Dear Faculty,

Several questions have arisen since sending out the notice regarding Podules. Below are your questions and my answers!

Question: What the [deleted] are these [deleted deleted] podules?

Answer: Podules are a more efficient, clean, and best-practice way to organize learning.

Question: How will chairs of departments fit into the new Podule system?

Answer: In the reduntification of departments, we have also reduntified chairs.

How will the Podule system deal with prerequisites? For example, how exactly would we determine who is eligible for advanced seminars in biology?

Answer: Prerequisites will be integrated into the podule system as it becomes fully operationalized.

Thank you, Provost Confabuloso

Dear Willard College Faculty,

As discussed at the last Faculty Senate meeting, the College, in collaboration with faculty, has made final determination of the outline of the summer reorientation program. Please plan on reviewing and revising any summer research, travel, vacation, or surgery, as the reorientation will be somewhat time consuming. So, what is the Summer Reorientation?

Based on focus group data from faculty, Willard College will immediately dissolve all academic departments. This is following best practices as recently laid out by Plymouth State College. Instead of departments, those very nineteenth century hold outs, faculty shall organize into PODULES. There will be six podules that faculty may join:  Investigation, Curiosity, Confusion, Choice, Insight, and Living. Incoming Willard College freshman will select their Podule during summer orientation. During their time at Willard, they may change their podule as often as they please. The only department to which this new program DOES NOT apply is the Department of Foreign Modern Languages as they had already anticipated this change and presently operate as a mobile podule.

Once again, Gingrich and Associates was invaluable in making the reorientation happen. Also, although he is no longer with us, we wish to extend deep gratitude to former provost Pillow, whose dedication to laying the groundwork for this project was critical. We wish him well in his current situation.

Sincerely, Provost Confabuloso

Dear Willard Community,

It is with no small amount relief that I announce that after an exhaustive internal audit of President’s Special Funds, we determined that large sums of cash were missing. I appointed my Vice President for Media Relations and Internal Affairs Claude Confabuloso, to look further into the matter. Vice President Confabuloso came to the determination that the funds had been illegally removed over the course of over three years by Provost Pillow. The Sylvester County Sheriffs’ Office was notified and after reviewing the documentation collected by Vice President Confabuloso, took Provost Pillow into custody. He has been charged with felonious embezzlement and faces up t0 ten years in federal prison. While at present, we are not at liberty to discuss the exact amount stolen, how Provost Pillow accessed the President’s Special Funds, or what personal factors may have driven someone whose almost year of service at Willard College has been otherwise unimpeachable, I can say that we are busy creating a slate of promising individuals who will be considered to temporarily serve as provost until a time when we can offer the position to a qualified candidate. I also wish to convey my deep gratitude to Vice President Confabuloso, whose investigative skills allowed law enforcement to act decisively.

With relief that our Willard community can move forward from this situation,

President Cotton

Dear Prospective College-attendees,

What if you don’t get in anywhere? How will you feel in mid-April as your friends gather around to compare admissions letters and aid packages and sports scholarships? How will that feel? Will it feel as bad as when your 11th grade prom date ditched you mid-way through that slow dance? Will it be somewhat like when your parents announced they were getting divorced and they were going to marry your best friend’s parents, who were also getting divorced?

There is a better way to go to College. It is the Willard Way. And we are here to help you feel better.

Give us a call or drop by.

Sincerely,

Provost Pillow

Dear Provost Pillow,

As we think about cost-cutting at Willard College in light of the tidal wave of law suits that former General Counsel Hector Nancy has tossed at us, my gaze has turned towards the Admissions Office. Can you think of any reason that their work couldn’t be handle by a part-time temp? Or perhaps an enterprising business or marketing student who is interested in learning how to determine people’s income and assets? How quickly can the staff be let go and the office’s equipment sold off? Is a week too quick a timetable? Also, can you dig up that proposal from a few years ago about getting students to earn credit for hauling out their own trash?

We are at a critical juncture at this institution so we don’t need one good idea but rather dozens of mediocre and even bad ideas. I’m done with trying to find “the” idea. Let’s just do anything that crosses our mind. It has to work. It has to.

President Henry Cotton

Dear President Cotton,

The news that former general counsel Hector Nancy initiated a massive law suit against his  former employer on behalf of over a dozen different plaintiff groups, literally minutes after signing the paperwork on his retirement and post-employment package leaves us utterly speechless. Based on what we see in the law suit, Nancy spent his entire career filing away every piece of dirt he could find about Willard College, including items where he was acting on our behalf. This is the largest set of class action suits ever directed at a college. These law suits include violations of the Americans with Disabilities Act, Title IX, the Comprehensive Environmental Response, Compensation, and Liability Act (Superfund), the Federal Anti-Kickback Law and Regulatory Safe Harbors regulations, and the Money Laundering Control Act of 1986 (Public Law 99-570), to name just a few of the laws in question. In last few years, Nancy devoted most of his time to  organizing plaintiffs and used his own office and work-time to meet with individuals and groups, and to run focus groups in anticipation of this post-retirement law suit.

Cotton, you and Provost Pillow need to fix this and fix it quickly. He cannot be serious. This is just a set up and at this point, our best option is to pay him off. Do what you need to do.

The Board of Trustees

Dear President Cotton,

Thank you for your kind note. Yes, I do agree that it is not the place for a provost to issue a statement concerning his, or her, provostal philosophy. And along those lines, I stepped across a line, albeit an invisible line, by implying that a provost would have a paternal relationship with his, or her, faculty, as such a relationship is reserved exclusively to that of a president. I think I would agree that the role of a provost is really as a servant, or handmaid, to not just the president, but to his, or her, will, be that will clearly known, or only divined through his, or her, force of personality and charisma. Finally, I would wholeheartedly agree that the recent case of Mount St. Mary’s College, where the President exercised his presidential authority to prune an excessively defiant provost from the administrative structure, is indeed an inspiring story.

You have brilliantly clarified the structure, nature, and essence of our working relationship in a way that has really be most helpful as I adjust to this new position. I look forward to our recently un-cancelled Monday morning meeting.

Sincerely, and with gratitude,

Provost Pillow

Dear Beloved Faculty,

I know that the past year has been a difficult one, with several provosts arriving and leaving and even a brief period of having three provosts at the same time. Faculty at Willard College are like children whose Momma takes up with a new man every month. After a while, the children don’t know who to call “Daddy” any more. I hope that in the months to come, you will all come understand that I’m for real, I’m not going anywhere (I just bought a house and my wife Kathy is already volunteering at the Sylvester County Unified School District where our children are enrolled), and when you are ready and comfortable, you can call me “Daddy” and know it means something.

So, now that you know a bit more about me, you must be wondering: How is Provost Pillow going to work with, and to, faculty. I really base my provostal philosophy on one word: EQUITY. I don’t make distinctions based on anything. You are all the same to me, just like my own kids. I promise.

As we move forward, please feel free to contact me and we can arrange one-on-one or small group meetings. I want to hear from you.

Sincerely,

Provost Pillow