Willard College Announces Our College Anthem!

Willard Forever Shall We Fight

Come on, comrades in strong ranks,
Let’s march toward the future.
We’re audacious and fierce phalanxes,
Ready to dare, ready to dare.
Finally triumphs the ideal
For which we fought so much:
Willard brotherhood
Of Willard civilization.
Youth, youth,
Spring of beauty,
In Willard’s the salvation
Of our provost leadership team evaluation.
No more slothful nor disheartened
Remains still our people,
They reawakened to new life
Of more powerful splendor.
Come on, let’s raise high the torch
Which lights the way,
In work and in peace
Is true excellence everywhere.
Youth, youth,
Spring of beauty,
In Willard’s the salvation
Of our best practices.
In vigils of trenches
Dark wind of machine gun
Wrapped us in the Willard flag
Which we stirred to the battle.
Victorious at the new sun,
Close to her we must fight,
It’s Willard that wants this,
For Willard we’ll win.
Youth, youth,
Spring of beauty,
In Willard’s the salvation
Of our cost reductions.
Arise at last administrator.
Arrived is the day of revenge.
They defrauded your sweat
With the call to riot.
Down with the traitors’ bandages
Which reduce you to chains;
To the pillory, the imposters
Of non-Willard virtue.
Youth, youth,
Spring of beauty,
In Willard’s the salvation
Of our assessment protocols.

Willard College Off-Shores and Out-Sources Foreign Languages to Canada

Dear Foreign Language Faculty, We have Off-Shored and Out-Sourced foreign language studies to College Platon in Montreal. Now our students can study Japanese, Polish, Chinese, Russian, French, Bulgarian, German, English, Turkish, Swedish, etc. in French. If everyone could make sure to drop off your keys before the end of the day that would be much appreciated and will make this difficult transition easier.

No one is more grateful for your tireless service and sacrifice. No one loves the study of foreign language more than I do.

President Dr. Henry Cotton, Ph.D.

A Note to Willard College Faculty: Remember to Look Like You Care When Talking with Students




Dear Willard College Faculty, As the freshman class of Willard College arrives (hopefully), remember that it is incumbent on each and everyone of you to Look Like You Care at all times. Some helpful suggestions:

  • Facial expressions matter. Most humans can pick up on signals that the listener has disengaged mentally and emotionally. At minimum, listen with your eyes open and interject with statements like “Yes,” “I hear you,” and “I’ve often thought the same thing.”
  • Dress like you care. Clean clothes communicate that you put some thought into showing up to work.
  • Try to pretend to try to learn your students’ names. Mnemonic devices can help. Bill is from Buffalo. Buffalo Bills.
  • Put a picture of a family up in your office. If you have no family, we can provide you with a pretend family. Pictures of family convey that you have some experience in developing emotional connections to people.
  • Avoid smoking and drinking hard alcohol at least 12 hours before you expect to be in contact with students.
  • If a class required for their major has been cancelled because of low/non enrollment, explain that the class was so popular that there wasn’t room for even one more student

In conclusion, Willard College is up against the wall financially. All of your jobs depend on not losing any more to summer melt, law suits, transfers, etc. I refuse to resort to threats against my faculty. But I suggest you all take this seriously.

Sincerely, Dr. President Henry Cotton