Dear Willard College Community,

When you come to campus on Monday be advised of the new Traffic Circle at the center of campus. The installation of this fuel saving device follows on the footsteps of the elimination of personal vehicles from our soon to be carbon-neutral campus.

We thank Mr. Spicer for his 57 minutes of service to Willurd College and wish him good luck in his future endeavors. There will be reception for Mr. Spicer and his wife Glydia Spicer this afternoon in the common room of the Egas Moniz Student Center. Gluten-free ice cream will be served by administrators. Bring your own bowl and spoon if you do not like eating ice cream from a cone.

Sincerely, Willard College Board of Trustees

We are pleased to announce the hiring of Sean Spicer as Media Relations Provost. Mr. Spicer is leaving a highly successful and much publicized career in Washington, D.C. His first task will be to manage the unfolding story of the missing Willard College college tour group. Mr. Spicer comes highly recommended from his last position.

Happy Friday,

The Board of Trustees

Dear Vice Provost of Financial Affairs and interim-General Counsel, Dr. Glutina Sucre

and Former Provost Gauleiter and temporary interim-President of Willard College

At approximately 2pm yesterday, a Willard College college tour went missing in the woods between the Charcot Dining Hall and the lake. In addition to the guide, there are approximately 24 parents and prospective students lost in the woods, or perhaps drowned in the lake. Aside from trying to locate these people, the College is working on a public statement that reminds the public that everyone on the tour had signed a document promising that neither they nor their heirs, family, or friends, would sue on their behalf should anything untoward occur during the tour. Briefly, this incident is neither our fault nor our legal responsibility. Therefore, our efforts to locate these unfortunate, and possibly already dead, individuals should be lauded. Our statement does not mention the growing problem of feral dogs and hogs in the countryside surrounding the College, a matter that I believe we are close to resolving once the county grants us a sufficiently relaxed “poison permit.”

Director of Public Safety, Sidney Cullather

Willard College is abolishing on-campus parking. Faculty and staff who choose to drive to work will be asked to park at the off-site parking facility. A bus will depart each morning at 7am from the off-site facility and will drop you off at the Campus Center at 7:45am. You can pick up the same bus at 6:30pm and it will deliver you to the parking lot at 8:45pm. To discourage driving and to reduce our carbon footprint, there are only two buses a day.

Thank you for your consideration

Daryl Marie Pruzonne, Campus Sustainability Director and Adjunct Professor of Byzantine Poetry

With her husband at her side, turning the pages of her forty-seven page long speech, Pre-Ambassadoresse Callista Gingrich delivered the Willard College Commencement Address to a rapt audience of soon to be graduating seniors and post-seniors, as well as their parents, siblings, friends, and others who had paid for tickets to attend the event. Pre-Ambassadoresse Gingrich’s speech was entitled “Building Dreams: The Newt and Callista Gingrich Story.” Highlights from the speech are password protected and the speech in its entirety has been optioned for a book with Regnery Press and cannot be reproduced by any entity without the permission of Gingrich Productions! Pre-Ambassadoresse Gingrich has been mentioned as the next representative of the United States to the Holy See, aka THE VATICAN!

Interested in learning about the fast-paced world of College Instruction in an on-the-job setting? Enjoy working with technology while also inter-facing with a client base? Able to type? Willard College seeks Interns in College Instruction to work in our new Willard College On-line Summer College Program. As of the Summer of 2017, 43% of all awarded college credits will be delivered via on-line courses. Be part of our growing team of highly trained Part-time Remote instructors through the Internships in College Instruction program.

For more information about how to earn College Credits while Interning as a College Instructor, contact Dean of Remote College Instruction Kasper Faleroni.

Dear Board of Trustees, As per your recent directive, Willard College was searching out a suitable location to develop a Willard College Internationalizing Satellite Campus. Our goals were three-fold. First, to be able to access fee paying students who may be interested in the “Willard Experience” but who do not wish to travel to or live in the traditional Willard College setting. Second, we wished to have a place to redirect Willard College students who may have required temporary relocation because of judicial or behavioral issues that are beyond the capacity of our overstretched Campus Public Safety officers. Third, this remote campus might serve as a convenient locale for the College’s alternative banking interests. As you will recall, the College often has found that traditional banking outlets do not afford us the required flexibility to manage assets in innovative or creative ways.

Costa del Tuyú was recently ranked “the best beach community in Argentina, South America” by leaders in the travel and leisure industry. The community boasts a world-renowned summer music festival, excellent shops and restaurants, an efficient municipal government, and other services and amenities.

Sadly, recent events have forced us to temporarily suspend pending resolution of legal technicalities.

Sincerely, The Subcommittee on Legal Affairs of the Board of Trustees [name withheld]

Dear Board of Trustees,

I regret to inform you that Willard College is facing a scandal of international proportions. As you know, President Cotton and his wife Dr. Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton were visiting Costa del Tuyu as part of a fact finding mission to determine the suitability of this location for an International Satellite Campus of Willard College. (You will recall that the Australian satellite campus burned down several years ago).

On their first night in Costa de Tuyu, both Cottons were arrested in separate incidents. Apparently, the two were seen arguing at one of the most exclusive restaurants in the beach community. About a half hour later, Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton was apprehended and charged with shoplifting at an exclusive gift shop near the water front.  Costa del Tuyú city officials also have reported that she has been charged additionally with resisting arrest, blasphemy, public scandal, and an assortment of other charges that our legal team, in consultation with the remnants of the Willard College Foreign Modern Languages Department, is trying to translate into American.

Roughly at the same time of this arrest, President Cotton entered the exclusive Bangladesh Discoteca. After drinking heavily and dancing, President Cotton removed all of his clothing and exited the establishment with two bottles of Genever Gin Bols. Subsequent to his arrest, Costa del Tuyú police charged President Cotton with public indecency, public intoxication, public nudity within 100 meters of a house of worship, a public school, and a convent, resisting arrest, as well as a number of other charges that are also being translated from Spanish by the Willard College Foreign Modern Languages Department.

We are in close contact with the municipal government of Costa del Tuyú and hope to have both individuals quickly released and returned safely to Willard College. Please refrain from sharing this information as it is confidential and a matter that has no bearing on the operation of our college.

Sincerely,

Vice Provost of Financial Affairs and interim-General Counsel, Dr. Glutina Sucre

Former Provost Gauleiter and temporary interim-President of Willard College