Dear Willard College supporters (both moral and financial). A reader from Delhi, New York, writes with an interesting question:
“My spouse and I have been arguing whether Willard is pronounced with the emphasis on the first or last syllable. I say it should be the second syllable, as in willARD or willAHD. WILLard just sounds so common, and I believe that the college would advance in the rankings if it were willARD. Your thoughts, please?”
Dear Arguing Spouses,
First, don’t argue. Willard College is about the love. But you are discussing an important question. The Board of Trustees has grappled with this question and at present has reached no clear decision. Many, including Dr. President Henry Cotton and his radiant and brilliant wife Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton agree. Your letter was shared with the Cottons and they will raise the issue at the next Board meeting. In closing, would you consider joining the Million Dollar Club? For a $1000 donation per week, you get unlimited access to the Willard College Golf Club and a lunch on us with the Cottons at their newly built and delicately appointed lake home.
During these times of financial duress, Willard College is pleased to announce an update to your Dental Insurance coverage. Effective today, we have streamlined availability and in-network provider offerings to a single practice, that of Dr. Christian Szell. Dr. Szell is well-known to our community, having practiced dentistry at Willard prior to its conversion to an institution of higher education. Patients have reported him to have an excellent record of patient satisfaction and no complaints or filings with the state dentistry board. Please follow us for an update from Human Resources professionals regarding the coverage allowed.
Please join me in welcoming Gloria “Lulu” Shambles who has joined Willard College to serve as Special Assistant for Conference and Events Services. Ms. Shambles has an impressive resume, including working at the Anna Delvey Foundation, Mar-a-Lago, and Yale University. She brings passion, experience, and exacting taste to our campus. As she notes about her plans for Willard College’s spring events, “When you are in you are in. You know you are special.”
In our recent announcement about the new team that is working to rebrand and repurpose Willard College, I left out one of our key team players. Let me introduce you to Medusa Rafft, who will be heading up the study of main crisis areas of the campus. Ms. Rafft worked for several years with the Cruise Lines International Association, patching up some holes in their image after several high profile problems developed during the first year of the COVID pandemic!
As the new director of Marketing and Promotion, first allow me to thank Dr. VanderHook Danish for his years of service as Assistant Director. We are currently reassessing his work history and utility. Meanwhile, allow me to introduce the team that will be guiding the rebrand and repurposing of Willard College. Please make sure to welcome them when you see them around campus. They have been carte blanche to enter your classrooms, offices, and other work and leisure spaces with full authority to record (visually and auditorily) as they deem necessary to complete the mission.
Andrea Doria, Titanika Berg, Edmund Fitzgerald, Felicity Ace, Gene Grafspee, and Achille Lauro will right the course of Willard College and guide us through the difficult waters that are higher education in 2022.
Our first task is a 360 review of faculty. We see faculty as the weak link in the functioning of the college. They have not pulled their weight and do not understand their vital functioning as marketeers of the institution. They have served to suppress the college’s brand and diminished overall outward facing positivies. We need to all pull together to get the boat moving in the right direction.
Buckle up, pack some snacks, and find your life jacket because it is going to be quite a ride.
Dear Willard College Communities (plural because we are one, we are many, and we are one),
We are excited to announce that Dr. Lusitania Glüm, PhD, will be starting work with us next week as the new Director of Marketing and Promotion. Dr. Glüm brings to our campus over two decades of experience working with a diverse set of institutions. She was instrumental in rebranding Blackwater after they experienced some image disequilibrium. Dr. Glüm has since brought her passion and artistry to the government of Honduras, The Weinstein Company, The Trump Organization, Roger Stone, and Luckin Coffee. Dr. Glüm will be meeting with key stakeholders as we look to redirect our public facing towards new opportunities and narratives. As Dr. Glüm shared during her conversation with Dr. Cotton last week, “I’m a narrative creator. I’m an opportunity-searcher. I’m committed. I commit to my commitment. My here is you.”
Let’s all remember that it is time to “Doing Better.”
Sub-Interim Director of Marketing and Promotion VanderHook Danish
As the facilitator of the faculty-led, faculty-initiated, and faculty-inspired “Doing Better” Workshop, I was just a little disappointed by our low turn out. We all agree that work conditions at Willard College are less than ideal, that the recent pay cuts and increase in teaching load is a bit demoralizing, the termination of the English department’s senior and mid-career faculty was less than ideal, etc. but let’s remember that the college is in a tough situation. We must continue to support the administration. I for one, prefer blind faith over excessive criticism. The latter poor attitude was recently on full display during the last faculty senate meeting. Further ado, let’s remember the immense sacrifice of President Cotton who has moved into a smaller house during his current separation from his wife, Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton. That cannot be easy.
Let’s try to do better by “Doing Better.” Next week’s session will include free sandwiches to the first ten arrivals. If you have a peanut allergy, we may not be able to accommodate at this late hour.
Dr. Hank Lyme, President of the Willard College Faculty Senate
Earlier this evening, we received reports of multiple fires igniting over the course of half an hour throughout campus. At 11:05pm, President Cotton’s parking space was engulfed in a conflagration. Ten minutes later, Provost VanderGrind’s butterfly collection, housed in his office, was burned beyond recognition. Close to midnight, Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton’s vintage 1968 Mustang exploded, shattering the windows of the residence she is no longer sharing with Dr. Cotton, temporarily, while they work through some issues that are of a private matter. Local authorities have been contacted, and at present, we have no reason to believe that this is a criminal matter.
We will continue to update the Team as new information becomes available.
Dr. President Henry Cotton gave the following brief remarks after being given the prestigious Dr. Mark Schlissel Presidential Leadership Award.
“Members of the selection committee, esteemed colleagues in the collegiate leadership leadership, leaders, thinkers, workers, Allow me to spend a moment to thank all of the little people who made this possible. former Provost Pillow, Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse Fauteil, Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil Dr. Parceque Beaucoup, Dean of Marketing, Branding, and Merchandising, Vice Provost Ralph Oxford, and the rest of my team of dedicated administrators. I have always maintained my creative authority, but you have been there every step of the way, often late into the night, as we manage the ever changing, sometimes careening, path of Willard College. If I was sometimes testy, angry that my cappuccino was cold, or the foam not stiff enough, know that I hope I did not offend you. Those were my words but not my feelings. Abusive language is never acceptable, even if it may sometimes make sense and produce good things. And speaking of feelings, special thanks to my lovely and selfless wife, and director of Student Mental Health, Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton. Remember, when they attack me, they attack both of us. We have to stand firm.”
Sub-Interim Director of Marketing and Promotion VanderHook Danish