Dear Campus Beloved Community, I wish to directly address unfounded and scurrilous rumors concerning my alleged resignation as president of Willard College. Literally nothing could be further from the truth. In point of fact, the Board of Trustees has announced my promotion to President and Senior Chief Financial Executive. In further point of fact, Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton, in recognition of her tireless work on my behalf and of the college, has been appointed as a lifetime member of the Board of Trustees.

Rumors hurt. Rumors kill. If you hear a rumor, it is your job to not just not spread the rumor, but to report it directly to me. I have recently appointed Johnny “Sparkles” Pringle as my new Chief of Internal Intelligence. His office will collect and assess all internal communications that may be occurring that we view as impinging on the operational functionality of the college.

In closing, I ain’t going no where.

Sincerely, PRESIDENT and Senior Chief Financial Executive Henry Cotton, Ph.D.

Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton and President Henry Cotton denounce in the most strong terms the false accusations against them concerning their treatment of the 15 staff who manage their Willard College presidential housing. At no time were staff asked to work without pay, outside of regular work hours, or to engage in dangerous or degrading tasks like picking through the household garbage to determine if any recycling had been accidently placed in the garbage receptacles or changing out a gas line without proper authorization from the city. They also deny the charge that staff were required to trim, buff, or paint the toe nails of either of them. They also deny verbally abusing kitchen staff after a less than fantastic dinner last weekend.

Dr. Henry Cotton offered the following benediction before the assembled joined him in a simple breakfast of mimosas, eggs benedict, an assortment of donuts and gluten free donuts, and fruit bowls.

“Dear Lord, Jesus taught us with the miracle of squeezing water from a rock that there is always a way forward. In these trying times, with enrollment down 87%, alumni giving hovering in the negative zone, and other personal issues that I face but don’t want to share right now, we pray for a series of miracles to pull both Willard College and me out of the nose dive that has been 2020. Jesus also taught us that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, so please give us that strength you promised us we’d get after a really tough year. OK, dig in everyone.”

In attendance was Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil, Provost Vandergrind, Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton, Dr. Polly Esther Pillow, Bud Hammerman, Chief Legal Counsel, Provost of Non-Academics, Dr. Narcisse Nefasto and Dr. Victor Mange, Director of Student Life Affairs, Dr. Vichy Ganache, Chief Legal Counsel, Mayor Rudy Guiliani, and other thought leaders of Willard College.

Sincerely, Dr. Narcisse Nefasto

Graduating Seniors, Please check your email for an important memo concerning 2021 Commencement. The college has embraced Juche Philosophy and commencement this year will involve mass choreography of all students, faculty, and staff who will perform an elaborate dance and celebration for the Administration and Board of Trustees. The email will include the choreography you must learn, the uniform pattern that you will need to fabricate, and design patterns for the pompoms or other accessories. Practice for commencement will begin tomorrow morning at 6am.

In Solidarity with President Cotton,

 Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil

Dr.Polly Esther Pillow, ex-wife of former Provost Pillow has published a novel based on the life of Mrs. Scatcherd, wrongly accused mean teacher in Jane Eyre.

Inspired by Mrs. Scatcherd’s love of order and the way that her character has been so oftentimes maligned, Dr. Pillow was moved to write a novel from the teacher’s point of view. As Dr. Pillow notes in the preface to the book, she was really inspired by this passage:

“On reaching the bedroom, we heard the voice of Miss Scatcherd: she was examining drawers; she had just pulled out Helen Burns’s, and when we entered Helen was greeted with a sharp reprimand, and told that to-morrow she should have half-a-dozen of untidily folded articles pinned to her shoulder. “My things were indeed in shameful disorder,” murmured Helen to me, in a low voice: “I intended to have arranged them, but I forgot.” Next morning, Miss Scatcherd wrote in conspicuous characters on a piece of pasteboard the word “Slattern,” and bound it like a phylactery round Helen’s large, mild, intelligent, and benign-looking forehead.”

Scatchered is being optioned for a film to be produced by Willard College graduate and independent film maker, Jason Spiker

Dear Mr. Spiker,

Since contracting Spiker, Spiker, and Flanagan as my personal talent and public relations firm, I have been nothing but disappointed. I find myself in a professional and personal death spiral. You get me no speaking gigs, you get none of my pathbreaking opinion pieces published, you fail to promote my legal defense against spurious charges in public media venues that could get any meaningful attention, and I have received exactly zero offers for consulting work. And sadly, because I have at this point no public profile beyond Willard College internal communications, that are occasionally read by industry leaders outside of the college, I have been unable to find another talent agency willing to take me on as a client unless I pay large upfront and non-refundable fees. And so I find myself living off of my Willard College salary, which is well above industry standards, but not at the level that I had hoped for.

As always Mr. Spiker, I ask for your discretion in this matter. Neither the College nor my wife, Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton, know that I am working with your outfit. But let’s see if we can move the old dial a bit here.

Thanks, and best regards to Mrs. Spiker.

Henry

Dear Campus Community, During the last month, President Henry Cotton and his wife and Director of Mental Health Services, Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton, have been subjected to a scurrilous and unfounded series of lies concerning their work and financial interests. We will be addressing each of the 46 accusations in a subsequent communique. Please hold the Cottons in your prayers during these trying times.

Sincerely, Bud Hammerman, Chief Legal Counsel

We apologize to everyone who spent time looking for Dr. Mange’s keys. The announcement should have read “Dr. Victor Mange Has Lost his Mind.” Furthermore, Dr. Mange is armed and considered quite dangerous. Should you encounter him, please call Public Safety. Apologies for any miscommunication.

Thanks, Provost of Non-Academics, Dr. Narcisse Nefasto

Can everyone on campus take a few moments to see if you can locate Dr. Mange’s lost car keys? Thanks. Let’s try to be a community that helps Dr. Mange get home.

Professor Dunce “Dutch” Ganache with support from Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil