Regarding the Water Main Break, the Power Outage, and the Chicken

Dear Louise de Guise, Public Safety and Animal Control Officer and Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil,

Thanks for your prompt and useful response to my earlier query regarding the power outage. Sadly, the matter has grown a bit more complicated as we now are dealing with a broken water main which has paradoxically caused massive flooding in several buildings and has cut off water needed to clean up the chicken that could not be salvaged. I seem to recall that a few years ago, the Board of Trustees debated whether running water was needed on campus and various alternatives, including wells and cisterns were contemplated. The fact that not having running water on campus was even entertained is a reflection of the low priority given to the basic maintenance of campus facilities.

The flooding started just as power started back up which resulted in a new wave of power outages as shorts occurred in affected areas. Briefly, the efforts to rescue the chickens suffered a setback. What should I do now?

Interim Assistant Director and Acting Director of Dining Services, Napoleon Meets

Regarding the Recent Power Outage and Chicken

Dear Louise de Guise, Public Safety and Animal Control Officer and Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil,

As you learned from the emergency notification sent to the campus community last night, we suffered a massive and long-lasting power outage. We have restored power to the campus, which you will know because you are reading this email. Sadly, we did take a significant financial hit. You’ll recall that prior to retiring, Dr. Flanders Loon, former director of the Poultry Studies program, purchased a significant amount of chicken for pennies on the dollar. We had, upon his explicit directions, stored this supply of chicken in the dining hall freezer lockers. Dr. Loon estimated we had enough chicken to last dining services for nine years. Now we have nine years worth of chicken rotting in our freezers.

I’ll need some extra staff to help dispose of the lost poultry product and to clean the freezers.

Thanks,

Howard Syracuse, Director of Dining Services

Facing Declining Enrollments, Willard College Announces Sunsetting of Dental Studies Minor and its long-time director, Dr. Utica Flosz

Dear Campus Colleagues and Communities,

It is the end of an era. We have decided to sunset the Dental Studies Minor and its long-serving director, Dr. Utica Flosz. Dr. Flosz pioneered Dental Studies in the 1970s, and trained generations of students in the myriad subjects that fall under that disciplines umbrella: Insurance claims, billing, orthodontics and dental history, malpractice law, etc. Students currently in the program will complete the minor program remotely or at Pinecone College or through course waiver substitutions.

Sincerely sad, Dr. President Henry Cotton

Dr. Flanders Loon, Professor of Poultry Studies, Announces that “Yesterday was my Last Day at Willard College.”

Dearestingly Willard Community,

Yesterday, we were shocked to hear the news that Dr. Flanders Loon, Director of Poultry Studies, and a poultry scholar in his own right, has decided to leave the college ahead of the beginning of the Fall 2022 semester. In his 16 page letter to President Henry Cotton, Dr. Loon explained that he did not take the decision lightly but after 27 years of loyal service to the College and to Dr. Cotton, and to Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton who is a dear friend to Dr. Loon’s wife, Beryl Loon, he, and she, Beryl Loon, were ready to “explore other options in the exciting world of poultry.” He continued, in a letter that we would share in its entirety were it of a length appropriate to announcement, by citing a variety of different texts, sacred and profane.

Dr. Loon was no stranger to controversy. He was famous for ordering anyone who coughed or sniffled in his classes to drop his course and not return. More than one junior faculty lost tenure cases after coughing in his presence. He was fiercely loyal to the Cottons and helped root out a series of conspiracies against their reputations and operation of the institution. To that end, he was instrumental in helping the state attorney general indict then Provost Pillow after a shadow of suspicious in the case fell, unfairly, upon the person of Dr. Cotton.

What will the future hold for Dr. Flanders Loon. Time will tell. She always does.

Sincerely, Louise de Guise, Public Safety and Animal Control Officer and Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil

Jefferson Kopek, Professor of Writing who has not written single word in 40 years, retires.

It is mixed emotions, many of them sad, that I announce that Jefferson Kopek, Professor of Writing is (I cannot believe I’m going to write this) retiring. Mr. Kopek was a much beloved professor who was notable for having never published anything. And even more striking, Mr. Kopek had not written a single letter, much less a word, since the summer of 1982 when he penned an irate letter to the Sylvester County Chronicle entitled: “Why I don’t smoke too much pot.” Mr. Kopek is a local boy, having attend Sylvester County Unified School District from K-12, except for 11th grade. In 1970 Mr. Kopek graduated from Pinecone College with a degree in botany. He went on to pursue several advanced degrees, and obtained the title ABD from three different prestigious institutions, including Sylvester University.

Students at Willard College will miss his unorthodox pedagogy. He often would move class to undisclosed locations, including a yurt that he constructed on campus, an igloo, and various music festival in a 150 mile radius from the college. After 1990, he walked the five miles to campus every day. When not in his office, he could be found in a tree in front of Charcot Hall. His home, just off campus, was a favorite destination for students throughout the week.

Mr. Kopek will spend his retirement living his best life.

Thanks, Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil

Confidential: Concerning the Enrollment Threat Posed to Willard College by Pinecone College

Dear Willard College Senior Leaders,

We are detecting a new and troubling trend was we attempt to stanch the gapping enrollment wound faced by the college. It appears that many of the demographic traditionally drawn to Willard College is opting for Pinecone College. As you may or may not know, Pinecone College went into bankruptcy several years ago and was on financial life support from the COVID relief funds. And so I regretfully report that Pinecone College is giving Willard College a run for our money.

As an enrollment management professional, I can assure you that we are doing everything we can. But I think the problem rests with a high level of reputational damage suffered by the college during the past several decades. Repeated problems with arson directed against the administration, fecal vandalism of the museum, dorms without heat or running water, riots by students at graduation, academic programs that exist on paper but not in reality, low faculty morale sparked by continual pay and benefits cuts, impending indictments against senior administrators for money laundering, and the list goes on.

My unsolicited advice is that the administration consider focusing onthese impediments to raising enrollment.

Singretfully,

Phoenicia Apple, Vice President of Enrollment Management

Introducing the New Dean of the Willard College College of Medicine and Instructions on how to Pronounce His Last Name, which is Cheeseburger

Dear Willard Community,

The new Dean of the Willard College College of Medicine, Dr. Warren Cheeseburger, is excited to share with us the proper pronunciation of his name. His name is pronounced “Chessboro.” Please do not call him by the name for a popular American picnic food. Dr. Cheeseburger will serve as the first dean of the Willard College College of Medicine.

Thanks, Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil

History Department has been Moved to the Sub-Basement to make room for the new Willard College School of Realtors

Dear Community, In nimble response to the latest financial and higher education thought leadering trends, while also expressing deep gratitude and humility to the Department of History, we are excited, and sad, to announce that History faculty offices have been moved to the sub-basement to make way for the new School of Realtors. To access the History faculty, please take the one functioning elevator to the Basement level, exit the elevator and head to the left down the long passage way past the janitors closets, the pile of old lead pipes and bricks, until you reach a heavy steel door. Before you go down the stairs, please turn on your cell phone flashlight because the hallway lights are not functioning (yet!) in that part of the building.

Sincerely, Louise de Guise, Public Safety and Animal Control Officer and Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil