Dear Campus, Following a months long investigation by campus security, it was determined that now former Provost Brouxet‘s dissertation, “Songs to a Beneficent State: Corneliu Vadim Tudor and Socialist Poetics” was entirely lifted from a book published in 1978 by Tudor’s close friend and confidant,  Elena Ceausescu, Ph.D, M.D, J.D., M.A.T., etc. This news is all more troubling since Willard College had invited Mr. Tudor to serve as our Poet-in-Residence for the recently created Write Willard program. Unfortunately, Mr. Tudor’s untimely death had cut short those plans. Still, the College feels a deep connection to Mr. Tudor’s work and life.

We wish former Provost Brouxet, whose tenure at Willard College was both short and unforgettable,  the best in his future endeavour as Dean of Students at Sylvester University, an institution that has received many a former Willard College administrator!

What a sad memo to have to write on such a beautiful morning.

Provost Pillow

P.S. Below is Tudor’s greatest poem!

“Femeie creatoare – Slavà Tie’ (Hail, Woman Creator) “Creative woman, bless you! The nation’s love envelops you, Scholar and political personage, and mother at the same time. You, strong role model, of charm and wisdom Will be always felt and followed Be forever happy, you, eternal symbol Of Romanian heroines which you have become Forge onward at the side of the country’s Hero Through the great epic of the Romanian people!”

And his last poem!

Last coffee

“Come, Death, let’s have some coffee,
I’ll make it flavoured and strong
Just drop your heavy scythe, I beg thee
And thy cloak so strange and long.

Please, do sit down on this armchair
I don’t mind if you smoke,
Whom are you mourning, dear,
Why do you cry and choke?

The coffee is so hot, oh my,
Don’t hurry, it might burn.
Let my star twinkle in the sky,
If I die, what do you earn?

You came to grab me face to face.
Too great a honour, you see,
Of the entire human race
Why do you want just me?

Let me read your coffee grounds
To have your fate foreseen.
There is some hardship that abounds
But you are smart, you’ll win.

You’re out of money again and again.
In this, you are like me,
Why would you be my enemy then?
I understand you thoroughly.

People applaud you from far away
They struggle, yell and race.
Turn around, Death, please, if I may,
What is there in your trace?

Now you’re my prisoner, my dear,
I wanted you to know.
That of you I have no fear,
I’ve poisoned your joe.

Are you an administrator? Do you feel that your communication skills could be improved? Do you find that your memos are all sounding dull, repetitive, and derivative of the memos written by the person who held the position before you? Do you find that the message of your memos gets lost, misunderstood, misconstrued, or rejected by the intended audience? Do your memos make the intended audience react with anger or disgust? Have you run out of ways to announce that a consulting firm has been hired?

If the answers to any of these questions were YES, please take a look at Willard College’s Masters of Arts in Administrative Communication. This course of study builds on our well-regarded Bachelor of Arts in Language Management and graduates of that program will be given special consideration in their applications. We anticipate high levels of interest, especially because awarding-winning journalist Robin Leach has agreed to serve as the program’s first dean.

As always, with great sincerity, Provost Pillow

Dear Willard College Faculty,

President Cotton has tasked me to host a series of Free-Form Faculty Forums where faculty can freely voice their opinions about matters concerning your professional experiences and faculty governance at Willard College. I know that I am new to Willard College and that I arrive on the heels of some difficult experiences. And at the forum I look forward to being able to tell you a little bit about me. Perhaps we can become friends and colleagues, IN THAT ORDER! When you sign up to attend the meeting your name will be placed in raffle jar. A lucky faculty person will win a parking space next to mine for two weeks!

Interim Provost Pillow

Dear President Cotton,

As you know, the Board of Trustees has asked for a thorough accounting of the hiring practices at the College, and in particular of administrators. We note with great concern that at present there are somewhere between four and five provosts currently on the payroll. All of these provosts, whose tasks are as identical as their job descriptions and titles, appear to have been fired by your office at different times over the past year. And yet, as we already noted, they continue to draw salary, have offices (sometimes right next to each other), enjoy the perks of the position, etc. Perhaps more troubling, they have engaged in  violent confrontations with each other in what appears to be a zero-sum game turf war. We believe that these episodes may explain the many fires, explosions, and reports of gunfire that have marred our otherwise tranquil campus. Where outright physical violence is not employed, they have deployed incendiary propaganda in which they have defamed one another in the most vile and slanderous terms possible. At they same time, these propaganda efforts have resorted to lavishing praise upon your person and the office of the presidency. It is not outside of the realm of the possible that you have used these conflicts and divisions to enhance your own position at Willard College by effectively dividing your immediate subordinates into warring factions. But an unanticipated consequence of this divide et impera approach is that you may have lost control over the campus, which to all appearances is now divided into warring factions. Is it correct that the campus is criss-crossed by razor wire and that students, staff, and faculty can only move from one sector to another with passbooks that must be issued by one provost and counter-stamped by the provost in the adjoining sector? Is it also true that students without proper paperwork have been detained, held against their will, and that they have only been released after their parents have paid a ransom?

