Dear Willard College Administrative Team,

Around 11am yesterday, Dining Services fielded a call from a distraught student whose food order from one of our 95 campus vending machines had failed to complete. We immediately filled out the necessary paper work and quickly dispatched an Emergency Response Unit to assess the situation. As you can see from the attached photograph, a bag of chips had become trapped during the vending process. When the ERU arrived on the scene, we addressed the afflicted student, and then put in a call to the vendor. Meanwhile, we secured the perimeter to prevent other individuals from utilizing the vending machine. The vendor arrived at 12:13pm and managed to free the bag of potato chips after a brief intervention. The vending machine was then carefully assessed for technical problems. The technician determined that the machine was fully operational and vacated the premises at 1:35pm.

Dining Services would like to thank the ERU team, Provost Lying, Eufalua Cotton, Executive Administrative Secretary to Provost Lying, President Cotton, and the Board of Trustees.

Chauncy Fly, Director of Dining Services

Dear Colleagues,

Last year President Cotton and Provost Lying convened “The Working Group to Study the Feasibility of a ‘Committee Against Gossip and Slander'” on our campus. That working group was created after a previous working group, “Working Group on the Problem of Gossip and Slander” determined that gossip and slander merited a working group.

Anyway, the “Committee Against Gossip and Slander” is now seeking expressions of interest from faculty, staff, and also enthusiastic students. Basic requirements to serve include a willingness to commit to ten to fifteen hours a week, expertise or interest in learning about systems of surveillance, and above all, enthusiasm to fight against what we at Willard College believe are the two greatest dangers to our institution, Gossip. And Slander. Faculty who join will have their teaching load reduced immediately.

Please direct all inquiries to me. Successful applicants should provide three character witnesses.

Eufalua Cotton, Executive Administrative Secretary to Provost Lying

Willard College announces that Harry “Jellyroll” Jenkins has separated from employment after 19 years of loyal, selfless, and often legally perilous service. “Jellyroll” served in many key roles at the college, including adjunct professor of poetry, a public safety officer, defensive assistant coach to the football team, towel boy for the wrestling team, and most recently, as President Cotton’s personal security director. It was in that last position that “Jellyroll” performed a number of tasks that were mission critical to keeping our president, his family, and entourage, safe from a number of physical and financial threats. “Jellyroll” resolved a number issues, including several threats of extortion and lawsuits, for which President Cotton is grateful!

Good luck “Jellyroll.” We remain in your hearts as you head out, silently, into your next role.

Provost Lying

Dear Wider Willard World,

After a late Sunday night meeting , the Board of Trustees made a monumental decision. Henceforth, Willard College will be America’s, and perhaps the world’s, first SEVEN YEAR COLLEGE. Thanks to our unique blend of micro-crediting systems, a unique on campus experience, the elimination of formal majors and departments, and a unique financial model, Willard College is ready to take the plunge into what will undoubtedly be the future of higher education.

More soon, President Cotton and Provost Lying

Dear Willard Faculty and Staff,

As we move into 2024, I wanted to share some exciting new developments from Human Resources.

The new Faculty and Staff Lounge is now open. The lounge features comfortable seating and ample space for formal or informal gatherings. Because of the lounge’s unique design features, smoking and consumption of alcohol will be allowed.

We are still working on restoring the dental insurance.

Sincerely, Dr. Inga Hoots, VP of Human Resources

Dear Campus Professionals,

Provost Lying and I are excited, and I don’t use that word lightly, to announce the new recruitment campaign for the year. We think “Be Differently” promises to draw a whole new generation of young learners to Willard College. Market research showed that people found the phrase “surprising,” “different,” and on target with the Willard College brand and reputational trajectory!

Be Differently. Be Willard.

Provost Lying and Gene Cartel, Director of Marketing and Promotion

Dear Community, Are you feeling stressed, decentered, off-center, unmoored, or discombobulated? Please join Provost Lying for a workshop on Centering. Centering can help us to defocus from negative work experiences, like the environment, the pay, etc.

Dearest Beloved Campus,

We received wonderful news from Dr. Jimmy Clyde, Chair of the Department of Geographology. Over the weekend, while hiking in New Hampshire, Dr. Clyde and his wife, Bonnie, discovered a mountain. He immediately erected a post and affixed a sign to said post and named the protuberance Mt. Willard after his much loved academic home.

While we thank Dr. Clyde for his generous spirit and loyalty, sadly we must also share that Dr. Clyde’s time at Willard has drawn to a close. As our new provost, Dr. Jason “Jack” Lying has reminded us, sunsetting programs is necessary to the larger mission of Willard College.

Dr. Clyde is a pioneer in the field of geographology. One might say that he invented the field.

Thank you Dr. Clyde. And good bye Dr. Clyde.

Sincerely, President Cotton