Dear All, Quick follow up. We have been informed by State Regulators, that our plan for the college’s eventual, but not inevitable, collapse (or sinking as I used a nautical reference) requires that a full time person continue to be employed by the Registrar’s Office to mail out Willard College degrees and transcripts until the last Willard College graduate has ceased to be.
We are looking for recommendations of a single dedicated employee who is willing to be left behind.
As we ponder the multiple threats now emerging to continued survival of Willard College, those being 1)the demographic cliff, 2) the possible elimination of the Department of Education and with it all those sweet supports to higher ed, 3) the skyrocketing cost of room, board, and tuition and 4) the cratering of our endowment, it is incumbent upon any responsible leadership team, to develop a worst case scenario plan. What follows is such a plan. This is to remain confidential. Please share with no one.
“There are only so many lifeboats: A Plan for Staff and Faculty Reduction to Align Declining Budget with Continued College Operations”
What follows is a synopsis and key points. This is the order in which employment terminations will take place.
Faculty in Humanities and Arts (those who are left) will be asked to quickly and quietly vacate their offices, dropping of their keys and laptops, with security at the West Entrance
All Student Services Staff, including Dining Hall employees will remove themselves at the earliest moment possible, and do so in a manner as unobtrusive as humanly possible.
Maintenance staff, except those responsible for maintaining the power grid, should not report to work upon receiving their notice of termination and thanks for their service to the college
Bursar and other financial staff will self-remove as their names are called. At President Cotton’s discretion, those staff with special expertise in bookkeeping practices unique to our institution, will be kindly asked to carry on under the direct and discrete direction of said President Cotton
The service of provosts, associate provosts, deans, associate deans, assistant deans, and their staff will no longer be necessary.
Director of Public Safety will turn out the lights on his way out.
Athletic staff will hold a last practice.
President Cotton shall remain in his office, in the dark, waiting for bank officials and law enforcement to remove him, by force.
This list is not comprehensive. President Cotton reserves the right, with the coordination of the Board of Trustees, to remove people from the above this, or to add people to the list.
As Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton and I look back on the semester, with the Thanksgiving holiday around the corner, we are filled with gratitude and humility for everything we have achieved. Let’s review some of my accomplishments. In September, I was the Keynote Speaker at the Regional Conference of College Presidents of Colleges. The RCCPC’s membership is restricted to presidents of colleges. I shared my big picture, data-informed, but not data-driven, path to success. In October, we attended a number of gala events, some of which featured me as a keynote speaker. I’m sharing the Willard story far and wide. Late October, I went on a fact-finding mission to visit college campuses in Florida and the Bahamas.
Willard College has a bright future. With a renewed commitment to a strong, plentiful, and nimble administrative apparatus we can literally go no where but up!
Dr. Larry Shames recently opened a box of cookies only to discover that it contained not 10 cookies and not 12 cookies, but 11 cookies. Troubled by this odd situation, Dr. Shames is searching for the missing cookie. If you have seen this cookie, please contact public safety. If you find this news disturbing, the Counseling Center has extra staff on duty.
Thanks, Eufalua Cotton, Executive Administrative Secretary to Provost Lying, Gary Chorizo, General Counsel-interim and Glendale Poulet, Director of Public Safety
Dear Campus Community, Late last week, Dr. Larry Shames, Biology, found a half-used deodorant and is trying to locate its owner. The attached photograph shows the deodorant and the location where Dr. Shames discovered it. In the interest of reuniting the deodorant with its owner, Dr. Shames has canceled classes and office hours, and has making a point to visit every single faculty, staff, and student. While we applaud Dr. Shames’ tireless, relentless perhaps, efforts, we feel that our social media might be of service so that Dr. Shames can return to his regular duties.
When not chasing down the owner of deodorant, Dr. Shames works in the field of cryptozoology. During his storied career at Willard College, Dr. Shames has (self) published papers that prove the existence of the Loch Ness Monster and other hitherto poorly understood fauna.
Thanks,
Eufalua Cotton, Executive Administrative Secretary to Provost Lying, Gary Chorizo, General Counsel-interim and Glendale Poulet, Director of Public Safety
Please be aware that we are facing a Clown Infestation. If you see a clown, don’t panic. Contact public safety as soon as possible. We are trying to figure out where the clowns are coming from, if someone has sent them to our campus, and if so, why. Remember, if you see a clown, do not approach it. Do not look directly at them. If they are covered in what appears to be blood, remember that most clowns are not always homicidal.
During a recent meeting, that was calm except when punctuated by screaming and crying, President Cotton laid out his vision for the next several months of our precious college. As Dr. Cotton observed, “We will not be doing another round of layoffs, unless we do. If we do, please disregard the first half of the first sentence. If we don’t, please disregard the second sentence but remember that the second half of the first sentence may still be relevant should the facts of the second sentence prove otherwise.” Several faculty fainted during the meeting. At the close of the event, Dr. DeGrosse and Dr. Petigrew began screaming at each other. Despite having issued restraining orders against each other, they somehow managed to both end up at the same meeting. The argument concerned a dirty bowl that had been left in the department’s sink last week. Both professors were detained by Campus Security.
Gary Chorizo, General Counsel-interim and Glendale Poulet, Director of Public Safety
Dear Willard Community, After a tumultuous year at the helm of the Office of Onboarding, Milton Bloor has “left the floor.” He has moved on. Bloor brought old fashioned values to the campus. He reinstituted flogging, gruel, dunce caps, staying after class to clean erasers, and other practices that perhaps merit serious consideration. No one who crossed paths with Bloor will forget his jolly sense of humor, the back slapping, and the offer to smoke a stogie with him. Good luck Mr. Bloor!
Dr. Lester Pedigrew has been detained after he assaulted Dr. Lionel DeGrosse with a computer keyboard. DeGrosse sustained laceration wounds. The conflict erupted after DeGrosse requested, and received permission, to switch classrooms with Pedigrew. Pedrigrew’s course, “Sanitation Works in American Literature” has failed to enroll more than one or two students over the past three decades. DeGrosse’s “Sex, Sex, and Sex in American Film” rarely has an empty seat.
Pedigrew’s other courses, including “Hungarian Poets in America, 1850-1890” and “Footnotes in French Literary Criticism: A Reevaluation” have rarely had enough students to run.
DeGrosse and Pedigrew’s feud dates back to 1999 when DeGrosse courted and then married Pedigrew’s then-wife, Sally Pedigrew. Pedigrew then remarried Nancy DeBeers, of the South African diamond family. DeGrosse then courted and married DeBeers, and then divorced Sally. DeGrosse was charged with bigamy but the state dropped the case. Pedigrew has attempted to burn down DeGrosse’s home, placed bombs in the undercarriage of his cars, paid waiters to put glass in his food, etc. DeBeers divorced DeGrosse in 2014 and sued him for any money or other valuables that may have accrued to him during their short and by all accounts unhappy marriage. DeGrosse has to date failed to remarry.
Until today’s assault, Pedigrew has evaded arrest.
As President Cotton reminded us, “I expect us all to get along. Fighting and feuding detract from the college’s core mission of fund-raising.”
Gary Chorizo, General Counsel-interim and Glendale Poulet, Director of Public Safety
Willard College 