Dear Members of the Board of Trustees,

Willard Hotel (Photo credit: StreetsofWashington)

Following industry leader, the previous Hesser Business College, and soon to be previous Hesser College, which recently rebranded itself Mount Washington University,  Willard College is embarking on an ambitious program to transform our institution’s brand so that it fits with our emerging redesign. To that end, I’ve requested from all divisions suggestions for a new name for Willard College. We are looking for a new name that speaks to Willard’s self-vision for the future.

This takes me to “Monetizing the Unmonetizable.”Renaming comes with costs associated with signage, pens, t-shirts, hats, name-tags, advertising, and the lost revenues that precede successful reorientation of our base to the newly renamed Willard experience. The Office of Business Operations and Student Affairs will offset these costs through an aggressive campaign to sell ad space to campus oriented businesses. Every suitable wall can be rented, whether in a bathroom, the student health clinic, or the dining halls. In addition, we will be selling ad space on all campus web servers, including that of the library.

Our students are web-savvy, and are accustomed to using social media that has imbedded advertisement so we foresee no problems with this program.

We hope to have a list of potential names to the board within the next few weeks.

As always, Henry Cotton

English: Disney World, Orlando, Florida (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dear Board of Trustees, Provost Videla, and Department Chairs,

As we prepare to begin to provide loans to incoming Willard students, we have begun to study the problem of collection of debts, current and outstanding. This fits with the larger set of revenue challenges that we have been addressing during the past few months

In response to these challenges, I authorized my top team of administrators to attend the annual Association of Private Sector Colleges and Universities Conference and Expo. They traveled to Rosen Shingle Creek in Orlando, Florida, and have reported back to me on a number of overlooked but promising venues for future growth. Provost Videla and Assistant Associate Dean Provost Stroessner reported very fruitful meetings with Goal Structured Solutions. When GSS explained how “with over a decade of experience and over $20 billion of student loans under management, GS2 helps our clients recognize increased cash flow and greater efficiency” we just knew they were right for Willard. But then they saw a sign for Sunrise Credit Services.

For over 35 years, Sunrise Credit Services has been the nationwide leader in the collection industry. We specialize in all aspects of accounts receivable management including letter programs, skip tracing, litigation, default management, pre-collect and late registration programs specifically designed for the career college industry.

In addition, Willard administrators were deeply moved by demographer and futurist Kenneth Gronbach’s  talk “Dramatic Changes in Demography and Education – Your Opportunity.” At the recommendation of Provost Videla, Dr. Gronbach has been hired to consult with Willard about capitalizing on these opportunities.

In sum, my administration continues in its commitment to deemphasize our dependence on student education as the primary source of our revenue base. Along with our growing presence as a premier conference center, our work in the student loan industry, we are also developing other new and exciting projects to diversify the what and the why of Willard College.

Kind regards, Henry Cotton

Nederlands: Henry Cotton (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As president of Willard College, I pledge to fight any efforts to limit or decrease any increases in vital administrative oversight of faculty. A recent study, that our legal department feels may be actionable, suggests that certain efficiency could be made in college administration. We have heard these discussions for years, and have held steadfast in our belief that in colleges, as in public education, a robust administrative team is the key to success.

Sincerely, Henry Cotton

P.S. On behalf of myself, my wife Cheryl Tina Cotton, her son, and my step-son, Harold, my son Elliot, who lives with my first wife, and is half-brother of my daughter, and Cheryl Tina’s step daughter, Linda Lydya, and our two daughters, Tina Tina and Leslie Tina, we wish you a belated Father’s Day!

Dear Fellow Administrators and esteemed members of the Board of Trustees,

I am pleased to announce the inauguration of the first in a series of bold new majors at Willard College. Drawing on Willard’s storied medical past, the Tantric Osteoherbal Dentistry program promises to draw an eclectic and enthusiastic body of new students to our campus.

