Dear Community, In a recent memorandum concerning the Five Stages of Employment at Willard College we neglected to list Gary Chorizo’s position at the college. We would like to apologize for this oversight. The mistake was made because Mr. Chorizo is currently in the process of being Off-Planked and his paper work was in transit.

Thank you Mr. Chorizo for your years of service.

Provost Vandergrind

After an individual has been hired by Willard College, has signed the contract, they embark upon a FIVE stage process. We at Human Resources, hope this simple lay out will help employees navigate the experience, the Willard Experience, with great comfort and confidence.

Phase One: Onboarding

You will receive keys, passwords, and other equipment required to complete your work

Phase Two: Orientation

This is not the same as Onboarding.

Phase Three: Onboard

The non gerund of “onboarding.” During “onboard,” the individual is an employee of Willard College

Phase Four: Off-Planking

The employee is now a former employee, their employment having been terminated. Off-planking involves returning keys, equipment, and having passwords changed.

Phase Five: Deplanking

The former employee sues Willard College. The College retaliates with its own array of law suits. The former employee is required to sign an agreement, the Deplanking Agreement, wherein they agree to deny having ever worked at Willard College.

We hope this clarifies any confusion,

Sincerely, Dean Thomas Gristle, Vice President of Financial Affairs and Chair of the Campus Beautification Committee and Gary Chorizo