Dear President Cotton, Herewith, we announce that the offices of Vice Interim Provost Lionel Brouxet, Interim Vice Provost Candy Martin and Associate Assistant Vice Interim Provost Fulgenze deBaptiste have formed a new unitary office, hereby declared to be named The Provost Triumvirate. Into this new office shall accrue all separate powers hitherto invested in the three above mentioned offices. The Provost Triumvirate accepts under its charge all matters academic, financial, athletic, sanitary, judicial, and promotional. Moreover, and therefore, the Provost Triumvirate is charged with the powers of police and security on Willard College campus, and in the perimeter as we determine fit to maintain the safety and security of all who either reside or employ within said grounds. In the interest of ensuring a peaceful future for our campus, The Provost Triumvirate will be holding summary trials of any and all individuals involved in recent disturbances, with exceptions for those granted a priori clemency during, or before, the outbreak, of previously mentioned disturbances.
Signed, The Provost Triumvirate
Dear President Cotton, The Board of Trustees would like to communicate to you our concern about the current situation of upper level administrators at the college. After a careful review of payroll from last month, the Board notes that there are now three individuals occupying the position of Provost. They are, as you no doubt know by now, Vice Interim Provost Lionel Brouxet (who answers to the Board of Trustees), Interim Vice Provost Candy Martin (who answers to you) and Associate Assistant Vice Interim Provost Fulgenze DeBaptiste (whose provenance, remit, pay, etc are known to no one). It is unseemly to have such overlap of authority, made worse by sporadic reports of three way shouting matches between the three administrators at recent meetings. All three individuals were seen drinking alcohol before, during, and after the incident. We also understand that the three provosts have recruited gangs of students, staff, and faculty to their causes and have funded these individuals and groups both through unmandated allocations to programs and departments, but also outright cash payments. There is also a rumor, unsubstantiated at this point, and hopefully false, that there have been several violent incidences between gangs affiliated with Brouxet, Martin, and DeBaptiste. The most recent episode was reported to involve the deployment of both fire arms and blunt instruments, including lead pipes, lap tops, and shovels.
Henry, where are we going with this?
With sincere concern, The Willard College Board of Trustees
Dear Proud Willard College Graduates,
If you graduated from Willard College between 1989-1995, your degree may be subject to a recall. During those years, our Assessment and Accreditation Review Committee may have made some slight clerical errors in reporting program review and accreditation to the relevant state boards and agencies. As such, certain degrees may be subject to recall, even though the departments awarding said degrees was to all appearances fully operational. While the dates of concern go back beyond the period where we can refund tuition or room and board, we will be offering on-line courses to which you can enroll in order to fill in the credit gaps. Once completed, you will receive a new degree and will also be eligible to walk in the commencement ceremony of that year. Questions should be directed to either Vice Interim Provost Lionel Brouxet (who answers to the Board of Trustees) or Interim Vice Provost Candy Martin (who answers to President Cotton) or Associate Assistant Vice Interim Provost Fulgence DeBaptiste (who was appointed by an independent advisory board).
Best regards, Carlisle Blanche, Assistant to President Cotton