Dear President Cotton, Regarding your last letter, I decline your kind request that I resign my position as Vice Interim Provost of Willard College. Since the sudden departure of Provost Gauleiter, and the scandal that accompanied the related and very public impending divorce from your future ex-wife, Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton, the Board of Trustees, in their great wisdom, appointed me to this position. It is clear from my contract that I answer to the Board and not to you. My primary charge is to clarify Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton’s precise relationship to the financial health of this institution, specifically to the question of unaccounted and/or missing funds, a damaged college vehicle, and a rather serious case of arson.

At the same time, as chief academic officer on the campus, I’ve been charged to reverse a systematic ‘mollycoddling’ of faculty and staff that has been a hallmark of your last year as president. See last summer’s so-called retreat and the more recent parking policy. Details of the new order will be forthcoming.

Sincerely,

Vice Interim Provost, Lionel Brouxet (pronounced Brouchettes)