Dear Senior Administration Team,

We just got a cease and desist order and a law suit from someone named “Blinky Palermo.” Does anyone know who this person is, why they are suing us, if they ever worked at Willard College, what the conflict with Willard might be, and if they would be willing to sit down and negotiate. Do we know if their real name is “Blinky?” Willard College needs another law suit like we need a hole in our head. We had our lowest number of applying students in two decades this year. Our endowment is now at -$409,834.56. That is, the endowment owes the fund managers. Several dorms have been shuttered. Faculty are going on wild cat strike next semester unless they get paid. Students are apparently organizing their own strike. So, let me repeat. Who is Blinky Palermo and how can we stop this person from hammering one more nail in our coffin?

Secretly,

President Cotton