Dear Willard College Senior Leaders,

We are detecting a new and troubling trend was we attempt to stanch the gapping enrollment wound faced by the college. It appears that many of the demographic traditionally drawn to Willard College is opting for Pinecone College. As you may or may not know, Pinecone College went into bankruptcy several years ago and was on financial life support from the COVID relief funds. And so I regretfully report that Pinecone College is giving Willard College a run for our money.

As an enrollment management professional, I can assure you that we are doing everything we can. But I think the problem rests with a high level of reputational damage suffered by the college during the past several decades. Repeated problems with arson directed against the administration, fecal vandalism of the museum, dorms without heat or running water, riots by students at graduation, academic programs that exist on paper but not in reality, low faculty morale sparked by continual pay and benefits cuts, impending indictments against senior administrators for money laundering, and the list goes on.

My unsolicited advice is that the administration consider focusing onthese impediments to raising enrollment.

Singretfully,

Phoenicia Apple, Vice President of Enrollment Management

Dear Willard Community,

The new Dean of the Willard College College of Medicine, Dr. Warren Cheeseburger, is excited to share with us the proper pronunciation of his name. His name is pronounced “Chessboro.” Please do not call him by the name for a popular American picnic food. Dr. Cheeseburger will serve as the first dean of the Willard College College of Medicine.

Thanks, Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil

Dear Community, In nimble response to the latest financial and higher education thought leadering trends, while also expressing deep gratitude and humility to the Department of History, we are excited, and sad, to announce that History faculty offices have been moved to the sub-basement to make way for the new School of Realtors. To access the History faculty, please take the one functioning elevator to the Basement level, exit the elevator and head to the left down the long passage way past the janitors closets, the pile of old lead pipes and bricks, until you reach a heavy steel door. Before you go down the stairs, please turn on your cell phone flashlight because the hallway lights are not functioning (yet!) in that part of the building.

Sincerely, Louise de Guise, Public Safety and Animal Control Officer and Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil

Dear Willard College Faculty,

A friendly reminder, as we always do at this time of the year, that engaging in street fights with disgruntled students, especially those who post negative reviews on Rate My Professor, is strongly discouraged. There are better ways to resolve conflicts than fists.

Sincerely, Louise de Guise, Public Safety and Animal Control Officer and Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil

The Willard College Community is thrilled to announce that Dr. Nelson Vidalia has published a pathbreaking article that argues, hypothetically, how onions could replace individual national currencies to create a true global economy around a single currency. Dr. Vidalia shares: “I’ve studied the question of onions as a possible global currency and all of my calculations come back with the same conclusion. Onions as a global unit of exchange would increase trade, reduce supply chain problems, and would even help to reduce global economic inequalities. It is not, I should note, an insane idea. Rather, it is an idea whose time has come.” Next month, Dr. Vidalia will go on a 20 country tour to share his conclusions with Central Bankers in Europe and South America. We wish him great luck!

Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil

Dear Campus Community,

It is with hints of bittersweet chocolate, early post-war Italian neo-realism, and pink roses that we announce the departure of Dr. Prodigo who has decided to look for opportunities away from her beloved Willard College. Dr. Prodigo became well-known on campus teaching classes that students enjoyed and for her repeated calls for criminal investigations against Dr. Cotton, Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton (also known as Dr. Cotton but it gets confusing having TWO Dr. Cottons), the Board of Trustees, and several (actually all) former and current administrators, including Provost Pillow. In a series of wildly unsubstantiated and frankly difficult to believe public letters, Dr. Prodigo claimed that the Board of Trustees was engaging in money laundering, the administrators were taking bribes from Dr. Henry Cotton in exchange for signing non-disclosure agreements, certain administrators covered up crimes committed outside of campus by Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton and used the Willard College endowment with the knowledge of the Board of Trustees to cover court costs and fees associated with legal proceedings. Dr. Prodigo also claimed the monies saved by cutting departments and reducing budgets of those surviving departments were siphoned off by the Drs. Cottons and their close Board of Trustees associates. Dr. Prodigo accused our beloved and now deceased Associate Provost for Athletic Affairs, Dr. Primo Juan Gomes de Farandula, M.D., PhD., of committing war crimes. The not soon enough departing professor also had the absolute temerity to question whether we were hiring too many administrators. When the College experienced some unspecified disturbances, including a number of fires, many pointed the finger at Dr. Prodrigo, who also raised a number of invalid concerns about changes to faculty and staff dental plans.

In closing, we remind you all administrators have filed sworn affidavits as to their complete innocence.

Dr. Prodigo. It has been wild ride. Good luck. You’ll be missed.

Sincerely,

Louise de Guise, Public Safety and Animal Control Officer and Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil

Dear Willard College Friends,

Once again ugly and untrue rumors are circulating to the effect that several of the esteemed members of our Board of Trustees are abusing their fiduciary responsibility to the College by using their position and connection to the institution for the purpose of money laundering. We will not dignify these baseless accusations with an investigation into their veracity but rather are conducting a thorough investigation to determine who is responsible for spreading these unfounded and frankly mean lies about a team of individual who have literally given countless hours to our beloved college, Willard College. We also note, sadly, that the college is no stranger to these kinds of smear tactics. Our beloved President, Dr. Henry Cotton, was himself a target recently.

Dr. Lusitania Glüm, PhD, Director of Marketing and Promotion

Dear Willard College Student Community,

We have heard you. You want to be included. You want your voices to be present on campus and to be made important. And so, Dr. Henry Cotton and the Board of Trustees have selected graduating senior Chad Pete to the Willard College Student Commencement Speaker. Chad’s talk, which he has entitled “It’ll be OK,” will discuss resilience, improvisation, and the meaning of his life. Chad will be joined on stage by the Board of Trustees, President Dr. Henry Cotton, Dr. Cheryle Tina Fae Cotton, and this year’s commencement speaker, Theranos CEO, Elizabeth Holmes!

Sincerely,

Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil