Dear Willard College Team!

Allow me to introduce myself. Hello. My name is Babs “Pickle” Spiker and I have been appointed as Vice President of Bitcoin operations. Effective tomorrow, Willard College will start what I think everyone will agree is a visionary and bold new chapter in our history. Bitcoin mining will earn the college anywhere in the ball park of -$13,500,000 to $36,000,000. I’m new to this exciting new industry, but from what I gather, it will cause a bit of a pull from our electrical grid and IT capacity. During high price moments, the campus will go dark and there will be no computer service available. We apologize that during these draw downs, there will be no warning so please remember to save anything you have on computers frequently. Each student will be provided with a candle and a small box of matches on Sunday evening. This candle is expected to last the entire week.

If none of this makes sense to you, don’t worry. Just get ready for rolling campus blackouts and for the cash to roll in!

Sincerely, and I mean it, Babs “Pickle” Spiker

In a closed session of the Board of Trustees, Dr. Henry Cotton explained that allegations against him and the Right Reverend and Sanctified Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton of racketeering and money laundering are baseless, and those who are making the allegations are motivated by pecuniary interests of the most unsavory nature. Dr. Cotton reminded the Board of Trustees of his tireless and really completely selfless work on behalf of Willard College, which through no fault of his own, has defaulted on its loans, faced withering and shrinking enrollment declines, and now approached the cliff with respect to deferred maintenance on the campus facilities. He noted that Willard College started in a deficit as the campus was created on the grounds of the former Willard Insane Asylum and at the time of the purchase, many of the buildings were already in need of work.

Dear Beloved and Cherished Campus Loved Ones,

It with a sincere humility that I share with each and everyone one of you that today I Sanctified and Anointed myself as the Right Reverend and Holy and Sanctified Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton. I can promise that in the days and months ahead you will find a different and more spiritually focused leadership from Dr. Henry Cotton and his Senior Leadership Team. To that end, we are all taking the next three weeks in Spiritual Retreat and Rebuilding. A new and brighter day is soon to come to Willard College.

With sincere blessings,

The Right Reverend and Holy and Sanctified Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton, PhD

Dear Campus Beloved Community, I wish to directly address unfounded and scurrilous rumors concerning my alleged resignation as president of Willard College. Literally nothing could be further from the truth. In point of fact, the Board of Trustees has announced my promotion to President and Senior Chief Financial Executive. In further point of fact, Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton, in recognition of her tireless work on my behalf and of the college, has been appointed as a lifetime member of the Board of Trustees.

Rumors hurt. Rumors kill. If you hear a rumor, it is your job to not just not spread the rumor, but to report it directly to me. I have recently appointed Johnny “Sparkles” Pringle as my new Chief of Internal Intelligence. His office will collect and assess all internal communications that may be occurring that we view as impinging on the operational functionality of the college.

In closing, I ain’t going no where.

Sincerely, PRESIDENT and Senior Chief Financial Executive Henry Cotton, Ph.D.

Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton and President Henry Cotton denounce in the most strong terms the false accusations against them concerning their treatment of the 15 staff who manage their Willard College presidential housing. At no time were staff asked to work without pay, outside of regular work hours, or to engage in dangerous or degrading tasks like picking through the household garbage to determine if any recycling had been accidently placed in the garbage receptacles or changing out a gas line without proper authorization from the city. They also deny the charge that staff were required to trim, buff, or paint the toe nails of either of them. They also deny verbally abusing kitchen staff after a less than fantastic dinner last weekend.

Dr. Henry Cotton offered the following benediction before the assembled joined him in a simple breakfast of mimosas, eggs benedict, an assortment of donuts and gluten free donuts, and fruit bowls.

“Dear Lord, Jesus taught us with the miracle of squeezing water from a rock that there is always a way forward. In these trying times, with enrollment down 87%, alumni giving hovering in the negative zone, and other personal issues that I face but don’t want to share right now, we pray for a series of miracles to pull both Willard College and me out of the nose dive that has been 2020. Jesus also taught us that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, so please give us that strength you promised us we’d get after a really tough year. OK, dig in everyone.”

In attendance was Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil, Provost Vandergrind, Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton, Dr. Polly Esther Pillow, Bud Hammerman, Chief Legal Counsel, Provost of Non-Academics, Dr. Narcisse Nefasto and Dr. Victor Mange, Director of Student Life Affairs, Dr. Vichy Ganache, Chief Legal Counsel, Mayor Rudy Guiliani, and other thought leaders of Willard College.

Sincerely, Dr. Narcisse Nefasto

Graduating Seniors, Please check your email for an important memo concerning 2021 Commencement. The college has embraced Juche Philosophy and commencement this year will involve mass choreography of all students, faculty, and staff who will perform an elaborate dance and celebration for the Administration and Board of Trustees. The email will include the choreography you must learn, the uniform pattern that you will need to fabricate, and design patterns for the pompoms or other accessories. Practice for commencement will begin tomorrow morning at 6am.

In Solidarity with President Cotton,

 Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil

Dr.Polly Esther Pillow, ex-wife of former Provost Pillow has published a novel based on the life of Mrs. Scatcherd, wrongly accused mean teacher in Jane Eyre.

Inspired by Mrs. Scatcherd’s love of order and the way that her character has been so oftentimes maligned, Dr. Pillow was moved to write a novel from the teacher’s point of view. As Dr. Pillow notes in the preface to the book, she was really inspired by this passage:

“On reaching the bedroom, we heard the voice of Miss Scatcherd: she was examining drawers; she had just pulled out Helen Burns’s, and when we entered Helen was greeted with a sharp reprimand, and told that to-morrow she should have half-a-dozen of untidily folded articles pinned to her shoulder. “My things were indeed in shameful disorder,” murmured Helen to me, in a low voice: “I intended to have arranged them, but I forgot.” Next morning, Miss Scatcherd wrote in conspicuous characters on a piece of pasteboard the word “Slattern,” and bound it like a phylactery round Helen’s large, mild, intelligent, and benign-looking forehead.”

Scatchered is being optioned for a film to be produced by Willard College graduate and independent film maker, Jason Spiker

Dear Mr. Spiker,

Since contracting Spiker, Spiker, and Flanagan as my personal talent and public relations firm, I have been nothing but disappointed. I find myself in a professional and personal death spiral. You get me no speaking gigs, you get none of my pathbreaking opinion pieces published, you fail to promote my legal defense against spurious charges in public media venues that could get any meaningful attention, and I have received exactly zero offers for consulting work. And sadly, because I have at this point no public profile beyond Willard College internal communications, that are occasionally read by industry leaders outside of the college, I have been unable to find another talent agency willing to take me on as a client unless I pay large upfront and non-refundable fees. And so I find myself living off of my Willard College salary, which is well above industry standards, but not at the level that I had hoped for.

As always Mr. Spiker, I ask for your discretion in this matter. Neither the College nor my wife, Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton, know that I am working with your outfit. But let’s see if we can move the old dial a bit here.

Thanks, and best regards to Mrs. Spiker.

Henry