Dear Provost Pillow,

As we think about cost-cutting at Willard College in light of the tidal wave of law suits that former General Counsel Hector Nancy has tossed at us, my gaze has turned towards the Admissions Office. Can you think of any reason that their work couldn’t be handle by a part-time temp? Or perhaps an enterprising business or marketing student who is interested in learning how to determine people’s income and assets? How quickly can the staff be let go and the office’s equipment sold off? Is a week too quick a timetable? Also, can you dig up that proposal from a few years ago about getting students to earn credit for hauling out their own trash?

We are at a critical juncture at this institution so we don’t need one good idea but rather dozens of mediocre and even bad ideas. I’m done with trying to find “the” idea. Let’s just do anything that crosses our mind. It has to work. It has to.

President Henry Cotton

Dear President Cotton,

The news that former general counsel Hector Nancy initiated a massive law suit against his  former employer on behalf of over a dozen different plaintiff groups, literally minutes after signing the paperwork on his retirement and post-employment package leaves us utterly speechless. Based on what we see in the law suit, Nancy spent his entire career filing away every piece of dirt he could find about Willard College, including items where he was acting on our behalf. This is the largest set of class action suits ever directed at a college. These law suits include violations of the Americans with Disabilities Act, Title IX, the Comprehensive Environmental Response, Compensation, and Liability Act (Superfund), the Federal Anti-Kickback Law and Regulatory Safe Harbors regulations, and the Money Laundering Control Act of 1986 (Public Law 99-570), to name just a few of the laws in question. In last few years, Nancy devoted most of his time to  organizing plaintiffs and used his own office and work-time to meet with individuals and groups, and to run focus groups in anticipation of this post-retirement law suit.

Cotton, you and Provost Pillow need to fix this and fix it quickly. He cannot be serious. This is just a set up and at this point, our best option is to pay him off. Do what you need to do.

The Board of Trustees

Dear President Cotton,

Thank you for your kind note. Yes, I do agree that it is not the place for a provost to issue a statement concerning his, or her, provostal philosophy. And along those lines, I stepped across a line, albeit an invisible line, by implying that a provost would have a paternal relationship with his, or her, faculty, as such a relationship is reserved exclusively to that of a president. I think I would agree that the role of a provost is really as a servant, or handmaid, to not just the president, but to his, or her, will, be that will clearly known, or only divined through his, or her, force of personality and charisma. Finally, I would wholeheartedly agree that the recent case of Mount St. Mary’s College, where the President exercised his presidential authority to prune an excessively defiant provost from the administrative structure, is indeed an inspiring story.

You have brilliantly clarified the structure, nature, and essence of our working relationship in a way that has really be most helpful as I adjust to this new position. I look forward to our recently un-cancelled Monday morning meeting.

Sincerely, and with gratitude,

Provost Pillow

Dear Beloved Faculty,

I know that the past year has been a difficult one, with several provosts arriving and leaving and even a brief period of having three provosts at the same time. Faculty at Willard College are like children whose Momma takes up with a new man every month. After a while, the children don’t know who to call “Daddy” any more. I hope that in the months to come, you will all come understand that I’m for real, I’m not going anywhere (I just bought a house and my wife Kathy is already volunteering at the Sylvester County Unified School District where our children are enrolled), and when you are ready and comfortable, you can call me “Daddy” and know it means something.

So, now that you know a bit more about me, you must be wondering: How is Provost Pillow going to work with, and to, faculty. I really base my provostal philosophy on one word: EQUITY. I don’t make distinctions based on anything. You are all the same to me, just like my own kids. I promise.

As we move forward, please feel free to contact me and we can arrange one-on-one or small group meetings. I want to hear from you.

Sincerely,

Provost Pillow

Dear Department of English,

On behalf of President Cotton, the Board of Trustees, and myself, I want to congratulate your department on reaching the enrolment milestone set by the administration back in 2010. As of the Spring 2016 semester, Willard College has no English majors or minors. English courses that had been put on the Course Menu for the Spring 2016 semester have been deleted. In the next few weeks, each member of your department will receive a “reassignment assessment.” The results of the assessment will determine whether faculty will be re-purposed to the Masters of Arts in Administrative Communication program, to the Assessment and Accreditation Review Committee, or to the Bachelor of Arts in Language Management program. Faculty who are not rerouted to one of those units can expect to receive an additional “pre post-employment re-assessment.”

Thanks again for your hard work in making the Humanities what they have become at Willard College.

Sincerely, Provost Pillow

Dear Willard Faculty,

I recently received an anonymous note that accused me of employing “empty rhetoric” in explaining matters essential to the governance of this institution (the specifics don’t matter) that I love with my whole heart. Over dinner that night, Cheryl Tina Faye and I pored over the note and we really couldn’t make sense of it. We agreed that I’ve spent my entire Willard career communicating to staff, administrators, students, and faculty, the full and colorful reality of this institution. We have built and rebuilt a web of best practices that fulfill multiple, and often overlapping, exigencies and initiatives.

I look forward to hearing from more of you in the coming weeks and months. I’m listening and watching!

Sincerely,

President Henry Cotton

Dear Willard College Students,

I want to thank you for the recent demonstration concerning my compensation package. Rest assured, my compensation is determined by a presidentially appointed Board of Trustees and the total package is is alignment with best practices as determined by college professionals.

Good luck with Finals Week!

President Henry Cotton