Watching Our Language at Willard College

JOAN CRAWFORD colour portrait 1963. As Joan got older, her eyebrows got  heavier & she started to resemble her father … | Joan crawford, Joan  crawford children, Joan

Dear Colleagues,

The following directive has been issued by Provost of Non-Academic Affairs, Dr. Narcisse Nefasto: Faculty are being asked to avoid using the following phrases in speech and in syllabi. Do not use the term “Deadline” as this word was first used to demarcate the point beyond which Civil War prisoners would be shot by their guards. We recommend “preferred date to submit assignments.” Do not use the word “Discipline” in reference to your area of teaching or study. This has connotations of harshness and punishment and also of sexual fetish. Instead use the term “area of study, investigation and research that is done by people with training to those particular areas.” Avoid giving “F” or “D” grades as they are associated with vulgarities. Avoid the term “Grading” because it connotes the idea of flattening or making something even and it can be made into “Degrading” by adding “de.” Avoid the term and the action of “grading.”

Sincerely, Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil

My Name is Vichy not Vicky Announces Vichy Ganache in a Late Friday Memorandum

Pinochet's daughter detained at D.C. airport

Dear Willard College Friends and Community,

I would like to sincerely communicate a concern that I have about my name and the continued efforts to undermine my position through incorrectness. My name is VICHY and not VICKY. And my last name is not pronounced like the cake frosting but in the original French pronunciation which is “ga-na-shay.” People, who I will not name here though they’ve been contacted, are in some cases deliberately referring to me as VICKY GANACHE (pronounced like the cake frosting). This stops today.

As Director of Student Life Affairs, how staff and faculty refer to me has a direct bearing on how students perceive and feel their emotions. So let’s all work together and not against.

Have a restful and sincere weekend.

Director of Student Life Affairs, Dr. Vichy Ganache

Dr. Vichy Ganache, Daughter of Professor Dunce “Dutch” Ganache, Named Director of Student Life Affairs, as per Appointment by Associate Provost of Non-Academic Affairs, Dr. Narcisse Nefasto

Phyllis Schlafly - Quotes, ERA & Facts - Biography

Dear Campus, In light of a series of disturbances and discussions on-line, I have unilaterally announced the creation of a new position at the administrative apparatus. Dr. Vichy Ganache will oversee the Office of Student Life Affairs, with a special focus on monitoring and mentoring student thought and feeling. We at Willard College are a family and we need to show each other the love and respect.

Sincerely, Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil

Professor Dunce “Dutch” Ganache Leaves the Professoriate to Join Provost of Non-Academics, Dr. Narcisse Nefasto, Announces Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil

Joan Crawford and Alfred Steele — Calisphere

We urgent to express our congratulations to Dr. Dunce “Dutch” Ganache who has chosen to depart the professoriate after a distinguished career, work alongside the new Provost for Non-Academics, Dr. Narcisse Nefasto. Within hours of settling into her new position, Dr. Nefasto detected the urgent need for a team to tackle the problems faced by Willard College. Dr. Nefasto expressed her undying gratitude to President Henry Cotton for trusting her with this delicate and important mission-facing project.

Sincerely, Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil

Willard College’s New Provost of Non-Academics, Dr. Narcisse Nefasto

Joan Crawford - Hollywood Star Walk - Los Angeles Times

Dear Campus Community, We could not be more thrilled to welcome Provost of Non-Academics, Dr. Narcisse Nefasto. After directing several institutions in upstate New York, Ohio, and Slovenia, we feel fortunate that Dr. Nefasto took a gamble and joined the Willard Team! Dr. Nefasto will head up a number of as yet unnamed “Special Initiatives” as the campus realigns mission, budget, endowment, and enrollment!

Sincerely, Provost Vandergrind

Professor Dunce “Dutch” Ganache Checks His Privilege

Kaaren Verne and Peter Lorre - FamousFix.com post

Doctor Dunce “Dutch” Ganache has just published a compendium of his essays, “Checking My Privilege: A Reader.” A popular professor of English at Willard College for many decades, “Dutch” as he is fondly called by his many friends, including President Cotton, share remarks about his new book. “Checking My Privilege” was made possible by the generosity of President Cotton, to whom we should all thank for his tireless, fearless, and selfless leadership.

Let’s all try to do better, as Dr. Dunce “Dutch” Ganache has done. Let’s be positive. Let’s focus on the positive that we can achieve for ourselves, for our students, and for the Willard College!

Sincerely, Provost Vandergrind

Memo to Faculty and Staff: If your Key or Key Card No Longer Works

Man looking man opening door - MUF001455 - Frank Muckenheim/Westend61

Dear Faculty and Staff,

If your Key or Key Card No longer works this is because you have been terminated. We apologize for the inconvenience but the staff person who would normally send termination letters was terminated last week. The facilities manager who manages access is still with us from an employment point of view. You may retain the key or key card post-employment.

With deep appreciation,

Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil