Dear Willard College Team,

Earlier this evening, we received reports of multiple fires igniting over the course of half an hour throughout campus. At 11:05pm, President Cotton’s parking space was engulfed in a conflagration. Ten minutes later, Provost VanderGrind’s butterfly collection, housed in his office, was burned beyond recognition. Close to midnight, Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton’s vintage 1968 Mustang exploded, shattering the windows of the residence she is no longer sharing with Dr. Cotton, temporarily, while they work through some issues that are of a private matter. Local authorities have been contacted, and at present, we have no reason to believe that this is a criminal matter.

We will continue to update the Team as new information becomes available.

Sincerely,

Dean of Public Safety,

Allan Hertz

Dear Campus Communities,

Dr. President Henry Cotton gave the following brief remarks after being given the prestigious Dr. Mark Schlissel Presidential Leadership Award.

“Members of the selection committee, esteemed colleagues in the collegiate leadership leadership, leaders, thinkers, workers, Allow me to spend a moment to thank all of the little people who made this possible. former Provost Pillow, Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse Fauteil, Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil Dr. Parceque Beaucoup, Dean of Marketing, Branding, and Merchandising, Vice Provost Ralph Oxford, and the rest of my team of dedicated administrators. I have always maintained my creative authority, but you have been there every step of the way, often late into the night, as we manage the ever changing, sometimes careening, path of Willard College. If I was sometimes testy, angry that my cappuccino was cold, or the foam not stiff enough, know that I hope I did not offend you. Those were my words but not my feelings. Abusive language is never acceptable, even if it may sometimes make sense and produce good things. And speaking of feelings, special thanks to my lovely and selfless wife, and director of Student Mental Health, Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton. Remember, when they attack me, they attack both of us. We have to stand firm.”

Sub-Interim Director of Marketing and Promotion VanderHook Danish

Dear Willard College communities (plural because we are many communities, many people),

My name is Sub-Interim Director of Marketing and Promotion VanderHook Danish (pronounced like the breakfast treat!) and I am thrilled to announce Willard College’s new thing. We are currently ironing the details. Those devilish details! Right?!!! We think you’ll be excited to see the bold and cutting edge approach we are going to take, pushing the boundaries, engaging all stakeholders, changing the conversation, being the conversation, and evolving. We hope you will dig in to the work ahead of us, let your creativity be your guide, because there are not wrong answers, there are no mistakes that cannot be leveraged into triumph. Stay tuned for updates.

Optimistically, Sub-Interim Director of Marketing and Promotion VanderHook Danish

The Faculty Senate Executive Board proposed that all faculty be asked to sign a Loyalty Pledge to Willard College and its Senior Leadership. The proposal was met with a spirited discussion during the Faculty Senate plenary session. While some voiced concerns about “labor rights,” “accountability,” and a “hostile work environment,” the majority echoed the opinion of the Executive Board that such a Loyalty Pledge would ensure a smoother operation of the College. This same majority discounted the unfounded accusations of several disgruntled faculty that the presence of Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton on the Executive Board presented undue pressure on faculty to support the measure. It was noted in the minutes that Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton is both Director of the Counseling Service but is also a faculty in good standing in the Department of Experimental Psychology, whose publications on the effects of Solitary Confinement on reading skills have been well received around the world.

Loyally,

Dr. Hamstock Paine, President of the Faculty Senate Executive Board

Dear Faculty,

As part of the Willard Forever Plan, we are re-re-rebranding Willard College. As noted on page 32 of your new “Faculty Manual,” you will see that faculty are asked to included the brand logo and motto into all course materials and to incorporate said branding into all lessons plan and pedagogy. Please remember, therefore, to keep “Where Yesterday’s Tomorrow is Tomorrow’s Today” at the forefront of your class. Willard College logos MUST be on all course handouts, including syllabi. If you need assistance in thinking outside of the box, please do not hesitate to contact our office.

Sincerely,

Parceque Beaucoup, Dean of Marketing, Branding, and Merchandising

Dear Esteemed Senior Leadership Team,

Please find below our proposal to monetize the Willard College Graduation Experience. Our report is based on a close study of best practice at similar institutions as ours, including the Metropolitan Transit Authority, the Atlanta Braves, and the Brittney Spears national tours.

The area of graduation seating will be secured with a perimeter fence forty eight hours prior to the commencement of the commencement ceremony. Turnstiles will be placed at the four entry points into the graduation ceremony space. Each person entering must deposit five dollars in quarters into the turnstile to gain entry. For those who may have neglected to bring the quarters, there will be change machines places near the turnstile.

Once the family and friends are inside the perimeter, they will encounter a range of retail options on the way to their assigned seats. These include sale of the graduation program, as well as various Willard College branded products, including stadium seating cushions. Attendees may also upgrade to chairs with backs and cushions for $25 per person. Photography is forbidden during the ceremony, but family can purchase photos of their child walking across the stage for $25.

We are still planning for a number of other measures, including charging for parking, charging to release students from their dormitory and meal plan contracts, etc.

Sincerely,

Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil

Dear Separating Faculty,

In a previous memorandum, I laid out the protocol for your departure from Willard College. If the keys to your office no longer work, you have been separated. The paper work explaining your separation were left on your desk in your office. Please read the instructions carefully. As you know, we are short-staffed and your cooperation in separating in a calm and orderly fashion is most appreciated.

Below are some follow up items that have come up as issues to consider

A. If you are separating from the College and you are the last person in your department or unit, PLEASE turn off the lights and unplug the coffee machine before you leave, empty the trash, and put away any perishable food items

B. Please avoid acts of vandalism. Let’s respect our campus.

C. Due to budget constraints, the Holiday Party will be restricted to the Senior Leadership Team.

With many thanks advance for your years of service. Don’t think we won’t remember you.

Dr. President Henry Cotton

Dear President Cotton,

We just received a long and angry note from Dr. Dale Richards, a scholar of Thirteenth Century Danish poetry, a professor in the English-Writing-French-Sociology Hybrid-Department. He is threatening to quite and “take my work into the private sector.” This is a great sign that our work in making Willard a sub-par employer of choice for faculty is working. How shall we proceed?

Sincerely,

Vice Provost Ralph Oxford

Dr. Narcisse Nefasto, wanted on federal money laundering and embezzlement charges, has fled the area. She is believed to be armed and dangerous. According to Dr. Henry Cotton and Dr. Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton, she is inclined to fantastical stories about what “really happened” with the missing money. Listen calmly to her insane stories that implicate the Cottons. She is delusional. And she is a criminal.

Thank you President Cotton for naming names as we try to sort out the various improprieties that have taken place on our campus over the past year. We thank you for your tremendous courage in helping us to investigate the question surrounding missing college funds. Naturally, we suspected that the accusations against you and your wife, Dr. and Right Reverend Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton were spurious at best. Now that you have clearly indicated that Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil and Dr. Narcisse Nefasto, Provost of Non-Academics, were engaged in a nefarious plot to both destroy your good name AND to rob the college of its hard heard money, we have taken immediate action on the legal front. Both individuals will likely be in police custody soon. We feel that their ill-considered decision to flee is sufficient evidence of their culpability. It reminds us, sadly, of the case of Provost Pillow, who remains behind bars to this day for a similar crime.

Sincerely and gratefully, the Board of Trustees.