Dear Willard College Faculty, As the freshman class of Willard College arrives (hopefully), remember that it is incumbent on each and everyone of you to Look Like You Care at all times. Some helpful suggestions:

• Facial expressions matter. Most humans can pick up on signals that the listener has disengaged mentally and emotionally. At minimum, listen with your eyes open and interject with statements like “Yes,” “I hear you,” and “I’ve often thought the same thing.”
• Dress like you care. Clean clothes communicate that you put some thought into showing up to work.
• Try to pretend to try to learn your students’ names. Mnemonic devices can help. Bill is from Buffalo. Buffalo Bills.
• Put a picture of a family up in your office. If you have no family, we can provide you with a pretend family. Pictures of family convey that you have some experience in developing emotional connections to people.
• Avoid smoking and drinking hard alcohol at least 12 hours before you expect to be in contact with students.
• If a class required for their major has been cancelled because of low/non enrollment, explain that the class was so popular that there wasn’t room for even one more student

In conclusion, Willard College is up against the wall financially. All of your jobs depend on not losing any more to summer melt, law suits, transfers, etc. I refuse to resort to threats against my faculty. But I suggest you all take this seriously.

Sincerely, Dr. President Henry Cotton