Stewie Cake, Student at Willard College since 2006, Set to Graduate

Dear Community, We are thrilled to announce the surprising news that Stewie Cake, full time student at Willard College since he stepped onto our campus in the Fall of 2006, is set to graduate. He is finishing up three Incompletes, a missing Gym credit, and has paid library overdue fines and a fine for damages to his dorm room in 2009. Stewie has had a storied career at Willard. Entering as undeclared, he went on to declare a History major, which he then changed to a Business major, which he then changed to a Finance major, and then he took a pause in 2010, and returned to his first love, Undeclared. Eventually, Stewie went on to a self-designed major in Psychology and Sports Media, before once more returning to Undeclared.

Willard College appreciates the many sacrifices he, his mother, his grandparents, and several aunts made to allow Stewie the freedom to explore his many interests and passions.

Good Luck Stewie Cake. We’ll miss you.

Sincerely, Dr. President Henry Cotton

New Class Schedule Grid and Credit System

Dear Faculty, Effectively Spring 2023, we are operating under a new class schedule grid and credit system. In consultation with one of the top educational thought leading firms, we are confident that the system will optimize the student experience, reduce stress for faculty, and improve learning outcomes.

For the schedule grid, you will need to create an account with FreeGrid. There is a nominal fee. Ask your chair about the forms you’ll want to fill out to be reimbursed, which may take between 2 to 24 weeks. How does it work? Fill in when you want to teach. For a three credit class, you might decide on MWF 9am-950am. Or you might teach it Friday night 6pm-9pm. Or you might want to teach it MW 1230-1pm, Tuesday 8am-8:30am, and Friday 315pm-405pm. You decide. The students build their schedule by tracking the schedules of the classes they want and making sure there are no overlaps. There is NO predetermined grid.

You can also remix credits. You need to teach a total of 9 credits. You can teach one 9 credit class. You can teach nine 1 credit classes. You can teach eighteen 1/2 credit classes.

FreeGrid is about freedom. Freedom to choose. But don’t forget to register and pay the fee or the system will crash.

Thanks,

Vanderbilt Snowden, Director of Student Academics

Willard College Professor of Latvian Poetry Requests the Person who Took his Cucumber to Kindly Return it

Dear Colleagues in Pinel Hall,

I would like to alert everyone on the second floor of a disturbing situation to which I became aware earlier this week. A cucumber, actually THIS cucumber is mine. I had brought it up a few weeks ago and was planning to have it for lunch on Wednesday. But is gone. Fortunately, I had thought to take a picture of the vegetable the previous, being Tuesday I believe. Would the person or persons who stole this vegetable, my vegetable kindly return it to me or compensate me for the item.

Thank you,

Vladisl Grynn

Willard College Asks Graduates and Supporters to SEND CASH NOW!

Dear Willard College Graduates and Supporters,

Please send Willard College CASH NOW!!!! As many of you know, financial planning for an institution of higher education has grown increasingly difficult. As Willard has grown and its mission has diversified, we have faced unprecedented challenges in keeping the books balanced. Cash is king right now because it is easier to move into the various areas of operation that keep the College functioning. With cash we can more easily make choices about stopping up the revenue gaps.

Thanks,

Vice President of Finances, Dr. Dominic Ponzi

Secret Memo: Why we cannot fire Pousse de Fauteuil

Dear Vandergrind,

Hey, who told you to fire Pousse de Fauteuil? Do you have any idea what that guy knows about the things you and I were talking about last week concerning some financial matters involving myself, Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton, and Board members. Get him back on the payroll, give him a raise, and then come to talk to me. Don’t make a big to do about it.

Henry

Special Assistant to┬áProvost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil, Leaving Willard College to Pursue Other Opportunities

Dear Campus Community,

After a series of incidents, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil, special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, is seeking new opportunities not at Willard College. We wish him well and thank him for his eight months, three days, nine hours, fifteen minutes, and 43 seconds of tireless service for which he received little acknowledgement or thanks.

Provost Vandergrind

College is a Racket, a Shell Game, and a Ponzi Scheme

The following is the transcript of the speech given by President Henry Cotton at the National Higher Education Thought Leadership Conference. No portion of this text may be reproduced without the permission of Willard College, LLC.

“Dear Friends, Colleagues, and if I may be frank, Buddies,

Thanks for inviting me to the NHETLC. I’m a lifelong member and I know you all have followed Willard College with great interest. I get a lot of questions from college presidents. How do you manage to raise administrators’ salaries as enrollment and endowments plummet? How do I manage to hire enough faculty, or retain enough of those who already work here, to maintain accreditation? How do keep students happy enough that they rise up and burn the campus down with me in it? How do I keep deferring costly upkeep and repairs while avoiding catastrophic disasters?

Simple. Keep the money moving. Rob Peter to pay Paul. Spend enough to keep everyone just above miserable. Promise. Shift money to solve part of a problem, then shift it back to solve part of a different problem. Cash flow is key. Incoming tuition and federal grant money can stanch most open wounds, at least prevent a bleed out. Never admit a mistake. When confronted with a mistake, accuse the accuser of something worse. Keep your cards close, but play all of them, even the ones you have up your sleeve. Accountability is for suckers. Bend the rules. Write the playbook. Toss out the playbook.

Thanks Everyone!”

Chaty McGillicutty, Professor of Collegiate Studies, Publishes Paper: Professors work harder than Eighteenth-century Coal Miners

Dear Colleagues, In a new paper published in the journal “Collegiate Studies,” Collegiate Studies Professor Chatie [pronouned ‘che’-ha-tee] McGillicutty argues that professors put in more hours, at greater personal risk to themselves, than the average US underground coal miner. Using advanced statistical models, which allowed for excluding faculty summer vacations, winter breaks, conference travel, and days during the work week when not teaching when making the calculations. “Professors are also exposed to a significant number of environmental hazards, including microwaved pizza, unvacuumed offices, and the emotional labor around working with other people.”

We also wish Dr. McGillicutty a productive sabbatical which she will be spending researching university faculty workloads in southern France.

Provost Vandergrind