Dear Willard Community, The following email was intercepted last night:

“I think everyone recognizes that Provost Pillow is Cotton’s slave. At night, he goes to Cotton’s palace and after being strip searched by the president’s new security detail (no one can be trusted) he puts on a sack cloth, enters the palace barefoot, and spends the night polishing the silver and drafting memos. At 5am,Cotton beats him, often at the urging of Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton,  and then he is allowed to put back on his provost costume.  He then spends much of the morning crying in his office.”

Although the sender of the email has been detained for further questioning, we want to assure you that such rumors are completely false. We have a very collegial, open, and honest working relationship, and one in which coercion and intimidation would not be tolerated!

Sincerely, President Cotton and Provost Pillow