We apologize to everyone who spent time looking for Dr. Mange’s keys. The announcement should have read “Dr. Victor Mange Has Lost his Mind.” Furthermore, Dr. Mange is armed and considered quite dangerous. Should you encounter him, please call Public Safety. Apologies for any miscommunication.
Thanks, Provost of Non-Academics, Dr. Narcisse Nefasto
Can everyone on campus take a few moments to see if you can locate Dr. Mange’s lost car keys? Thanks. Let’s try to be a community that helps Dr. Mange get home.
Professor Dunce “Dutch” Ganache with support from Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil
Dear Colleagues,
The following directive has been issued by Provost of Non-Academic Affairs, Dr. Narcisse Nefasto: Faculty are being asked to avoid using the following phrases in speech and in syllabi. Do not use the term “Deadline” as this word was first used to demarcate the point beyond which Civil War prisoners would be shot by their guards. We recommend “preferred date to submit assignments.” Do not use the word “Discipline” in reference to your area of teaching or study. This has connotations of harshness and punishment and also of sexual fetish. Instead use the term “area of study, investigation and research that is done by people with training to those particular areas.” Avoid giving “F” or “D” grades as they are associated with vulgarities. Avoid the term “Grading” because it connotes the idea of flattening or making something even and it can be made into “Degrading” by adding “de.” Avoid the term and the action of “grading.”
Sincerely, Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil
Dear Willard College Friends and Community,
I would like to sincerely communicate a concern that I have about my name and the continued efforts to undermine my position through incorrectness. My name is VICHY and not VICKY. And my last name is not pronounced like the cake frosting but in the original French pronunciation which is “ga-na-shay.” People, who I will not name here though they’ve been contacted, are in some cases deliberately referring to me as VICKY GANACHE (pronounced like the cake frosting). This stops today.
As Director of Student Life Affairs, how staff and faculty refer to me has a direct bearing on how students perceive and feel their emotions. So let’s all work together and not against.
Have a restful and sincere weekend.
Director of Student Life Affairs, Dr. Vichy Ganache
Dear Campus, Please welcome our New Director of Remote Dining Services, Willard Schwag. Along with his wife Vichy Ganache, they are excited for the new opportunities that Willard College is offering!
Sincerely, Vichy Ganache
Dear Campus, In light of a series of disturbances and discussions on-line, I have unilaterally announced the creation of a new position at the administrative apparatus. Dr. Vichy Ganache will oversee the Office of Student Life Affairs, with a special focus on monitoring and mentoring student thought and feeling. We at Willard College are a family and we need to show each other the love and respect.
Sincerely, Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil
We urgent to express our congratulations to Dr. Dunce “Dutch” Ganache who has chosen to depart the professoriate after a distinguished career, work alongside the new Provost for Non-Academics, Dr. Narcisse Nefasto. Within hours of settling into her new position, Dr. Nefasto detected the urgent need for a team to tackle the problems faced by Willard College. Dr. Nefasto expressed her undying gratitude to President Henry Cotton for trusting her with this delicate and important mission-facing project.
Sincerely, Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil
Dear Campus Community, We could not be more thrilled to welcome Provost of Non-Academics, Dr. Narcisse Nefasto. After directing several institutions in upstate New York, Ohio, and Slovenia, we feel fortunate that Dr. Nefasto took a gamble and joined the Willard Team! Dr. Nefasto will head up a number of as yet unnamed “Special Initiatives” as the campus realigns mission, budget, endowment, and enrollment!
Sincerely, Provost Vandergrind
Doctor Dunce “Dutch” Ganache has just published a compendium of his essays, “Checking My Privilege: A Reader.” A popular professor of English at Willard College for many decades, “Dutch” as he is fondly called by his many friends, including President Cotton, share remarks about his new book. “Checking My Privilege” was made possible by the generosity of President Cotton, to whom we should all thank for his tireless, fearless, and selfless leadership.
Let’s all try to do better, as Dr. Dunce “Dutch” Ganache has done. Let’s be positive. Let’s focus on the positive that we can achieve for ourselves, for our students, and for the Willard College!
Sincerely, Provost Vandergrind
Dear Faculty and Staff,
If your Key or Key Card No longer works this is because you have been terminated. We apologize for the inconvenience but the staff person who would normally send termination letters was terminated last week. The facilities manager who manages access is still with us from an employment point of view. You may retain the key or key card post-employment.
With deep appreciation,
Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil
