Dear Mr. Spiker,

Since contracting Spiker, Spiker, and Flanagan as my personal talent and public relations firm, I have been nothing but disappointed. I find myself in a professional and personal death spiral. You get me no speaking gigs, you get none of my pathbreaking opinion pieces published, you fail to promote my legal defense against spurious charges in public media venues that could get any meaningful attention, and I have received exactly zero offers for consulting work. And sadly, because I have at this point no public profile beyond Willard College internal communications, that are occasionally read by industry leaders outside of the college, I have been unable to find another talent agency willing to take me on as a client unless I pay large upfront and non-refundable fees. And so I find myself living off of my Willard College salary, which is well above industry standards, but not at the level that I had hoped for.

As always Mr. Spiker, I ask for your discretion in this matter. Neither the College nor my wife, Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton, know that I am working with your outfit. But let’s see if we can move the old dial a bit here.

Thanks, and best regards to Mrs. Spiker.

Henry