Before explaining T.O.D., let me first lay out the logic of Willard’s move into medical education. While much is made of the large number of Americans without access to dental care, the population of insured Americans who avoid dentists because of anxiety about invasive procedures is too often ignored or ridiculed. T.O.D. promises to bring high quality innovative dentistry to this under-served population.

What is T.O.D? Briefly, it is a holistic, non-invasive, dental practice that considers muscular-skeletal alignments as the root causes of cavities and other oral health challenges. T.O.D. employs body work to the jaw, thoracic cavity, and other key pressure points to help teeth to heal themselves. This body work is supplemented with herbs that are applied topically,orally, and through other means.

A walk through any American grocery store’s health food section, suggests that students majoring in this field will enjoy the kind of success we desire for all of our graduates.

Sincerely, Henry Cotton

Willard College: Your First Choice in Assessed Colleges in America

The U.S. border fence near EL PASO (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

By now you have read the disappointing news about the college’s 2013-2014 enrollment. The low numbers are a result of poor recruitment output in some of our traditionally strong markets, and also a record number of students transferring to other colleges. But let me remind you that enrollment figures never tell the whole story of a college. As we realign and adjust, we are fortunate that recent capital improvements to some of the older facilities at Willard has allowed us to reposition the college as a premier conference center of national stature. Upcoming conferences like the ones listed below represent important opportunities to diversify Willard’s brand while also creating positive revenue streams.

• Sylvester County Road De-Icing Conference

An exciting opportunity for County Highway Commissioners to meet and discuss the major issues in the field, we ask that the Department of English vacate their offices so as to make room for the various break-out sessions. You may wish to remove any valuables from your offices.

• Beyond Iraq and Afghanistan: Opportunities for Military Contractors on the U.S.-Mexico border

This three days conference on the transition from unconventional warfare to border security will feature some of the top defense contractors in the United States. During the time of the conference, only persons with Level 2 Security clearances may enter the campus. The Office of Public Safety will be joined by Blackwater for securing the campus and its perimeter.

• Investing in Gold: A Wealth Building Seminar

Willard College was especially excited by this opportunity not only for the high value participants that it will attract, but also because we are looking to move our entire endowment portfolio into shares of this precious commodity.

• Academic Publishing: Does anyone care?

This conference will provide a sobering analysis of whether academic publishing should exist. Break out sessions will include: The Psychological Toll of Low Sales, Recovering from the Bad Review, and The Ethics of Assigning your Own Book to Undergraduates. This conference will have no impact on the normal operations of the campus.

This event is sponsored by the leading academic publishing companies.

Sincerely, Henry Cotton

Dear Administrative Team Workers,

The New Yorker (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Our Marketing Department just received the following communication from The New Yorker. We had proposed that they run a story about the College and my work in transforming the institution.

English: Portrait of Thomas Jefferson, founder of the University of Virginia (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We are pleased to announce that invitations have been extended to Paul Tudor Jones to join the Willard College Board of Trustees as well as the Preferred Sponsors Group. Jones, a well respected investment pioneer, recently came under fire for remarks concerning women and business and has experienced the kind of negative treatment that has become all too common at American colleges and universities. As is often the case with generous and successful men, his comments were taken out of context. Concerning women in business, Jones simply observed that

“As soon as that baby’s lips touched that girl’s bosom, forget it.”  He went on to observe that “macro trading requires a high degree of skill, focus and repetition. …Life events, such as birth, divorce, death of a loved one…are obstacles to success in this specific field of finance.”

Indicative of the University of Virginia’s hostility to its loyal supporters, one administator commented, “As administrators, we are often called upon to condemn opinions fdifferent from our own. At a university, however, freedom of expression is fundamental to our mission.”

As of last year, Willard College adopted a strict policy of protecting our donors and trustees, through the The Hand that Feeds Program. Unlike so many institutions that let politics pollute the donation process, Willard maintains a firewall between donors’ political and social views and their willingness to support our mission.

Sincerely, President Henry Cotton

P.S. Willard College recently was incorrectly tied to a story concerning obese graduate students. The Office of Media Relations is looking into why such stories continue to be falsely connected to our institution.