Dear Willard College Board of Trustees and Loyal Administrators,

In these days of higher educational doom and gloom, with reports of budget cuts, declining college-age population, and rising costs, we are all searching for the good news. Well, I’m happy to report that Sweet Briar College in Virginia is closing shop at the end of the spring semester. This is good news in an era of hysterical predictions that residential colleges cannot survive. The closure also represents a rare opportunity for Willard College to identify, recruit, and enroll, a large population of full-tuition paying students. I’ve authorized the Provost Triumvirate to commence negotiations immediately with their counterparts at Sweet Briar. We will propose our innovative ‘bundling’ admissions system, in which we admit based on cohort scores, grades, credit-ratings, and extracurriculars, rather than on the time-consuming and cost-ineffective individual admissions. Based on the number of students who choose Willard College, we will provide a group discount on tuition. Credit transfers will be dealt with once the students have adjusted to Willard College. We are also looking into how to tie this proposal into their very healthy endowment.

Gleefully, President Henry Cotton