How do you plan to resolve this mess?

Sincerely, The Willard College Board of Trustees

Dear Colleagues, This summer, during a brief visit to Philadelphia we came across a wonderful artist named Ildiko Nagykisnagy whose triptych “Bohóc Gyilkosság” [Clown Murder] left us captivated and enthralled. Through her translator and lover, the enigmatic performance artist who goes by the name                     , we had a long conversation about abstract expressionism, theater, urban living, and college administration. Since effective today the Provost Triumvarite has been disbanded (please be patient as we prepare an official notification and explanation), Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton and I decided to invite Ms. Ildiko Nagykisnagy to serve as Interim Provost. Because Ms. Nagykisnagy’s primary and exclusive language is Magyar (you don’t say “Hungarian” anymore!), please contact her administrative assistant and translator who goes by the name                      , to schedule an appointment. Please bear in mind that the translator has only limited Magyar so you may wish to purchase a good Magyar-English dictionary. Please keep an eye out for some upcoming emails about Workforce Reallocations from the Provost!

Best, Henry Cotton

[The following is an audio transcript of the 2015 Willard College Commencement Address. Please do not reproduce, adulterate, or tamper with this text without the written permission of Willard College. Sections where the audio is unclear will be indicated by brackets, like the one at the end of this sentence.]

Welcome to the 2015 Willard College Commencement Experience: The Address! It will be hard to live up to last year’s Commencement, but let’s try, shall we?  First, some business. If the tear gas is causing your eyes to become irritated, remember that we have bottled water for sale at the concession stands located at the rear of each seating section. [Inaudible for 45 seconds] Apparently I missed the memo about the various efforts to subvert our beautiful Commencement. There are [inaudible], who thrive on fomenting all manner of grievance and griping about [inaudible]. They’ve been in the national news, but I am disappointed to see them spoiling our beautifully renovated cam [inaudible for 16 seconds].

The last year has been a [inaudible]. Certainly, we’ve had our [inaudible]. [Inaudible] and so Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton couldn’t join us today because she is [inaudible].

I [sound of Police and Fire emergency vehicles]. Let me just add that [inaudible] wishes the Class of 2015 a [inaudible].

[Transcriber note: President Cotton, the Provost Triumvirate, the Board of Trustees, etc. are being evacuated in a Willard College Security Armored Vehicle]

[This concludes the audio transcription].

 

“Willard College is an organism having ends, life, and means of action superior to those of individuals, singly or in groups, of which it is composed. It is a moral, political, and economic unity, realized wholly in Willard College.”

Article 1:

“Work, in all its intellectual, technical, and manual forms, is a social obligation. To this end, and only to this end, it is safeguarded by the College. The totality of production is unitary from the collegiate point of view; its objectives are unitary and comprise the well-being of the producers and the development of collegiate strength.”

Article 2:

“There is freedom of professional or union organization. But only the union legally recognized by, and subject to, the control of Willard College has the right to legally represent the entire category of employers or employees by which it is constituted […]; or to stipulate collective labor contracts binding on all those belonging to the category; or to impose on them dues, or to exercise on their behalf delegate functions of public interest.”

Article 3:

“In the collective labor contract is found the concrete expression of the solidarity of the various makers of the educational product, by means of the conciliation of the opposing interests of the employers and the workers, and their subordination to the superior interests of educational production.”

Article 4:

“Legally recognized professional associations insure the legal equality between employers and workers, maintain the discipline of educational production and work, and promotes its perfection. Willard College constitutes the unitary organizations of production and integrally represent its interests […]. Willard College is recognized legally as the organ  of Willard College […].”

Article 5:

“The corporative college considers private initiative, in the field of educational production, as the most efficient and useful instrument of the College.” ^[1]

Article 6:

“The duty of employment is under control of the collegiate organs. Employers have the obligation to hire workers who are official members of the appropriate trades, and have the power to choose from the rolls of membership, giving precedence to the members of the College employee organization  according to their seniority of membership.”

Dear President Cotton, During renovations on the old Humanities building, which is being repurposed for the new Department of Administrative Science, workers uncovered a previously unknown sub-basement office area. In the space, they encountered a group of bearded men in suits and ties, and several older women with their hair in tight buns, working behind manual typewriters, surrounded by large and dusty books.  The crew was able to determine that these people are the Willard College Classics Department. Apparently, when the program was terminated ten years ago, an email was sent to the chair. She did not know that she had an email account. Not knowing better,  they continued coming to work, wrote conference papers, prepared lectures, gave classes to no one, engaged in often violent internecine departmental policy debates, factionaled, microwaved their soup, and waited.  What were they waiting for?

I seek your guidance on how to proceed.

Dr. Larry Gross, Dean of Facilities