The Board of Trustees announces, with great sadness, that Provost Thwart has tendered his resignation effective immediately. Provost Lying’s work at Willard College was tireless. During his brief time as Provost, after the resignation of Provost Lying, he oversaw the renovation of the cutlery in the dining hall, located more cost effective procurement of toilet paper and other items essential to the smooth operation of the college, and maintained contact with faculty when necessary. Provost Thwart will be replaced by Vice President Twig Babbles.

Now former Provost Thwart leaves us with this very moving message:

“It has been an honor and a privilege to serve this institution during one of the most challenging periods in the college’s history. “To everything there is a season.” My season as the Provost of Willard College will conclude immediately. With an eternally grateful heart, I thank the Willard College community for giving me a season to remember and in due time, treasure.”

Dear Loyal Staff, Faculty, and Administrators,

Please remember that we must stay on message concerning upcoming Tuition Adjustment Policy changes. Tuition will be responsive to recent inflationary pressures and increased financial commitments. It is important that we all familiarize ourselves with the basic message which is:

1. Tuition increases only occurred because of outside forces beyond our control.
2. We regret the increases. No one is more upset.
3. None of the tuition increase will go to administrative costs.
4. Willard College remains committed to provided excellent educational experiences at a competitive price point.

Thanks, Vice President Twig Babbles

Dear Community, I’m pleased to announce Willard College’s new promotional and capital campaign. “Living Well with Failure” captures the Willard College reputation for excellence balanced with reality. The new approach also aligns well with our educational mission and reputation. All employees will receive a free t-shirt emblazoned with the image provide above. Large banners will soon be all over prominent and visible places on campus. Dr. President Cotton will be embarking on a nation-wide tour called “Living Well with Failure: The Willard Way.”

Thanks, Vice President Twig Babbles

Willard College Faculty,

Effective last week, all college-related business must conform to the following rules. These are not guidelines. These are not suggestions. They are rules.

1. Accommodations must be preapproved by Provost Thrwart. He will review each proposed accommodation. Please allow four months prior to your intended travel.
2. Hotel costs may not exceed $57/night (not including taxes, gratuities, etc)
3. Per diem for food may not exceed $25/day.
4. Faculty may only travel by bus.
5. Faculty will only have three nights of travel covered.
6. Faculty who are presenting at conferences must wear Willard College gear (sweatpants, sweat shirts, t-shirts, baseball hats)
7. For a a full list of rules, please contact Provost Thrwart.

Sincerely, Provost Thrwart

Dear Willard Community,

Our faculty profile for the week features Dr. Fran Framm, Economics. Since arriving to Willard College a decade ago, she has taught all of her classes in the swimming pool’s deep end. Flotation devices are not allowed. Because class is in a swimming pool, students cannot take notes, Dr. Framm cannot use a chalk or white board. The acoustics are terrible. Sometimes she submerges and talks under water. Exams are also done in the swimming pool and students use kickboards as desks. Points are deducted if the exam gets wet. Another example of teaching excellence!

Who will we feature next week? Send us your suggestions!

Provost Thwart

Dear Willard Community,

We wish to express our gratitude to former Provost Lying for many years of loyal service to President Cotton. Sadly, the College has decided to go in a new direction and a new direction always requires new leadership. We wish Provost Lying the best in his future endeavors and that he can quickly clear his name in a court of law. Provost Thwart has taken over former Provost Lying’s office, staff, and responsibilities.

Some of you may know Provost Thwart as a much beloved professor of Economics. His principle theoretical contribution to the field was his 1999 essay, unpublished, “Do Consumers Exists?” In that essay, which led to his being granted tenure here, Thwart argued that consumers do not exist. People buy things. But they are not consumers. They are buyers. But they aren’t always buying. But they are always people.

Please be on the lookout for a message from Provost Thwart where he’ll explain the new direction Willard is taking.

Sincerely, President Cotton

Ever been curious about headbands? Do you like creating signature clothing accessories that can work as leisure, high fashion, athleisurewear, sports, or just because you want to wear a headband?

Francisco Marshall Zanz, a creative first year student who is triple majoring in Clown Studies, Didgerirdoo, and Theory, as spent most of the semester studying the history of headbands under the tireless tutelage of Felix Drubb.

Please bring your own materials, beverages and snacks, and forty dollars in cash. Zanz does not have a the capacity to take cards at this point.

Sincerely,

Felix Drubb, Art professor

Dear President Cotton,

Thank you for your long and irate email concerning the unfinished dormitory project. We’d like to review how we got where we are. A decade ago, Willard College’s Strategic Planning Subcommittee of the Planning Committee communicated to the Board of Trustees that although the college age population will be falling of the demographic cliff that it was time to expand the campus housing stock. Samantha Swine of Holstein, Holstein and Burger consulted on hiring the architects. During the entire process from concept to execution, no one seemed to notice that the site had overlap with a swamp. These kinds of things are often difficult to detect, especially if there has been a lot of rain or if birds are flying around. Again, like the demographic cliff, no reasonable person could have predicted these problems. Even the mosquito infestation was not necessarily swamp connected.

At present we are looking for creative ways to repurpose these not-quite-finished facilities.

Sincerely,

VP of Facilities, Thwart Cobbleskill and VP of Finance, Percosette Waterson

Dear Senior Leadership Team Members,

President Cotton has raised an important issue concerning snacking, and eating and drinking more generally, during our daily meetings. Aside from the distracting noise of slurping and crunching and chewing, we are finding the conference room littered and stained with juice, coffee, chip crumbs, little shreds of lettuce, bread crusts, and so forth.

After a month long study of the issue, the Decorum in Meetings subcommittee has come upon a solution. Please purchase immediately a sippy cup-snack tray as pictured above. This will consolidate snack foods and drinks and will reduce both the mess and the noise.

Sincerely and Loyally on Behalf of President Cotton,

Provost Lying