Dear President Cotton, The Board of Trustees would like to communicate to you our concern about the current situation of upper level administrators at the college. After a careful review of payroll from last month, the Board notes that there are now three individuals occupying the position of Provost. They are, as you no doubt know by now, Vice Interim Provost Lionel Brouxet (who answers to the Board of Trustees), Interim Vice Provost Candy Martin (who answers to you) and Associate Assistant Vice Interim Provost Fulgenze DeBaptiste (whose provenance, remit, pay, etc are known to no one). It is unseemly to have such overlap of authority, made worse by sporadic reports of three way shouting matches between the three administrators at recent meetings. All three individuals were seen drinking alcohol before, during, and after the incident. We also understand that the three provosts have recruited gangs of students, staff, and faculty to their causes and have funded these individuals and groups both through unmandated allocations to programs and departments, but also outright cash payments. There is also a rumor, unsubstantiated at this point, and hopefully false, that there have been several violent incidences between gangs affiliated with Brouxet, Martin, and DeBaptiste. The most recent episode was reported to involve the deployment of both fire arms and blunt instruments, including lead pipes, lap tops, and shovels.

Henry, where are we going with this?

With sincere concern, The Willard College Board of Trustees

Dear Proud Willard College Graduates,

If you graduated from Willard College between 1989-1995, your degree may be subject to a recall. During those years, our Assessment and Accreditation Review Committee may have made some slight clerical errors in reporting program review and accreditation to the relevant state boards and agencies. As such, certain degrees may be subject to recall, even though the departments awarding said degrees was to all appearances fully operational. While the dates of concern go back beyond the period where we can refund tuition or room and board, we will be offering on-line courses to which you can enroll in order to fill in the credit gaps. Once completed, you will receive a new degree and will also be eligible to walk in the  commencement ceremony of that year. Questions should be directed to either Vice Interim Provost Lionel Brouxet (who answers to the Board of Trustees) or Interim Vice Provost Candy Martin (who answers to President Cotton) or Associate Assistant Vice Interim Provost Fulgence DeBaptiste (who was appointed by an independent advisory board).

Best regards, Carlisle Blanche, Assistant to President Cotton

Willard College announces the inauguration of its first interdisciplinary major, Clown Studies. Students may elect to pursue a BA, BS, or BFA in Clown Studies. Clown Studies department chair, Juan-Jean Claude Payaso, invites students to consider from the following menu of attractive courses to reach the required credit allocation. Courses that are counted toward the Clown Studies degree may not be used for the attainment of other degrees. The following is a partial list of courses:

CS 101 Clown Studies (required for all majors)

SOC 343  John Wayne Gacey and the Criminalization and Marginalization of Clowns and Clown Culture

HIST 201 Clowns in History: From the Court Jester to Jerry Lewis

ARTH 321 Clown Art: From Athens to Ashtabula

FILM 233 The Day the Clown Cried: Cinema of Clownness

COMPLIT 245 Habermas and the Theorizing of the Clown Question

PSYCH 353 Coulrophobia

Dear Willard Faculty,

The Shared Governance Task Force has rescheduled its weekly Monday 4pm meetings. Meetings scheduled for even numbered days will be moved to the next even numbered Thursday. Meetings scheduled for odd numbered Mondays will be moved to the immediate prior even Thursday.

Questions about the policy may be directed to my administrative assistant, whose landline number can be located in the print edition of the upcoming “Willard College Directory.”

Sincerely,

Provost Brouxet

Dear President Cotton, Regarding your last letter, I decline your kind request that I resign my position as Vice Interim Provost of Willard College. Since the sudden departure of Provost Gauleiter, and the scandal that accompanied the related and very public impending divorce from your future ex-wife, Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton, the Board of Trustees, in their great wisdom, appointed me to this position. It is clear from my contract that I answer to the Board and not to you. My primary charge is to clarify Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton’s precise relationship to the financial health of this institution, specifically to the question of unaccounted and/or missing funds, a damaged college vehicle, and a rather serious case of arson.

At the same time, as chief academic officer on the campus, I’ve been charged to reverse a systematic ‘mollycoddling’ of faculty and staff that has been a hallmark of your last year as president. See last summer’s so-called retreat and the more recent parking policy. Details of the new order will be forthcoming.

Sincerely,

Vice Interim Provost, Lionel Brouxet (pronounced Brouchettes)

Please remember that if you have a parking pass for Faculty and Staff Lots X, Y, or Z, you need to feed the meter every hour. The meters now take $5 and $1o bills. Lots R,S, and T are being repaved but there are shuttles on the Four Hour from Lots AA, BB, and CC. You will need an updated parking pass to access those lots. Finally, President Cotton has been re-elected as Chairman of the Parking Appeals Board.

After a busy July planning, hiring, repurposing, and rescheduling, Willard College proudly announces the inauguration of the Bachelor in Language Management! As the classic liberal arts programs have proven themselves to be increasingly irrelevant, and even hated in some quarters, Willard College decisively moved forward to create a new major that responds to the vital needs of government and private entities. Colleges, corporations, the armed forces, all levels of government, public schools, etc. are desperate to hire people trained in the art of managing the message, keeping organizations on the message, and, most importantly, being able to massage the message when circumstances change.  BLM major will be trained in the art of the bullet p0ints, the talking points, and other points.

Sincerely, Henry Cotton, President of Willard College

Dear President Cotton,

I’m pleased to hear that Willard College has signed the contract to allow CCC, Inc to be the exclusive provider of all campus chicken products. I think your students will get years of enjoyment out of our locally sourced and traditionally raised and slaughtered poultry. You seemed especially taken by our policy of never over-refrigerating the chicken. In fact, many of the most important poultry flavors come from letting the meat settle in the open air. A properly aged chicken, like fine wine, takes on the flavors of nature, the sun, the humidity, and particulate matter invisible to the human eye. As with all of our new clients, the first shipment will come with specific instructions for the safe storage and processing of our product.

Thank you for your careful attention to all of the details in this transaction. Clearly there were major hurdles to getting this contract through!

Best regards, Charles Chownes, CEO, CCC, Inc.