Dear President Cotton, During renovations on the old Humanities building, which is being repurposed for the new Department of Administrative Science, workers uncovered a previously unknown sub-basement office area. In the space, they encountered a group of bearded men in suits and ties, and several older women with their hair in tight buns, working behind manual typewriters, surrounded by large and dusty books.  The crew was able to determine that these people are the Willard College Classics Department. Apparently, when the program was terminated ten years ago, an email was sent to the chair. She did not know that she had an email account. Not knowing better,  they continued coming to work, wrote conference papers, prepared lectures, gave classes to no one, engaged in often violent internecine departmental policy debates, factionaled, microwaved their soup, and waited.  What were they waiting for?

I seek your guidance on how to proceed.

Dr. Larry Gross, Dean of Facilities

Dear Willard College Board of Trustees and Loyal Administrators,

In these days of higher educational doom and gloom, with reports of budget cuts, declining college-age population, and rising costs, we are all searching for the good news. Well, I’m happy to report that Sweet Briar College in Virginia is closing shop at the end of the spring semester. This is good news in an era of hysterical predictions that residential colleges cannot survive. The closure also represents a rare opportunity for Willard College to identify, recruit, and enroll, a large population of full-tuition paying students. I’ve authorized the Provost Triumvirate to commence negotiations immediately with their counterparts at Sweet Briar. We will propose our innovative ‘bundling’ admissions system, in which we admit based on cohort scores, grades, credit-ratings, and extracurriculars, rather than on the time-consuming and cost-ineffective individual admissions. Based on the number of students who choose Willard College, we will provide a group discount on tuition. Credit transfers will be dealt with once the students have adjusted to Willard College. We are also looking into how to tie this proposal into their very healthy endowment.

Gleefully, President Henry Cotton

Dr. Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton has returned to Willard College following a brief interlude at Sylvester University. While away, Dr. Cotton completed her advanced degree in Marriage Counseling.Upon hearing of her return to Willard, Dr. Cotton was named Director of the Student Out-patient Mental Hygiene Clinic. She is replacing Dr. Clifford Beers, who retired last year. As students have left campus for the break, Dr. Cotton is offering reduced-fee counseling sessions for faculty and staff who are facing any mental health challenges related to the Holiday Season. Please feel free to drop in for a session OR drop her a line and she can dispense Holiday counseling advice free of charge.

With great happiness to have Cheryl Tina Faye back,

President Henry Cotton

A friendly reminder: do not pick up hitchhikers in or around the campus. Faculty are on lock down until final grades have been posted, students have offered their responses on Ratemyprofessors.com, appealed their grades, and faculty have changed the grades in accordance with those requests.

Sincerely, The Provost Triumvirate

Dear President Cotton, Herewith, we announce that the  offices of Vice Interim Provost Lionel Brouxet, Interim Vice Provost Candy Martin  and Associate Assistant Vice Interim Provost Fulgenze deBaptiste have formed a new unitary office, hereby declared to be named The Provost Triumvirate. Into this new office shall accrue all separate powers hitherto invested in the three above mentioned offices. The Provost Triumvirate accepts under its charge all matters academic, financial, athletic, sanitary, judicial, and promotional. Moreover, and therefore, the Provost Triumvirate is charged with the powers of police and security on Willard College campus, and in the perimeter as we determine fit to maintain the safety and security of all who either reside or employ within said grounds. In the interest of ensuring a peaceful future for our campus, The Provost Triumvirate will be holding summary trials of any and all individuals involved in recent disturbances, with exceptions for those granted a priori clemency during, or before, the outbreak, of previously mentioned disturbances.

Signed, The Provost Triumvirate

Dear President Cotton, The Board of Trustees would like to communicate to you our concern about the current situation of upper level administrators at the college. After a careful review of payroll from last month, the Board notes that there are now three individuals occupying the position of Provost. They are, as you no doubt know by now, Vice Interim Provost Lionel Brouxet (who answers to the Board of Trustees), Interim Vice Provost Candy Martin (who answers to you) and Associate Assistant Vice Interim Provost Fulgenze DeBaptiste (whose provenance, remit, pay, etc are known to no one). It is unseemly to have such overlap of authority, made worse by sporadic reports of three way shouting matches between the three administrators at recent meetings. All three individuals were seen drinking alcohol before, during, and after the incident. We also understand that the three provosts have recruited gangs of students, staff, and faculty to their causes and have funded these individuals and groups both through unmandated allocations to programs and departments, but also outright cash payments. There is also a rumor, unsubstantiated at this point, and hopefully false, that there have been several violent incidences between gangs affiliated with Brouxet, Martin, and DeBaptiste. The most recent episode was reported to involve the deployment of both fire arms and blunt instruments, including lead pipes, lap tops, and shovels.

Henry, where are we going with this?

With sincere concern, The Willard College Board of Trustees

Dear Proud Willard College Graduates,

If you graduated from Willard College between 1989-1995, your degree may be subject to a recall. During those years, our Assessment and Accreditation Review Committee may have made some slight clerical errors in reporting program review and accreditation to the relevant state boards and agencies. As such, certain degrees may be subject to recall, even though the departments awarding said degrees was to all appearances fully operational. While the dates of concern go back beyond the period where we can refund tuition or room and board, we will be offering on-line courses to which you can enroll in order to fill in the credit gaps. Once completed, you will receive a new degree and will also be eligible to walk in the  commencement ceremony of that year. Questions should be directed to either Vice Interim Provost Lionel Brouxet (who answers to the Board of Trustees) or Interim Vice Provost Candy Martin (who answers to President Cotton) or Associate Assistant Vice Interim Provost Fulgence DeBaptiste (who was appointed by an independent advisory board).

Best regards, Carlisle Blanche, Assistant to President Cotton

Willard College announces the inauguration of its first interdisciplinary major, Clown Studies. Students may elect to pursue a BA, BS, or BFA in Clown Studies. Clown Studies department chair, Juan-Jean Claude Payaso, invites students to consider from the following menu of attractive courses to reach the required credit allocation. Courses that are counted toward the Clown Studies degree may not be used for the attainment of other degrees. The following is a partial list of courses:

CS 101 Clown Studies (required for all majors)

SOC 343  John Wayne Gacey and the Criminalization and Marginalization of Clowns and Clown Culture

HIST 201 Clowns in History: From the Court Jester to Jerry Lewis

ARTH 321 Clown Art: From Athens to Ashtabula

FILM 233 The Day the Clown Cried: Cinema of Clownness

COMPLIT 245 Habermas and the Theorizing of the Clown Question

PSYCH 353 Coulrophobia