Dear Board of Trustees,
I regret to inform you that Willard College is facing a scandal of international proportions. As you know, President Cotton and his wife Dr. Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton were visiting Costa del Tuyu as part of a fact finding mission to determine the suitability of this location for an International Satellite Campus of Willard College. (You will recall that the Australian satellite campus burned down several years ago).
On their first night in Costa de Tuyu, both Cottons were arrested in separate incidents. Apparently, the two were seen arguing at one of the most exclusive restaurants in the beach community. About a half hour later, Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton was apprehended and charged with shoplifting at an exclusive gift shop near the water front. Costa del Tuyú city officials also have reported that she has been charged additionally with resisting arrest, blasphemy, public scandal, and an assortment of other charges that our legal team, in consultation with the remnants of the Willard College Foreign Modern Languages Department, is trying to translate into American.
Roughly at the same time of this arrest, President Cotton entered the exclusive Bangladesh Discoteca. After drinking heavily and dancing, President Cotton removed all of his clothing and exited the establishment with two bottles of Genever Gin Bols. Subsequent to his arrest, Costa del Tuyú police charged President Cotton with public indecency, public intoxication, public nudity within 100 meters of a house of worship, a public school, and a convent, resisting arrest, as well as a number of other charges that are also being translated from Spanish by the Willard College Foreign Modern Languages Department.
We are in close contact with the municipal government of Costa del Tuyú and hope to have both individuals quickly released and returned safely to Willard College. Please refrain from sharing this information as it is confidential and a matter that has no bearing on the operation of our college.
Vice Provost of Financial Affairs and interim-General Counsel, Dr. Glutina Sucre
Former Provost Gauleiter and temporary interim-President of Willard College