A friendly reminder, as we always do at this time of the year, that engaging in street fights with disgruntled students, especially those who post negative reviews on Rate My Professor, is strongly discouraged. There are better ways to resolve conflicts than fists.
The Willard College Community is thrilled to announce that Dr. Nelson Vidalia has published a pathbreaking article that argues, hypothetically, how onions could replace individual national currencies to create a true global economy around a single currency. Dr. Vidalia shares: “I’ve studied the question of onions as a possible global currency and all of my calculations come back with the same conclusion. Onions as a global unit of exchange would increase trade, reduce supply chain problems, and would even help to reduce global economic inequalities. It is not, I should note, an insane idea. Rather, it is an idea whose time has come.” Next month, Dr. Vidalia will go on a 20 country tour to share his conclusions with Central Bankers in Europe and South America. We wish him great luck!
It is with hints of bittersweet chocolate, early post-war Italian neo-realism, and pink roses that we announce the departure of Dr. Prodigo who has decided to look for opportunities away from her beloved Willard College. Dr. Prodigo became well-known on campus teaching classes that students enjoyed and for her repeated calls for criminal investigations against Dr. Cotton, Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton (also known as Dr. Cotton but it gets confusing having TWO Dr. Cottons), the Board of Trustees, and several (actually all) former and current administrators, including Provost Pillow. In a series of wildly unsubstantiated and frankly difficult to believe public letters, Dr. Prodigo claimed that the Board of Trustees was engaging in money laundering, the administrators were taking bribes from Dr. Henry Cotton in exchange for signing non-disclosure agreements, certain administrators covered up crimes committed outside of campus by Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton and used the Willard College endowment with the knowledge of the Board of Trustees to cover court costs and fees associated with legal proceedings. Dr. Prodigo also claimed the monies saved by cutting departments and reducing budgets of those surviving departments were siphoned off by the Drs. Cottons and their close Board of Trustees associates. Dr. Prodigo accused our beloved and now deceased Associate Provost for Athletic Affairs, Dr. Primo Juan Gomes de Farandula, M.D., PhD., of committing war crimes. The not soon enough departing professor also had the absolute temerity to question whether we were hiring too many administrators. When the College experienced some unspecified disturbances, including a number of fires, many pointed the finger at Dr. Prodrigo, who also raised a number of invalid concerns about changes to faculty and staff dental plans.
In closing, we remind you all administrators have filed sworn affidavits as to their complete innocence.
Dr. Prodigo. It has been wild ride. Good luck. You’ll be missed.
Once again ugly and untrue rumors are circulating to the effect that several of the esteemed members of our Board of Trustees are abusing their fiduciary responsibility to the College by using their position and connection to the institution for the purpose of money laundering. We will not dignify these baseless accusations with an investigation into their veracity but rather are conducting a thorough investigation to determine who is responsible for spreading these unfounded and frankly mean lies about a team of individual who have literally given countless hours to our beloved college, Willard College. We also note, sadly, that the college is no stranger to these kinds of smear tactics. Our beloved President, Dr. Henry Cotton, was himself a target recently.
We have heard you. You want to be included. You want your voices to be present on campus and to be made important. And so, Dr. Henry Cotton and the Board of Trustees have selected graduating senior Chad Pete to the Willard College Student Commencement Speaker. Chad’s talk, which he has entitled “It’ll be OK,” will discuss resilience, improvisation, and the meaning of his life. Chad will be joined on stage by the Board of Trustees, President Dr. Henry Cotton, Dr. Cheryle Tina Fae Cotton, and this year’s commencement speaker, Theranos CEO, Elizabeth Holmes!
Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil is Missing. He was last seen after breakfast this morning. He was wearing a grey suit with speckles of white. He is 5’9″ and weighs between 160-180 pounds. He normally comes around the dining halls for lunch but is generally quite shy. If you see him, please do not chase him but call to him from a distance. If you have gold fish or other crunchy bite sized snacks, shake them gently and he may approach you. Make no sudden moves.
Louise de Guise, Public Safety and Animal Control Officer
Dear Willard College supporters (both moral and financial). A reader from Delhi, New York, writes with an interesting question:
“My spouse and I have been arguing whether Willard is pronounced with the emphasis on the first or last syllable. I say it should be the second syllable, as in willARD or willAHD. WILLard just sounds so common, and I believe that the college would advance in the rankings if it were willARD. Your thoughts, please?”
Dear Arguing Spouses,
First, don’t argue. Willard College is about the love. But you are discussing an important question. The Board of Trustees has grappled with this question and at present has reached no clear decision. Many, including Dr. President Henry Cotton and his radiant and brilliant wife Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton agree. Your letter was shared with the Cottons and they will raise the issue at the next Board meeting. In closing, would you consider joining the Million Dollar Club? For a $1000 donation per week, you get unlimited access to the Willard College Golf Club and a lunch on us with the Cottons at their newly built and delicately appointed lake home.
During these times of financial duress, Willard College is pleased to announce an update to your Dental Insurance coverage. Effective today, we have streamlined availability and in-network provider offerings to a single practice, that of Dr. Christian Szell. Dr. Szell is well-known to our community, having practiced dentistry at Willard prior to its conversion to an institution of higher education. Patients have reported him to have an excellent record of patient satisfaction and no complaints or filings with the state dentistry board. Please follow us for an update from Human Resources professionals regarding the coverage allowed.