Graduating Seniors, Please check your email for an important memo concerning 2021 Commencement. The college has embraced Juche Philosophy and commencement this year will involve mass choreography of all students, faculty, and staff who will perform an elaborate dance and celebration for the Administration and Board of Trustees. The email will include the choreography you must learn, the uniform pattern that you will need to fabricate, and design patterns for the pompoms or other accessories. Practice for commencement will begin tomorrow morning at 6am.

In Solidarity with President Cotton,

 Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil

Dr.Polly Esther Pillow, ex-wife of former Provost Pillow has published a novel based on the life of Mrs. Scatcherd, wrongly accused mean teacher in Jane Eyre.

Inspired by Mrs. Scatcherd’s love of order and the way that her character has been so oftentimes maligned, Dr. Pillow was moved to write a novel from the teacher’s point of view. As Dr. Pillow notes in the preface to the book, she was really inspired by this passage:

“On reaching the bedroom, we heard the voice of Miss Scatcherd: she was examining drawers; she had just pulled out Helen Burns’s, and when we entered Helen was greeted with a sharp reprimand, and told that to-morrow she should have half-a-dozen of untidily folded articles pinned to her shoulder. “My things were indeed in shameful disorder,” murmured Helen to me, in a low voice: “I intended to have arranged them, but I forgot.” Next morning, Miss Scatcherd wrote in conspicuous characters on a piece of pasteboard the word “Slattern,” and bound it like a phylactery round Helen’s large, mild, intelligent, and benign-looking forehead.”

Scatchered is being optioned for a film to be produced by Willard College graduate and independent film maker, Jason Spiker

Dear Mr. Spiker,

Since contracting Spiker, Spiker, and Flanagan as my personal talent and public relations firm, I have been nothing but disappointed. I find myself in a professional and personal death spiral. You get me no speaking gigs, you get none of my pathbreaking opinion pieces published, you fail to promote my legal defense against spurious charges in public media venues that could get any meaningful attention, and I have received exactly zero offers for consulting work. And sadly, because I have at this point no public profile beyond Willard College internal communications, that are occasionally read by industry leaders outside of the college, I have been unable to find another talent agency willing to take me on as a client unless I pay large upfront and non-refundable fees. And so I find myself living off of my Willard College salary, which is well above industry standards, but not at the level that I had hoped for.

As always Mr. Spiker, I ask for your discretion in this matter. Neither the College nor my wife, Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton, know that I am working with your outfit. But let’s see if we can move the old dial a bit here.

Thanks, and best regards to Mrs. Spiker.

Henry

Dear Campus Community, During the last month, President Henry Cotton and his wife and Director of Mental Health Services, Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton, have been subjected to a scurrilous and unfounded series of lies concerning their work and financial interests. We will be addressing each of the 46 accusations in a subsequent communique. Please hold the Cottons in your prayers during these trying times.

Sincerely, Bud Hammerman, Chief Legal Counsel

We apologize to everyone who spent time looking for Dr. Mange’s keys. The announcement should have read “Dr. Victor Mange Has Lost his Mind.” Furthermore, Dr. Mange is armed and considered quite dangerous. Should you encounter him, please call Public Safety. Apologies for any miscommunication.

Thanks, Provost of Non-Academics, Dr. Narcisse Nefasto

Can everyone on campus take a few moments to see if you can locate Dr. Mange’s lost car keys? Thanks. Let’s try to be a community that helps Dr. Mange get home.

Professor Dunce “Dutch” Ganache with support from Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil

Dear Colleagues,

The following directive has been issued by Provost of Non-Academic Affairs, Dr. Narcisse Nefasto: Faculty are being asked to avoid using the following phrases in speech and in syllabi. Do not use the term “Deadline” as this word was first used to demarcate the point beyond which Civil War prisoners would be shot by their guards. We recommend “preferred date to submit assignments.” Do not use the word “Discipline” in reference to your area of teaching or study. This has connotations of harshness and punishment and also of sexual fetish. Instead use the term “area of study, investigation and research that is done by people with training to those particular areas.” Avoid giving “F” or “D” grades as they are associated with vulgarities. Avoid the term “Grading” because it connotes the idea of flattening or making something even and it can be made into “Degrading” by adding “de.” Avoid the term and the action of “grading.”

Sincerely, Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil

Dear Willard College Friends and Community,

I would like to sincerely communicate a concern that I have about my name and the continued efforts to undermine my position through incorrectness. My name is VICHY and not VICKY. And my last name is not pronounced like the cake frosting but in the original French pronunciation which is “ga-na-shay.” People, who I will not name here though they’ve been contacted, are in some cases deliberately referring to me as VICKY GANACHE (pronounced like the cake frosting). This stops today.

As Director of Student Life Affairs, how staff and faculty refer to me has a direct bearing on how students perceive and feel their emotions. So let’s all work together and not against.

Have a restful and sincere weekend.

Director of Student Life Affairs, Dr. Vichy Ganache

Dear Campus, Please welcome our New Director of Remote Dining Services, Willard Schwag. Along with his wife Vichy Ganache, they are excited for the new opportunities that Willard College is offering!

Sincerely, Vichy Ganache

Dear Campus, In light of a series of disturbances and discussions on-line, I have unilaterally announced the creation of a new position at the administrative apparatus. Dr. Vichy Ganache will oversee the Office of Student Life Affairs, with a special focus on monitoring and mentoring student thought and feeling. We at Willard College are a family and we need to show each other the love and respect.

Sincerely, Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil