The Department of Education, the second oldest academic department at Willard College, expresses it deep regret for failing to more quickly support President Cotton and Dr. Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton during their forced and regrettable absence from campus. Our failure to recognize your critical leadership skills resulted from certain deviations within the program. To correct these problems, we are conducting a year-long self study and self-critique. We feel that our deep knowledge and expertise in Theoretical Pedagogies will allow us to quickly attain  elevated Praxis.

The Department of Psychology is the oldest academic department at Willard College. We date back to the foundation of the Willard Asylum and successfully transitioned from the Department of Mental Pathology and the Work Therapy Clinic when the hospital became a college. And so it is with great pride and joy that we announce our undying loyalty to the recently reinstated President Cotton. We reject the calumny and lies that have been spread about our beloved president who, through no fault of his own, was detained by the police of Costa del Tuyú along with his wife Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton (who was recently granted tenure in abstentia and will be running our Marriage Counseling Program). We note that at the time of their detention, imprisonment, and confinement to a psychiatric clinic, there were grave concerns about the legal procedures that took place, the the Cottons were without counsel, that certain court documents were not in English (due to the commission of the alleged crime occurring in Argentina). We also reject the allegation that in hiring Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton to our department we have in any way participated in, or been influenced by, any effort to curry favor with the now restored president. Finally, we thank the Board of Trustees for making the wise decision to rehire President Cotton. During his absence, the College has witnessed increasing insubordination from faculty and a general deterioration of morale. Likewise, during Cotton’s absence, many important initiatives have stalled out. Willard College needs President Cotton because President Cotton is Willard College. Without both together, there is nothing.

Sincerely,

Professor Frank Metrazol, PhD

The Commencement Planning Committee has shared with the Board of Trustees a list of recommendations to help us avoid the problems from last year’s commencement. You’ll recall that at last year’s commencement, which lasted 13 hour and 43 minutes, 3 people died from heart attacks, two babies were born, 89 people were hospitalized for drug overdoses, alcohol poisoning, dehydration, and food poisoning, and 4 guests walked away from the event and were never seen again. We recommend:

1. Commencement should not last more than five hours.
2. All Commencement speeches should be in English.
3. Bathrooms on campus should remain open and accessible.
4. Campus Riot Police and SWAT team should be on stand-by but should not actively patrol during Commencement.
5. All speakers should be required to be sober.

Thank you,

Commencement Planning Committee

We are thrilled to announce that Willard College’s Department of Physics has received a $500,000.00 grant to study the Flat Earth Thesis. Until recently, most scientists blindly accepted the hypothesis that the earth was a sphere, or as some call it, “round.” 99.99% certainty by scientists leaves a lot of room for doubt and critical inquiry.

Effective immediately, the Parking Policy Sub-Committee of the All-College Academic Affairs Committee has been dissolved, its members censured, and their parking passes, or in the case of the “Fee Parkers” not, have been revoked. During last Thursday’s Noon hour meeting, a melee broke out between the “Free Parkers” and the “Fee Parkers” as to whether or not parking on campus should be free or not. Several of the participants are still either hospitalized or in police custody. We will update the campus community as appropriate information becomes available.

The Willard College Republicans, the Willard College Young Americans for Freedom, and the Willard College chapter of Stormfront are pleased to announce a visit by Larry Pratt, Executive Director of Gun Owners of America.

The Willard College Bullfight Club, the oldest campus organization , was founded by our late Associate Provost for Athletic Affairs, whose love for the sport was only surpassed by his devotion to staging elaborate war games with the men’s sports teams each spring. Both bullfighting and his war games are remembered fondly by those surviving students. Sadly, the Bullfighting Club has received negative fake media attention in the last week after a bull escaped. Until further notice, the Bullfight Club has been suspended

President-temporary Dr. Gauleiter