The Commencement Planning Committee has shared with the Board of Trustees a list of recommendations to help us avoid the problems from last year’s commencement. You’ll recall that at last year’s commencement, which lasted 13 hour and 43 minutes, 3 people died from heart attacks, two babies were born, 89 people were hospitalized for drug overdoses, alcohol poisoning, dehydration, and food poisoning, and 4 guests walked away from the event and were never seen again. We recommend:
- Commencement should not last more than five hours.
- All Commencement speeches should be in English.
- Bathrooms on campus should remain open and accessible.
- Campus Riot Police and SWAT team should be on stand-by but should not actively patrol during Commencement.
- All speakers should be required to be sober.
Commencement Planning Committee
We are thrilled to announce that Willard College’s Department of Physics has received a $500,000.00 grant to study the Flat Earth Thesis. Until recently, most scientists blindly accepted the hypothesis that the earth was a sphere, or as some call it, “round.” 99.99% certainty by scientists leaves a lot of room for doubt and critical inquiry.
Effective immediately, the Parking Policy Sub-Committee of the All-College Academic Affairs Committee has been dissolved, its members censured, and their parking passes, or in the case of the “Fee Parkers” not, have been revoked. During last Thursday’s Noon hour meeting, a melee broke out between the “Free Parkers” and the “Fee Parkers” as to whether or not parking on campus should be free or not. Several of the participants are still either hospitalized or in police custody. We will update the campus community as appropriate information becomes available.
The Willard College Republicans, the Willard College Young Americans for Freedom, and the Willard College chapter of Stormfront are pleased to announce a visit by Larry Pratt, Executive Director of Gun Owners of America.