Dear Students, Staff, and Faculty,

Willard College is proud to announce that world-renowned and pioneering investigative journalist Robin Leach has accepted the position of Dean of the School of Communications, Journalism, and Marketing. The English-accented television and news reporter changed television forever with his hard hitting “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous,” which first aired in 1984.

We welcome Dr. Leach to our learning community!

Best, President Henry Cotton

Dear Campus Community, It is with a heavy heart that I announce the departure of the invaluable Provost Gauleiter who has accepted the presidency of Sylvester University. A tireless advocate for the restructuring of our administrative apparatus and the efficiencizing of our teaching functionalities, her tenure here has witnessed massive growth in key sectors of the Willard College operation.

We consider ourselves fortunate, however, that Provost Gauleiter’s consulting firm, Gauleiter, Gauleiter, and Sons, has agreed to guide us in the arduous process of identifying a suitable replacement. If anyone who can find an efficient and loyal replacement for Gauleiter, it is Gauleiter, Gauleiter, and Sons.

Best, President Henry Cotton

Dear President Cotton,
The Office of Public Safety is currently dealing with active fires at the following locations: your office, your parking space, the Athletics Center, Financial Aid, all of the cafeterias, the FlexFax Offices, Provost Gauleiter’s office and parking space, the mobile Department of Foreign and Modern Languages, and Career Services. At present, we see no indication of arson or other criminal intent.

Lieutenant Colonel Frank O’Malley
Office of Public Safety

Dear Willard College Community,

I’ve been asked by the president, Henry Cotton, to announce that the US ambassador to Argentina, Noah Mamet has cancelled his prior commitment to give the  2014 commencement address for Willard College. His talk, which had been tailor-made for our learning community was entitled “What you need to know, and what you don’t need to know, to succeed in America!” A well known bundler for political campaigns, Mr. Mamet was recently nominated to the ambassadorship of  Argentina, one of the most important of the Central American republics. Widely criticized for not speaking Spanish or knowing where Argentina is, Mr. Mamet would have shared his experiences that led from his nomination by President Obama to his arrival in the capital city of Tegucigalpa.

Our back-up speaker, the recently deceased collector of pre-1933 Central European art, Cornelius Gurlitt, is also not available.

The silver lining in all of this is that the Commencement Procession, “Triumph of the Will at Willard College” will proceed as planned. PLEASE remember to apply flame retardant to your processional gowns!

Finally, the 2014 Commencement Speaker will be none other than President Henry Cotton, who will share some of life’s lessons that he has learned during his tenure as president of our college.

Sincere regards, Provost Gauleiter

Dear Department Chairs, Please remember to use the template pictured above for your 2014-2015 course listings. Each departmental menu will then be incorporated into the Willard College Course Menu which we will be sending out to all incoming Willard students. The Menu will be large format, colorful, easy to read, and laminated for easy cleaning. Please remember to give your courses titles and descriptions that our students will find appetizing.

Best, President Henry Cotton

Attention all Willard College faculty

This is a reminder that the Willard College Career Development Office is officially out of bounds for faculty, whether tenured, on a tenure trailway, or on the FlexFaculty program. The director of the CDO, Dr. Joe Francq, reports that students looking for post-college career opportunities can barely get through the door, much less make appointments with counselors or get on the computers. He has also reported faculty smoking and apparently drinking on the premises.

On a related note, contracts for the 2014-2015 academic year have been delayed at the printers. They will be available by mid-September. If you have received a verbal commitment for the coming year, please consider that as a firm promise from this institution.

Sincerely, President Henry Cotton

Dear President Cotton,

As Chair of the Department of Foreign Modern Languages, and on behalf of the entire faculty, including the remaining tenured professors and our growing force of Flexible Faculty, we are deeply grateful for the investment that Willard College has made to streamlining and modernizing our instructional modalities. As you noted in your memorandum Assessing Assessment, we are moving towards .25 credit courses which, when considered along with the move away from housing the department in a single stationary building, change had to happen, and fast! The mobile classroom-office system generates efficiencies, especially since so few of the faculty require, or are eligible for, the increasingly valuable campus office and classroom space. As we discussed at the meeting last week with you and Provost Gauleiter, being able to provide instructional time while students are being transported from one end of the campus to another, and the ways that this can both backfill interstitial  minutes and also increase credit hour generation , is a model that I hope the rest of the campus can emulate.

Best regards,

Dr. Luce Derangh

Chair, Department of Modern Foreign Languages

P.S. I was thrilled to hear that you and Cheryl Tina had such a nice time in Paris. Sounds like taking an actual French class would have been a waste of time since, as you note, everyone pretty much “speaks English or credit card.” By the way, yes, $350 sounds a bit steep for a cab ride from Charles de Gaulle Airport to downtown. Good thing that was “expense account material!”