Dear Community, In a recent memorandum concerning the Five Stages of Employment at Willard College we neglected to list Gary Chorizo’s position at the college. We would like to apologize for this oversight. The mistake was made because Mr. Chorizo is currently in the process of being Off-Planked and his paper work was in transit.

Thank you Mr. Chorizo for your years of service.

Provost Vandergrind

After an individual has been hired by Willard College, has signed the contract, they embark upon a FIVE stage process. We at Human Resources, hope this simple lay out will help employees navigate the experience, the Willard Experience, with great comfort and confidence.

Phase One: Onboarding

You will receive keys, passwords, and other equipment required to complete your work

Phase Two: Orientation

This is not the same as Onboarding.

Phase Three: Onboard

The non gerund of “onboarding.” During “onboard,” the individual is an employee of Willard College

Phase Four: Off-Planking

The employee is now a former employee, their employment having been terminated. Off-planking involves returning keys, equipment, and having passwords changed.

Phase Five: Deplanking

The former employee sues Willard College. The College retaliates with its own array of law suits. The former employee is required to sign an agreement, the Deplanking Agreement, wherein they agree to deny having ever worked at Willard College.

We hope this clarifies any confusion,

Sincerely, Dean Thomas Gristle, Vice President of Financial Affairs and Chair of the Campus Beautification Committee and Gary Chorizo

Please join us in offering Dean Wilhemina Matagatos a warm Willard welcome. Dean Matagatos will be fulfilling a new administrative position as Dean-at-Large and will be a direct report to President Cotton and not, as is traditional, to Provost Vandergrind.

Dean Matagatos has had a storied career in higher education thought leadership.

Sincerely and Humbly,

Provost Vandergrind

Dear Students, Faculty, and Staff, Please remember to pick up all fruit that falls to the ground. Facilities just located this banana on the walkway in front of President Cotton’s office. We don’t need to remind you of the dangers that bananas can pose to pedestrians. Let’s build that Community of Care of which Dr. Cotton spoke so movingly last week.

Dean Vandergrind (formerly provost)

Dear Board of Trustees,

As you have heard by now, there were a few issues that came up at the Annual President Cotton Easter Egg Hunt. Suffice it to say that Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton regrets her behavior towards two of the children of Willard College staff. Dr. Cotton found the children, ages 4 and 6, in a RESTRICTED area of the Cotton residence. Concerned that they had taken some of the household silverware, she had them searched by Willard College Public Safety. She may have then used her ‘outside voice’ with them, but only by way of instilling in them a respect for the private property, not of the Cottons, but of Willard College.

We hope that the entire Willard Family is looking forward to the May Festival as much as we are.

Sincerely,

President Cotton and Provost Vandergrind

Dear Faculty of Willard College,

Dr. President Henry Cotton, Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton, and their families would like to express deep appreciation for the recent news that you had voted to nominate Dr. President Henry Cotton for the Prestige Worldwide Recognition in Higher Education Thought Leadership Award. Your service in this regard is valued and appreciated, especially during this time of rapid changes in the world higher education, higher education thought leadership, and so forth.

With sincerity,

Provost Vandergrind

Dear Willardians,

This is a follow up to our earlier notice concerning sunsetting of certain majors.

Willard College once again leads the nation in student-driven educational reform. Effective the Fall 2023 semester, Willard College will no longer have majors or departments attached to said major. Each student will create a program that fulfills their personal, academical, financial, and athletic goals. Students may literally develop any Individual Collegiate Kurriculum. Students can develop any ICK. The possibilities are limitless.

To ensure that students can graduate on schedule, the credits of each course will now vary from .25 credits to 15 credits. Faculty, we refer you to a recent memorandum explaining the course modifications that you will be expected to enact.

Details will be available in the coming weeks.

Provost Vandergrind

Dear Willard Community,

We hear you.

Provost Vandergrind

Details to follow.

Sincerely, Provost Vandergrind

Dear President Cotton,

Former swim coach Noah Hopeless is suing the college. No details. Please tell everyone in admin to keep quiet until we know what is going on.

Provost Vandergrind