We move forward by CHANGING THE MESSAGING. For too long the College has communicated in a manner that suggests panic, anxiety, and despair. So tell the Willard College as one of continued success, joy, and winning. Here are some examples of slogans that you will start seeing both on campus and in mailers to prospective students. “Willard College is Joy.” “Willard College is Winning. Again.”

Again, a reminder. We are winning. We just need to remind the world. That we are winning!

Director of Communications, Willie Pringles

Thanks to a generous donation, the Willard College Faculty Lounge now has coffee service. Please use the coffee machine responsibly and remember that the valves and tubing require frequent cleaning. Willard College will provide coffee products

Dear Willard Faculty,

Please consult the above flow chart for review of new and existing courses. As you can see, we’ve streamlined the process to better insure that our students continue to receive the high quality educational experiences that they’ve paid so dearly to enjoy. We are also pre-aligning with federal guidelines.

Sincerely, Provost Lying and Dean Stefan Wolkke, Curricular Affairs

Dear Community,

As part of our continued effort to trim costs while continuing to deliver a high caliber education, effectively immediately the Department of Dance is being outsourced to licensed professional dance instructors in Sylvester County. If you have questions concerning earning valuable college credits, please contact Dr. Jordache Cakebar or someone on his staff which at present is only Dr. Cakebar.

With love,

Provost Lying

Dr. President Henry Cotton offered some reflections on Leadership Levels at the College Rectors Administrators and Presidents annual gathering. He reflected on a career in leadership. The challenges. The victories. The resistance to change that he has overcome. The hatred. The bitterness.

“It is easier to thought lead than to people lead. Or as we used to say ‘It is easier to be a thought leader than a leader of people.’ Thoughts. Those come to me every hour. I write them down. I then share them with my Senior Leadership Team. At that point, the brilliant thoughts dissipate, like gases released into the air, as the thoughts come into contact with people. People who cannot execute the idea as I envisioned it when I was thought leading don’t just hold back Willard College. They hold back my leadership.”

After concluding the speech, Dr. President Cotton received a standing ovation. Lunch was then served.

Provost Lying