Dear President Cotton, Campus Public Safety wishes to inform you that a wildcat strike by faculty began last night at midnight. Faculty have barricaded themselves in their offices and are flying red banners outside their windows. The banners read “Death to Cotton! Long Live the Autonomous People’s Faculty Front!” As of 12:53pm today, there have been no classes. In some sectors of the campus, isolated fires have been lit. Several students have been detained and upon searching them we discovered in their possession books of questionable ideological orientation. We are mobilizing a Counter-Strike Team to assess modalities to infiltrate the Autonomous People’s Faculty Front. On the positive side of the equation, each faculty is barricaded in her or his individual office and so we have already cut off communication between offices but cutting off wifi and cell tower service. On the negative, I think you’ll agree that this situation reflects poorly on the campus, especially given our enrollment deficits, upcoming Commencement celebrations, and the last week of class (not necessarily in that order).
We continue to monitor and assess the situation.
Cpt. Frank Asturias
Willard College faculty, Your attendance at the XIVI Commencement is a contractual requirement. As such, faculty who do not appear on campus by 4 a.m. this Sunday will be forcibly detained and brought to campus, so as to be ready to march by 9 a.m.
During the Granular Examination process, the Office of Student Clubs determined that best practices preclude the Willard College Cooking Club from cooking. As the report noted “we are following best practices as exemplified by Penn State’s recent ban of the Outdoors Club going outdoors. Cooking, like camping, hiking, canoeing, walking, bird-watching, etc., is dangerous and the College should not incur financial loss or brand damage that may proceed from accidents or other incidents.” Effective immediately, students may not cook on campus.
Dr. Cándido Foa, PhD
I have directed all levels of administration, from my office down to Supervisors of Janitorial Staff, to conduct a Granular Examination of every single aspect of Willard College’s operation. Each unit must submit within 24 hours of the issuance of this memorandum a complete breakdown of every single expenditure, from salaries and wages to paper clips. This directive is motivated by clear evidence that the college is not operating a top efficiency, that waste has become endemic, that staff and faculty operate with neither transparency nor responsibility. Granular Examination will be followed by Granular Assessment and Protocol Reassessment.
Dr. Candido Foa on behalf of President Cotton
After a closed national search for a new Provost, Willard College is pleased to announce that Dr. _____ __________________, Ed.D., has accepted our position. Provost-elect ______________ will be arriving to campus on June ______ after he settles up his affairs at ___________ College in __________, _ _. Provost ____________ is a nationally recognized leader in ________________ and was the lead consultant on the ________________________________________________________________________________________. He also ___________________________. In keeping with best practices, after conducting a closed search, Provost ________________ requested that the details of his identity remain closed to the Willard College community until _______________________________.
We appreciate your willingness to respect Provost ___________’s request for anonymity at this time. We also remind the entire community that the non-disclosure agreement that you signed is legally binding in perpetuity. Violation of the non-disclosure will result in legal action and could lead to prison.
Have a great week.
Willard College continues its pathbreaking contributions to quality education research!