We thank Mr. Spicer for his 57 minutes of service to Willurd College and wish him good luck in his future endeavors. There will be reception for Mr. Spicer and his wife Glydia Spicer this afternoon in the common room of the Egas Moniz Student Center. Gluten-free ice cream will be served by administrators. Bring your own bowl and spoon if you do not like eating ice cream from a cone.

Sincerely, Willard College Board of Trustees

We are pleased to announce the hiring of Sean Spicer as Media Relations Provost. Mr. Spicer is leaving a highly successful and much publicized career in Washington, D.C. His first task will be to manage the unfolding story of the missing Willard College college tour group. Mr. Spicer comes highly recommended from his last position.

Happy Friday,

The Board of Trustees

Dear Vice Provost of Financial Affairs and interim-General Counsel, Dr. Glutina Sucre

and Former Provost Gauleiter and temporary interim-President of Willard College

At approximately 2pm yesterday, a Willard College college tour went missing in the woods between the Charcot Dining Hall and the lake. In addition to the guide, there are approximately 24 parents and prospective students lost in the woods, or perhaps drowned in the lake. Aside from trying to locate these people, the College is working on a public statement that reminds the public that everyone on the tour had signed a document promising that neither they nor their heirs, family, or friends, would sue on their behalf should anything untoward occur during the tour. Briefly, this incident is neither our fault nor our legal responsibility. Therefore, our efforts to locate these unfortunate, and possibly already dead, individuals should be lauded. Our statement does not mention the growing problem of feral dogs and hogs in the countryside surrounding the College, a matter that I believe we are close to resolving once the county grants us a sufficiently relaxed “poison permit.”

Director of Public Safety, Sidney Cullather

Willard College is abolishing on-campus parking. Faculty and staff who choose to drive to work will be asked to park at the off-site parking facility. A bus will depart each morning at 7am from the off-site facility and will drop you off at the Campus Center at 7:45am. You can pick up the same bus at 6:30pm and it will deliver you to the parking lot at 8:45pm. To discourage driving and to reduce our carbon footprint, there are only two buses a day.

Thank you for your consideration

Daryl Marie Pruzonne, Campus Sustainability Director and Adjunct Professor of Byzantine Poetry