Willard College School of Education Study Impels Sylvester County Unified School District to Cancel Spring Break

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Letter of Thanks from the College of West-Central New York and the Niagara Frontier’s Dr. María Soledad Fintzsimmons, Ph.D.

Dear President Cotton:   

 I want to take this opportunity to thank you and your institution for helping host this year’s Liberal Arts and Sciences annual conference.  Your institution welcomed over 100 participants from all over North America and former British Empire.  Everyone was charmed by the beauty of the campus: from the rolling hills in the distance to the charming campus quad.  The bucolic setting help but all of the presenters at ease.  

Your faculty embraced us with warmth. They showered us with attention, and praised our academic efforts.   The guided tour around town by the provost was particularly delightful.  We were able to enjoy all of the boutique shopping and indulge in local craft beer sampling that surround Willard College.  To have a provost so engaged with the local community is refreshing.   

 I should also like to point out that the student volunteers at the conference were delightful.  They assisted us ‘absent minded professor types’ in finding the correct rooms where we were presenting, directing us to the bathroom facilities, but most importantly helped us get our PowerPoints up and running.  I cannot even imagine how we would function without these volunteers.   

 All in all, Willard College hosted a magnificent event.   

 Sincerely,  

 María Soledad Fitzsimmons, Ph.D.  

Professor, Applied and Creative Historical Studies  

The College of West-Central New York and the Niagara Frontier  

Department of Modern Languages Splinters into Pro-Cotton and Anti-Cotton Factions, Violence Ensues, Order has been Restored

At 9am this morning, during the Department of Foreign Modern Languages weekly meeting, a verbal altercation commenced between Pro and Anti-Cotton factions. While French faculty lobbied for the department to reject the return of President Cotton and supported the restoration of currently ex-President (and ex-provost) Gauleiter, Spanish faculty issued a robust defense of President Cotton. Under the banner “Without Cotton, there is no Willard. And Willard is nothing without Cotton,” Spanish faculty proceeded to physically assault the French faculty who then called upon support from the last remaining professor of Latin who tripped over his own sandals and had to be hospitalized with a sprained wrist and an anxiety attack.

Department of Education Expresses Regret

The Department of Education, the second oldest academic department at Willard College, expresses it deep regret for failing to more quickly support President Cotton and Dr. Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton during their forced and regrettable absence from campus. Our failure to recognize your critical leadership skills resulted from certain deviations within the program. To correct these problems, we are conducting a year-long self study and self-critique. We feel that our deep knowledge and expertise in Theoretical Pedagogies will allow us to quickly attain  elevated Praxis.