Dear Senior Leadership Team, Has anyone seen this individual on campus. He goes by Frank “Blinky” Palermo and may in fact be the person we are looking for. He supposedly died in 1996, but anyway, if you see this man, please let me know. No need to get the police involved. I may need a small cash advance.

Quietly,

Henry Cotton

Dear Senior Administration Team,

We just got a cease and desist order and a law suit from someone named “Blinky Palermo.” Does anyone know who this person is, why they are suing us, if they ever worked at Willard College, what the conflict with Willard might be, and if they would be willing to sit down and negotiate. Do we know if their real name is “Blinky?” Willard College needs another law suit like we need a hole in our head. We had our lowest number of applying students in two decades this year. Our endowment is now at -$409,834.56. That is, the endowment owes the fund managers. Several dorms have been shuttered. Faculty are going on wild cat strike next semester unless they get paid. Students are apparently organizing their own strike. So, let me repeat. Who is Blinky Palermo and how can we stop this person from hammering one more nail in our coffin?

Secretly,

President Cotton

The season is upon us. The boughs of mistletoe, the fragrance of pine. As you may have heard, Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton and I have been temporarily separated now for a few months. She’s in Costa Rica trying to sort things out. Yoga, surfing, and four hour long massages. Meanwhile, I’m here, working up a list of leadership readings to get me back into the leadership head space.

See everyone back in January.

Dr. Henry Cotton

I didn’t slave away at the Health Center for 63 years to be tossed to the curb. The previous news about my resignation is a LIE. I’ve locked myself into my office and until they cut off the power I will continue to defend my reputation and job from that bastard Dr. Henry Co………………..

Dear Faculty and Staff,

Effective this morning, Dr. Faux resigned as director of the Willard College Health Center. Dr. Faux has been with Willard College for 63 years, since we were a psychiatric hospital and so we see in his resignation that last bridge to the past departing. Dr. Faux’s pioneering work in leucotomy raised his profile nationally. Dr. Faux was successful in cutting costs and helping students to not seek out unnecessary and unnecessarily costly medical interventions. Dr. Faux was also the sole medical staff at our Health Center so please direct students to the Sylvester County Hospital for any life-threatening or routine medical concerns.

Thanks again Dr. Faux!

Love, Dr. Henry Cotton

Willard College excitedly welcomes our new Provost of Students. In his spare time, Provost of Students collects  nineteenth-century dental instruments, manages his four passports, each with a different name and nationality, and visits laundromats, nail salons, and car washes.

Dear Faculty, A gentle reminder to look at Dr. Cotton’s memorandum regarding Pepper McGhee, a senior football athlete student player and the son of Daisy and Wilsson McGhee (Willard College ’86) is not getting anything below an A- this semester. This message has been approved by Dr. Cotton.

Sincerely,

The Department of Athletics and Alumni Affiars

Dear Faculty, The English Department has been suspended pending a report on the cause of a late-night fire that consumed their facilities. If you have any leads to as which English faculty member started the fire, please contact me at esoved@willard.edu

Sincerely, Dean of Faculty Provosts, Elizabeth Soved, PhD