Dear Willard Community,

Our faculty profile for the week features Dr. Fran Framm, Economics. Since arriving to Willard College a decade ago, she has taught all of her classes in the swimming pool’s deep end. Flotation devices are not allowed. Because class is in a swimming pool, students cannot take notes, Dr. Framm cannot use a chalk or white board. The acoustics are terrible. Sometimes she submerges and talks under water. Exams are also done in the swimming pool and students use kickboards as desks. Points are deducted if the exam gets wet. Another example of teaching excellence!

Who will we feature next week? Send us your suggestions!

Provost Thwart

Dear Willard Community,

We wish to express our gratitude to former Provost Lying for many years of loyal service to President Cotton. Sadly, the College has decided to go in a new direction and a new direction always requires new leadership. We wish Provost Lying the best in his future endeavors and that he can quickly clear his name in a court of law. Provost Thwart has taken over former Provost Lying’s office, staff, and responsibilities.

Some of you may know Provost Thwart as a much beloved professor of Economics. His principle theoretical contribution to the field was his 1999 essay, unpublished, “Do Consumers Exists?” In that essay, which led to his being granted tenure here, Thwart argued that consumers do not exist. People buy things. But they are not consumers. They are buyers. But they aren’t always buying. But they are always people.

Please be on the lookout for a message from Provost Thwart where he’ll explain the new direction Willard is taking.

Sincerely, President Cotton

Ever been curious about headbands? Do you like creating signature clothing accessories that can work as leisure, high fashion, athleisurewear, sports, or just because you want to wear a headband?

Francisco Marshall Zanz, a creative first year student who is triple majoring in Clown Studies, Didgerirdoo, and Theory, as spent most of the semester studying the history of headbands under the tireless tutelage of Felix Drubb.

Please bring your own materials, beverages and snacks, and forty dollars in cash. Zanz does not have a the capacity to take cards at this point.

Sincerely,

Felix Drubb, Art professor

Dear President Cotton,

Thank you for your long and irate email concerning the unfinished dormitory project. We’d like to review how we got where we are. A decade ago, Willard College’s Strategic Planning Subcommittee of the Planning Committee communicated to the Board of Trustees that although the college age population will be falling of the demographic cliff that it was time to expand the campus housing stock. Samantha Swine of Holstein, Holstein and Burger consulted on hiring the architects. During the entire process from concept to execution, no one seemed to notice that the site had overlap with a swamp. These kinds of things are often difficult to detect, especially if there has been a lot of rain or if birds are flying around. Again, like the demographic cliff, no reasonable person could have predicted these problems. Even the mosquito infestation was not necessarily swamp connected.

At present we are looking for creative ways to repurpose these not-quite-finished facilities.

Sincerely,

VP of Facilities, Thwart Cobbleskill and VP of Finance, Percosette Waterson

Dear Senior Leadership Team Members,

President Cotton has raised an important issue concerning snacking, and eating and drinking more generally, during our daily meetings. Aside from the distracting noise of slurping and crunching and chewing, we are finding the conference room littered and stained with juice, coffee, chip crumbs, little shreds of lettuce, bread crusts, and so forth.

After a month long study of the issue, the Decorum in Meetings subcommittee has come upon a solution. Please purchase immediately a sippy cup-snack tray as pictured above. This will consolidate snack foods and drinks and will reduce both the mess and the noise.

Sincerely and Loyally on Behalf of President Cotton,

Provost Lying

Dear President Cotton,

As per your request, we looked into the Men’s Soccer team’s 0-15 record last fall. We think we figured out the problem. Coach Jimmy Hamburger was apparently not vetted before he was hired. He has no training or experience as a coach. He ran an arcade on the Jersey Shore. Apparently the team’s entire training schedule was comprised of playing Fussball. None of the players complained because practice sessions also included beer and tacos.

Provost Lying and Director of Athletics, Johnson Balls

We continue to have problems at the Willard College Faculty Lounge. Please bear in mind the following rules.

1. Do not reheat soup or other foods in plastic containers on the stove top. Plastic melts when exposed to flames. When the food and plastic melt, it extinguishes the flame and can lead to dangerous gas leaks.
2. Do not microwave food in metal containers. This will cause fires
3. Do not microwave seafood products. It causes the entire building to smell like a fish market.
4. Do not engage in intimate behaviors in the lounge.
5. Alcoholic beverages should not be consumed. Even if they are in a brown paper bag.
6. Remember that the Folgers Coffee Station is available to everyone. If it runs out of coffee, please submit a work order and it will be refilled within the month

Thanks for your attention to these matters.

Provost Lying

Dear Provost Lying,

I’m concerned that the redecoration of President Cotton’s office has gone way over budget. Normally, I could just move money around to cover the deficit but we are in new territory here. As I review the books, the only way to adjust is to cut faculty and staff budgets immediately. Cotton is driving the college deep into the red. Lenders are banging on the door. It has all been fun and games, champagne for breakfast, senior leadership retreats in the Bahamas, etc. but I think we have finally hit the wall.

Please keep this communication PRIVATE.

Secretly, VP of Finances, Meldrim Nackie Loeb

Dear Campus Leaders,

I want to reiterate the approach we will be taking to shift external messaging concerning Willard College. Keep at the forefront of your thinking and work the following: “Telling the Willard College story better doesn’t mean changing anything.” Willard College has faced lawsuits, massive fires, declining enrollment, plummeting endowment, accusations of malfeasance, deaccreditation, and high levels of administrative turnover combined with inflated pay for those same individuals. So how do we move forward? We move forward by CHANGING THE MESSAGING. For too long the College has communicated in a manner that suggests panic, anxiety, and despair. So tell the Willard College as one of continued success, joy, and winning. Here are some examples of slogans that you will start seeing both on campus and in mailers to prospective students. “Willard College is Joy.” “Willard College is Winning. Again.”

Again, a reminder. We are winning. We just need to remind the world. That we are winning!

Director of Communications, Willie Pringles

Thanks to a generous donation, the Willard College Faculty Lounge now has coffee service. Please use the coffee machine responsibly and remember that the valves and tubing require frequent cleaning. Willard College will provide coffee products