Dear Willard College Students,

I want to thank you for the recent demonstration concerning my compensation package. Rest assured, my compensation is determined by a presidentially appointed Board of Trustees and the total package is is alignment with best practices as determined by college professionals.

Good luck with Finals Week!

President Henry Cotton

Dear Bob,

Please do not share this email. Its contents could get me fired!

As a new hire at the college, I thought I’d take the opportunity to meet President Cotton and his wife Tina Cheryl Fay [sic] Cotton for one of his monthly “Dinner with the President” events. I arrived a few minutes after the other “guest,” an affable faculty member from Economics who is also new to Willard College. The conversation on its surface was light and airy,  but just below, Cotton took opportunities to position himself in a dominate or all knowing position. He attacked and then retreated all night.

After the first hour of talking about the text book he is writing, no food or drink having been served or offered, Cotton went into inquisition mode. In rapid fire, he asked question after question of us concerning not our teaching or scholarship, but about the position of faculty and staff members with respect to him and his office. At times, the questions, which were delivered with great violence, were so specific as to suggest that Cotton is spying on the faculty.

He then was called away by Provost Pillow, who had come in through the back door. They started yelling at each other, with the pitch growing higher and higher until it hurt my ears. Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton also got into the mix and it sounded like she was hitting Provost Pillow. More screams.

When Cotton returned, there was spittle on his shirt and tie. He began to yell at me about the recent resignation of the Tim Wolfe from the presidency of the University of Missouri. He started explaining to me that Wolfe had shown that he had neither “back bone nor balls.” He suggested that Wolfe might have “employed better security, blackmailed the striking football players, thrown an assistant dean under the bus, or even started a god-damn fire in a dorm and blamed it on the f—ing student agitators.”

The mood then turned light again and he fed us cookies, served from a platter. It was the appetizer. Suddenly, Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton emerged and announced that dinner, that she had been preparing for the last 12 hours, was ready and that we must quickly sit down at the dining room table. She is vegan but had agreed to make a chicken dish, “pollo en vinagre.” I asked for her to translate the name of the entrée since my Spanish is pretty poor. “Oh,” she replied, ” you take a whole chicken, stuff it with onions and lemons, and then soak it in vinegar for 12 hours.” It is eaten with a spoon.

After dinner, the conversation turned back to campus politics. President Cotton began to ask me what I thought of Provost Pillow, who was sitting at the table with us. “Can I trust Pillow? Do you think any of the former provosts, like Gauleiter, Videla, Brouxet, Martin, or Baptiste communicate with this little bastard?” He then stood up, came over to my side of the table, took my head between his sweaty hands, kissed me on the forehead, and then whispered “I can trust you, can’t I?”

Sorry for going on so long about the evening. There is more to tell. Perhaps we can grab lunch next week. Would you be willing to write me a letter if I go back on the job market?

Best, Kevin

“This guy need to read his [                  ] history and figure out better strategies to stay in office. I’m disappointed that he flees the presidential palace so quickly. Declare martial law. Denounce the troublemakers. Blame outside agitators. Have some mid-level functionaries publicly shamed. Create a commission to study the problem. But don’t just f-ing give up!”–Henry Cotton in declassified email to Provost Pillow

Dear Willard Community, The following email was intercepted last night:

“I think everyone recognizes that Provost Pillow is Cotton’s slave. At night, he goes to Cotton’s palace and after being strip searched by the president’s new security detail (no one can be trusted) he puts on a sack cloth, enters the palace barefoot, and spends the night polishing the silver and drafting memos. At 5am,Cotton beats him, often at the urging of Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton,  and then he is allowed to put back on his provost costume.  He then spends much of the morning crying in his office.”

Although the sender of the email has been detained for further questioning, we want to assure you that such rumors are completely false. We have a very collegial, open, and honest working relationship, and one in which coercion and intimidation would not be tolerated!

Sincerely, President Cotton and Provost Pillow

Dear Campus, Following a months long investigation by campus security, it was determined that now former Provost Brouxet‘s dissertation, “Songs to a Beneficent State: Corneliu Vadim Tudor and Socialist Poetics” was entirely lifted from a book published in 1978 by Tudor’s close friend and confidant,  Elena Ceausescu, Ph.D, M.D, J.D., M.A.T., etc. This news is all more troubling since Willard College had invited Mr. Tudor to serve as our Poet-in-Residence for the recently created Write Willard program. Unfortunately, Mr. Tudor’s untimely death had cut short those plans. Still, the College feels a deep connection to Mr. Tudor’s work and life.

We wish former Provost Brouxet, whose tenure at Willard College was both short and unforgettable,  the best in his future endeavour as Dean of Students at Sylvester University, an institution that has received many a former Willard College administrator!

What a sad memo to have to write on such a beautiful morning.

Provost Pillow

P.S. Below is Tudor’s greatest poem!

“Femeie creatoare – Slavà Tie’ (Hail, Woman Creator) “Creative woman, bless you! The nation’s love envelops you, Scholar and political personage, and mother at the same time. You, strong role model, of charm and wisdom Will be always felt and followed Be forever happy, you, eternal symbol Of Romanian heroines which you have become Forge onward at the side of the country’s Hero Through the great epic of the Romanian people!”

And his last poem!

Last coffee

“Come, Death, let’s have some coffee,
I’ll make it flavoured and strong
Just drop your heavy scythe, I beg thee
And thy cloak so strange and long.

Please, do sit down on this armchair
I don’t mind if you smoke,
Whom are you mourning, dear,
Why do you cry and choke?

The coffee is so hot, oh my,
Don’t hurry, it might burn.
Let my star twinkle in the sky,
If I die, what do you earn?

You came to grab me face to face.
Too great a honour, you see,
Of the entire human race
Why do you want just me?

Let me read your coffee grounds
To have your fate foreseen.
There is some hardship that abounds
But you are smart, you’ll win.

You’re out of money again and again.
In this, you are like me,
Why would you be my enemy then?
I understand you thoroughly.

People applaud you from far away
They struggle, yell and race.
Turn around, Death, please, if I may,
What is there in your trace?

Now you’re my prisoner, my dear,
I wanted you to know.
That of you I have no fear,
I’ve poisoned your joe.

Are you an administrator? Do you feel that your communication skills could be improved? Do you find that your memos are all sounding dull, repetitive, and derivative of the memos written by the person who held the position before you? Do you find that the message of your memos gets lost, misunderstood, misconstrued, or rejected by the intended audience? Do your memos make the intended audience react with anger or disgust? Have you run out of ways to announce that a consulting firm has been hired?

If the answers to any of these questions were YES, please take a look at Willard College’s Masters of Arts in Administrative Communication. This course of study builds on our well-regarded Bachelor of Arts in Language Management and graduates of that program will be given special consideration in their applications. We anticipate high levels of interest, especially because awarding-winning journalist Robin Leach has agreed to serve as the program’s first dean.

As always, with great sincerity, Provost Pillow

Dear Willard College Faculty,

President Cotton has tasked me to host a series of Free-Form Faculty Forums where faculty can freely voice their opinions about matters concerning your professional experiences and faculty governance at Willard College. I know that I am new to Willard College and that I arrive on the heels of some difficult experiences. And at the forum I look forward to being able to tell you a little bit about me. Perhaps we can become friends and colleagues, IN THAT ORDER! When you sign up to attend the meeting your name will be placed in raffle jar. A lucky faculty person will win a parking space next to mine for two weeks!

Interim Provost Pillow