We just received a long and angry note from Dr. Dale Richards, a scholar of Thirteenth Century Danish poetry, a professor in the English-Writing-French-Sociology Hybrid-Department. He is threatening to quite and “take my work into the private sector.” This is a great sign that our work in making Willard a sub-par employer of choice for faculty is working. How shall we proceed?
Dr. Narcisse Nefasto, wanted on federal money laundering and embezzlement charges, has fled the area. She is believed to be armed and dangerous. According to Dr. Henry Cotton and Dr. Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton, she is inclined to fantastical stories about what “really happened” with the missing money. Listen calmly to her insane stories that implicate the Cottons. She is delusional. And she is a criminal.
Thank you President Cotton for naming names as we try to sort out the various improprieties that have taken place on our campus over the past year. We thank you for your tremendous courage in helping us to investigate the question surrounding missing college funds. Naturally, we suspected that the accusations against you and your wife, Dr. and Right Reverend Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton were spurious at best. Now that you have clearly indicated that Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil and Dr. Narcisse Nefasto, Provost of Non-Academics, were engaged in a nefarious plot to both destroy your good name AND to rob the college of its hard heard money, we have taken immediate action on the legal front. Both individuals will likely be in police custody soon. We feel that their ill-considered decision to flee is sufficient evidence of their culpability. It reminds us, sadly, of the case of Provost Pillow, who remains behind bars to this day for a similar crime.
Allow me to introduce myself. Hello. My name is Babs “Pickle” Spiker and I have been appointed as Vice President of Bitcoin operations. Effective tomorrow, Willard College will start what I think everyone will agree is a visionary and bold new chapter in our history. Bitcoin mining will earn the college anywhere in the ball park of -$13,500,000 to $36,000,000. I’m new to this exciting new industry, but from what I gather, it will cause a bit of a pull from our electrical grid and IT capacity. During high price moments, the campus will go dark and there will be no computer service available. We apologize that during these draw downs, there will be no warning so please remember to save anything you have on computers frequently. Each student will be provided with a candle and a small box of matches on Sunday evening. This candle is expected to last the entire week.
If none of this makes sense to you, don’t worry. Just get ready for rolling campus blackouts and for the cash to roll in!
In a closed session of the Board of Trustees, Dr. Henry Cotton explained that allegations against him and the Right Reverend and Sanctified Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton of racketeering and money laundering are baseless, and those who are making the allegations are motivated by pecuniary interests of the most unsavory nature. Dr. Cotton reminded the Board of Trustees of his tireless and really completely selfless work on behalf of Willard College, which through no fault of his own, has defaulted on its loans, faced withering and shrinking enrollment declines, and now approached the cliff with respect to deferred maintenance on the campus facilities. He noted that Willard College started in a deficit as the campus was created on the grounds of the former Willard Insane Asylum and at the time of the purchase, many of the buildings were already in need of work.
It with a sincere humility that I share with each and everyone one of you that today I Sanctified and Anointed myself as the Right Reverend and Holy and Sanctified Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton. I can promise that in the days and months ahead you will find a different and more spiritually focused leadership from Dr. Henry Cotton and his Senior Leadership Team. To that end, we are all taking the next three weeks in Spiritual Retreat and Rebuilding. A new and brighter day is soon to come to Willard College.
With sincere blessings,
The Right Reverend and Holy and Sanctified Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton, PhD
Dear Campus Beloved Community, I wish to directly address unfounded and scurrilous rumors concerning my alleged resignation as president of Willard College. Literally nothing could be further from the truth. In point of fact, the Board of Trustees has announced my promotion to President and Senior Chief Financial Executive. In further point of fact, Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton, in recognition of her tireless work on my behalf and of the college, has been appointed as a lifetime member of the Board of Trustees.
Rumors hurt. Rumors kill. If you hear a rumor, it is your job to not just not spread the rumor, but to report it directly to me. I have recently appointed Johnny “Sparkles” Pringle as my new Chief of Internal Intelligence. His office will collect and assess all internal communications that may be occurring that we view as impinging on the operational functionality of the college.
In closing, I ain’t going no where.
Sincerely, PRESIDENT and Senior Chief Financial Executive Henry Cotton, Ph.D.
Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton and President Henry Cotton denounce in the most strong terms the false accusations against them concerning their treatment of the 15 staff who manage their Willard College presidential housing. At no time were staff asked to work without pay, outside of regular work hours, or to engage in dangerous or degrading tasks like picking through the household garbage to determine if any recycling had been accidently placed in the garbage receptacles or changing out a gas line without proper authorization from the city. They also deny the charge that staff were required to trim, buff, or paint the toe nails of either of them. They also deny verbally abusing kitchen staff after a less than fantastic dinner last weekend.
Dr. Henry Cotton offered the following benediction before the assembled joined him in a simple breakfast of mimosas, eggs benedict, an assortment of donuts and gluten free donuts, and fruit bowls.
“Dear Lord, Jesus taught us with the miracle of squeezing water from a rock that there is always a way forward. In these trying times, with enrollment down 87%, alumni giving hovering in the negative zone, and other personal issues that I face but don’t want to share right now, we pray for a series of miracles to pull both Willard College and me out of the nose dive that has been 2020. Jesus also taught us that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, so please give us that strength you promised us we’d get after a really tough year. OK, dig in everyone.”