Dear Willard College Faculty,

A friendly reminder, as we always do at this time of the year, that engaging in street fights with disgruntled students, especially those who post negative reviews on Rate My Professor, is strongly discouraged. There are better ways to resolve conflicts than fists.

Sincerely, Louise de Guise, Public Safety and Animal Control Officer and Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil

The Willard College Community is thrilled to announce that Dr. Nelson Vidalia has published a pathbreaking article that argues, hypothetically, how onions could replace individual national currencies to create a true global economy around a single currency. Dr. Vidalia shares: “I’ve studied the question of onions as a possible global currency and all of my calculations come back with the same conclusion. Onions as a global unit of exchange would increase trade, reduce supply chain problems, and would even help to reduce global economic inequalities. It is not, I should note, an insane idea. Rather, it is an idea whose time has come.” Next month, Dr. Vidalia will go on a 20 country tour to share his conclusions with Central Bankers in Europe and South America. We wish him great luck!

Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil

Dear Campus Community,

It is with hints of bittersweet chocolate, early post-war Italian neo-realism, and pink roses that we announce the departure of Dr. Prodigo who has decided to look for opportunities away from her beloved Willard College. Dr. Prodigo became well-known on campus teaching classes that students enjoyed and for her repeated calls for criminal investigations against Dr. Cotton, Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton (also known as Dr. Cotton but it gets confusing having TWO Dr. Cottons), the Board of Trustees, and several (actually all) former and current administrators, including Provost Pillow. In a series of wildly unsubstantiated and frankly difficult to believe public letters, Dr. Prodigo claimed that the Board of Trustees was engaging in money laundering, the administrators were taking bribes from Dr. Henry Cotton in exchange for signing non-disclosure agreements, certain administrators covered up crimes committed outside of campus by Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton and used the Willard College endowment with the knowledge of the Board of Trustees to cover court costs and fees associated with legal proceedings. Dr. Prodigo also claimed the monies saved by cutting departments and reducing budgets of those surviving departments were siphoned off by the Drs. Cottons and their close Board of Trustees associates. Dr. Prodigo accused our beloved and now deceased Associate Provost for Athletic Affairs, Dr. Primo Juan Gomes de Farandula, M.D., PhD., of committing war crimes. The not soon enough departing professor also had the absolute temerity to question whether we were hiring too many administrators. When the College experienced some unspecified disturbances, including a number of fires, many pointed the finger at Dr. Prodrigo, who also raised a number of invalid concerns about changes to faculty and staff dental plans.

In closing, we remind you all administrators have filed sworn affidavits as to their complete innocence.

Dr. Prodigo. It has been wild ride. Good luck. You’ll be missed.

Sincerely,

Louise de Guise, Public Safety and Animal Control Officer and Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil