Willard College is on Fire!

Dear President Cotton,
The Office of Public Safety is currently dealing with active fires at the following locations: your office, your parking space, the Athletics Center, Financial Aid, all of the cafeterias, the FlexFax Offices, Provost Gauleiter’s office and parking space, the mobile Department of Foreign and Modern Languages, and Career Services. At present, we see no indication of arson or other criminal intent.

Lieutenant Colonel Frank O’Malley
Office of Public Safety

New Faculty Accommodation Policy Adopted

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New  Accommodation Policy and Procedures for Faculty.

Please attach to all syllabi

Dear Student,

The instructor of record for this course, Dr. [name] has received the diagnosis of [disorder, disease or complex] from a board-certified psychologist or medical professional with qualifications in [specialty]. Please make every effort to allow the faculty the  accommodations listed below in [name of course].

  • Lectures may veer off topic at random. Please remember that the faculty member may have a condition which makes concentrated effort and focus difficult.
  • During class discussions, the instructor may lose track of the thread of the discussion. Keep comments brief, and repeat the main points at least one time.
  • The return of written work may be delayed. Extended time must be granted for grading.  Grading may be done in a low distraction, off-campus environment.
  • To expedite the grading of written work, write in a clear fashion using easily identified topic sentences for each paragraph. Errors in grammar, syntax, or facts may make it difficult for the instructor to maintain interest and focus and may result in additional delays.
  •  Please retain an electronic version of all work submitted as the faculty member may misplace, lose, or inadvertently destroy your work.
  • Syllabus structure may be erratic and disjointed. Please allow your instructor time during the semester to correct any discordance between student learning outcomes and the class material. Assignment due dates may change at any time. Days of the week and numeric dates may not align on the syllabus.
  • Periodically, your instructor may lose interest in class discussion. Where appropriate, find ways to render the information more accessible or interesting.
  • Your instructor may forget to attend class. Please excuse up to 2 weeks of unexplained absences.
  • The instructor’s flexible attendance accommodation requires that s/he make all reasonable efforts to communicate with you and keep up with the assigned material. If the instructor has condition that renders consistent and clear communication difficult, this requirement will be null and void.
  • Your instructor may have assigned more reading than he/she can reasonably expect to finish in the allotted amount of time.
  • Advising may be compromised. Always double check any advice concerning courses needed to graduate on time, etc.
  • Your instructor may be more visually oriented, and may need to use the chalk or white board to express ideas that cannot be rendered effectively through verbal communication. Students should be prepared to carefully reproduce these visualizations.
  • Although visually oriented, your professor may have difficulty distinguishing faces of individual students. When speaking with the instructor, please identify yourself in a loud and clear voice. A name tag may facilitate smoother one-on-one interactions.
  • Your instructor may have difficulty keeping his/her designated office hours.
  • A high volume of emails may be overwhelming for your instructor. Please allow extra time when attempting to schedule a face-to-face meeting or when awaiting a response from electronic communications.
  • Your instructor’s condition may make it difficult for him/her to maintain an orderly office space. For this reason, you may need to stay out in the hall while speaking with your instructor, but please keep your voice low so as to not disturb occupants of nearby offices.
  • Please respect any special dietary needs that your instructor may have. In some cases, this may require your instructor to take short breaks during class-time to have a snack.
  • Certain medical conditions may require your instructor to vacate the classroom for periods of five to ten minutes.
  • Your instructor may find that certain symptoms are diminished by the presence of a beloved pet. Please do not approach the pet as s/he  may not be a certified service animal and may be aggressive to strangers. Your instructor may need additional time to set up a kitty litter receptacle, a scratch post, or other items necessary for the sanitation and safety of the service animal.
  • During the semester that ____________ is your instructor, he or she may be battling addictions for which cigarettes offer a calming effect. Your instructor may be given permission to smoke in the classroom or in the office.
  • Sensitivity to chemicals found in certain scents, perfumes, after-shaves, deodorants, mouth-washes, smoke products, shampoos, conditioners, etc. may have counter-indications with the instructor’s health and well-being and should be avoided.
  • Please turn off your cell phone when entering class. Cell phones can cause distractions in the classroom and the instructor may be awaiting medically important calls during class-time.
  • In the event that your instructor must take a brief leave of absence from teaching responsibilities to attend meditation workshops, intensive deep body tissue massage, or other therapeutic interventions, you may be asked to house and pet-sit to fulfill some portion of the course requirements. Although this is not required of you, it would be greatly appreciated by the instructor.

US Ambassador to Argentina cancels prior commitment to give Commencement Address


Dear Willard College Community,

I’ve been asked by the president, Henry Cotton, to announce that the US ambassador to Argentina, Noah Mamet has cancelled his prior commitment to give the  2014 commencement address for Willard College. His talk, which had been tailor-made for our learning community was entitled “What you need to know, and what you don’t need to know, to succeed in America!” A well known bundler for political campaigns, Mr. Mamet was recently nominated to the ambassadorship of  Argentina, one of the most important of the Central American republics. Widely criticized for not speaking Spanish or knowing where Argentina is, Mr. Mamet would have shared his experiences that led from his nomination by President Obama to his arrival in the capital city of Tegucigalpa.

Our back-up speaker, the recently deceased collector of pre-1933 Central European art, Cornelius Gurlitt, is also not available.

The silver lining in all of this is that the Commencement Procession, “Triumph of the Will at Willard College” will proceed as planned. PLEASE remember to apply flame retardant to your processional gowns!

Finally, the 2014 Commencement Speaker will be none other than President Henry Cotton, who will share some of life’s lessons that he has learned during his tenure as president of our college.


Sincere regards, Provost Gauleiter

Menuing the Willard Curriculum


Dear Department Chairs, Please remember to use the template pictured above for your 2014-2015 course listings. Each departmental menu will then be incorporated into the Willard College Course Menu which we will be sending out to all incoming Willard students. The Menu will be large format, colorful, easy to read, and laminated for easy cleaning. Please remember to give your courses titles and descriptions that our students will find appetizing.

Best, President Henry Cotton


Faculty at Career Development Office



Attention all Willard College faculty

This is a reminder that the Willard College Career Development Office is officially out of bounds for faculty, whether tenured, on a tenure trailway, or on the FlexFaculty program. The director of the CDO, Dr. Joe Francq, reports that students looking for post-college career opportunities can barely get through the door, much less make appointments with counselors or get on the computers. He has also reported faculty smoking and apparently drinking on the premises.

On a related note, contracts for the 2014-2015 academic year have been delayed at the printers. They will be available by mid-September. If you have received a verbal commitment for the coming year, please consider that as a firm promise from this institution.

Sincerely, President Henry Cotton