We urgent to express our congratulations to Dr. Dunce “Dutch” Ganache who has chosen to depart the professoriate after a distinguished career, work alongside the new Provost for Non-Academics, Dr. Narcisse Nefasto. Within hours of settling into her new position, Dr. Nefasto detected the urgent need for a team to tackle the problems faced by Willard College. Dr. Nefasto expressed her undying gratitude to President Henry Cotton for trusting her with this delicate and important mission-facing project.

Sincerely, Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil

Dear Campus Community, We could not be more thrilled to welcome Provost of Non-Academics, Dr. Narcisse Nefasto. After directing several institutions in upstate New York, Ohio, and Slovenia, we feel fortunate that Dr. Nefasto took a gamble and joined the Willard Team! Dr. Nefasto will head up a number of as yet unnamed “Special Initiatives” as the campus realigns mission, budget, endowment, and enrollment!

Sincerely, Provost Vandergrind

Doctor Dunce “Dutch” Ganache has just published a compendium of his essays, “Checking My Privilege: A Reader.” A popular professor of English at Willard College for many decades, “Dutch” as he is fondly called by his many friends, including President Cotton, share remarks about his new book. “Checking My Privilege” was made possible by the generosity of President Cotton, to whom we should all thank for his tireless, fearless, and selfless leadership.

Let’s all try to do better, as Dr. Dunce “Dutch” Ganache has done. Let’s be positive. Let’s focus on the positive that we can achieve for ourselves, for our students, and for the Willard College!

Sincerely, Provost Vandergrind

Dear Faculty and Staff,

If your Key or Key Card No longer works this is because you have been terminated. We apologize for the inconvenience but the staff person who would normally send termination letters was terminated last week. The facilities manager who manages access is still with us from an employment point of view. You may retain the key or key card post-employment.

With deep appreciation,

Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil

Dear Faculty, Between announced layoffs, COVID-19, and the compensation readjustment, we have been hearing from faculty. Please remember that the President, Dr. Henry Cotton, and his team, care deeply and humanely about each and every one of you. Words and actions cannot truly express the emotional bond we feel towards you.

Please bear this in mind as we move inexorably towards the conclusion of the semester and the implementation of the Emergency Readjustment Plan.

Sincerely, Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil

Dear Faculty,

During the period of Restructuring please refrain from removing office furniture, computers, doorknobs or other hardware, or carpeting from your offices. These are property of Willard College. Please also remember that Willard College is currently in a State of Siege. See the memorandum regarding conduct that is not permitted for any employee.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanks, Special Assistant to the Provost, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil

Dear Willard College, As we enter into the face paced world of the challenging landscape of higher education, we are thrilled to announce the college’s new general counsel, Dr. Rudolph Giuliani!

Sincerely, Provost Vandergrind

Dear Willard Community, We are excited to announce that President Donald J. Trump has asked Willard College to become the home of the Doald J. Trunp Presidential Library. There is nothing more to say. We are so proud and excited.

Details will follow.

Sincerely, Provost Vandergrind

Dear Willard College Students, your families, caretakers, loved ones, etc.

While other colleges jump on the bandwagon of online education in response to the COVID-hoax, Willard College is going forwards by going backwards to the GREAT American tradition of by-mail correspondence courses. Each week, students will receive a package from each faculty. Please fill out the required materials and mail back. Remember to affix the correct postage.

Please also note that not all the faculty who were employed at Willard College last spring are currently employed with us. We expect by mid-November, all course reassignments will be complete. In the meantime, please be patient as we repurpose and humanely redistribute the remaining beloved faculty.

Sincerely, Provost Vandergrind and President Dr. Henry Cotton