Dear Foreign Language Faculty, We have Off-Shored and Out-Sourced foreign language studies to College Platon in Montreal. Now our students can study Japanese, Polish, Chinese, Russian, French, Bulgarian, German, English, Turkish, Swedish, etc. in French. If everyone could make sure to drop off your keys before the end of the day that would be much appreciated and will make this difficult transition easier.

No one is more grateful for your tireless service and sacrifice. No one loves the study of foreign language more than I do.

President Dr. Henry Cotton, Ph.D.

Dear Willard College Faculty, As the freshman class of Willard College arrives (hopefully), remember that it is incumbent on each and everyone of you to Look Like You Care at all times. Some helpful suggestions:

• Facial expressions matter. Most humans can pick up on signals that the listener has disengaged mentally and emotionally. At minimum, listen with your eyes open and interject with statements like “Yes,” “I hear you,” and “I’ve often thought the same thing.”
• Dress like you care. Clean clothes communicate that you put some thought into showing up to work.
• Try to pretend to try to learn your students’ names. Mnemonic devices can help. Bill is from Buffalo. Buffalo Bills.
• Put a picture of a family up in your office. If you have no family, we can provide you with a pretend family. Pictures of family convey that you have some experience in developing emotional connections to people.
• Avoid smoking and drinking hard alcohol at least 12 hours before you expect to be in contact with students.
• If a class required for their major has been cancelled because of low/non enrollment, explain that the class was so popular that there wasn’t room for even one more student

In conclusion, Willard College is up against the wall financially. All of your jobs depend on not losing any more to summer melt, law suits, transfers, etc. I refuse to resort to threats against my faculty. But I suggest you all take this seriously.

Sincerely, Dr. President Henry Cotton

Please join us in Welcoming to Willard College our new Dean of Provosts, Dr. Wilton Evans. A scholar in his own right, Dr. Evans brings many decades of experience to the newly created position of Dean of Provosts. His mission will be to foster and encourage the work of our Provosts, Vice Provosts, and Associate Provosts, as they forge forward towards a new reality. Light refreshments to be served in my office this afternoon to welcome our new addition.

President Cotton

Dear (President) Cotton,

I respectfully wish to report a disturbing conversation that I had with a colleague, Shawn Chululu-Gutenburg, Professor of Communication, this afternoon in which he admitted that he is not reading students’ final papers and that he is assigning final grades in a manner that could be generously described as haphazard. Given the renovation of Willard College and the new regime following the down fall of ex-president Creedmoor, I trust that this report will be both of interest and utility as you purge the college of the sick residue of the former administration and bring us forward into the light and the glory.

Sincerely, Simoneque DuBoise-Trevoit, Professor of French Poetry