Dear Campus, I’m excited to announce a series of drastic cuts that will go into effect immediately across the Willard College campus and community. These cuts come after careful deliberation with the Board of Trustees, President Cotton, Provost Lying, and Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton, who has been hired as a consultant during the vetting and cost-saving study process.

Effective immediately, the following will be implemented

1. Toilet paper will not be provided at campus bathrooms. Bathrooms with low traffic will be closed, the water shut off, the doors locked.
2. Anticipatory involuntary reductions in headcount will occur across campus units, save exempted units. See below.
3. Janitorial, dining hall, and public safety staff will be reduced by 75%. Those duties will be distributed to those faculty who remain employed. Please keep an eye out for a training session. You must do the 8 hour training session to be certified as a custodian, cook, or public safety officer. And you must be certified to remain employed as faculty.
4. Facilities staff, including landscaping, will be introduced to new technologies, including AI, to assist in streamlining as staff capacity is reduced
5. Air conditioning and heating will be available for persons delivering vital services to the college. This includes administration. Faculty access will be determined based on a survey that you will be receiving shortly.
6. Because of the vital role played by sports in maintaining the Willard brand, Athletics is not being reviewed for cuts.

Sincerely, Dr. Ekelhaft Poubelle, Chief Financial Officer

Dear Esteemed and Beloved Trustees of Willard College,

I humbly present relevant information concerning recent rumors to the effect that I, Provost Lying, have, or have attempted, to wield the supreme authority of the college, a power that resides exclusively in the office and person of the President of Willard College, with that person being Dr. President Henry Cotton, whose service to this college remains both unparalleled and sacrificial.

The source of these rumors remains unknown but I have established a committee to determine who is the culpable party. Willard College has faced the threat of false

information before. I refer you to the following cases:

1. Willard College debunks rumors concerning a rise in food-borne illnesses on campus
2. Provost Pillow and President Cotton Refute Rumors
3. Willard College Board of Trustees Repudiate Allegations of Money Laundering
4. President Henry Cotton Refuses to Resign, Announces Promotion

A clear pattern emerges. Rumors circulating are always false.

I have neither the skill or inclination to move beyond the already wide remit of my position as Provost of Willard College, a position that I came to during a period of deep financial and institutional crisis, a crisis that was the fault of forces well beyond the control of our dear and esteemed President, Dr. Henry Cotton, whose steady leadership at the helm remains very steady indeed.

Sincerely, Provost Lying.

Dear Community,

After receiving suggestions that Willard College might thin its supposedly bloated administrative staffing through Artificial Intelligence applications, the Office of the Provost and President’s Commission appointed a working group to study the matter. The working group, composed of seasoned mid-level administrators from the Office of the Provost and the President’s Office joined forces with colleagues in the Dean of Dean’s Office, the office of the Vice President of Vice Presidents Office, the Dean of Parking, the Office of the Vice President of Enrollment Management, and other key stakeholders.

After conducting a series of mathematically significant tests of savings analysis, the working group determined that such a move would be INADVISABLE at this critical juncture in the American Higher Education Landscape.

Inspired by the interest, we are studying AI applications with respect to faculty.

Provost Lying

Dear Willard Community,

Plumbing issues have developed on our campus. Of particular concern, the toilets in the presidential office complex have ceased to function. As such, President Cotton and his staff of 85 are without sanitary facilities. The cost to repair the plumbing is prohibitively expensive. A temporary facility has been installed.

Please consider a donation to the Plumbers Fund!

Best regardlessness,

Eufalua Cotton, Executive Administrative Secretary to Provost Lying

Dear Willard Community,

When a Willard graduate does something, we want you to know about it. Ambrosia Nettle, Willard ’84, has been painting since she graduated from Willard College. We think her latest work is just, well, neat. And how wonderful that it made national news!

Congratulations Ambrosia!

Dear Campus Community,

The Willard College Community Seasonal Holiday Party is just around the corner.

Due to budget shortfalls, and the sudden resignation of Dr. Gene Putz, holiday party organizer and former Professor of Physics, we are having the holiday party in early April.

We hope you had a restful holiday and apologize for the confusion.

Jimmy Peluca, Interim-party organizer

Dear Collegiatians,

As we review the upcoming changes from the Trump Administration, we wanted to give you a sense of some of the key issues that may, or may not, affect, or not affect, Willard College.

First, there are reports that the administration is going to target for investigation all colleges with endowments above $1 billion dollars. Our endowment, thanks to careful stewardship by Dr. Jesse Spagn, remains well below that figure.

There is also concern about federally guaranteed loan programs being eliminated. Again, thanks to the work of Eufalua Cotton, Executive Administrative Secretary to Provost Lying, the paperwork required for eligibility in the program was never filed so, again, we aren’t worried.

At present, we have no international students after the fiasco with North Korean students.

We will continue to update everyone.

Eufalua Cotton, Executive Administrative Secretary to Provost Lying

The lonely walk. … As a leader you have expectations set upon you and outcomes that must be measured. In the same breath you must be mindful of “how” you are received in a room. Rarely do people talk about what you’ve said, but more so how you said it. You can buildout strategy, create data buckets, and show up with best intentions but your biggest rubric as a leader is perception. In essence you’re shadowboxing as you build and manage relationships within a 360° sphere. A mentor told me years ago, regardless of how friendly you try to be as a leader—you will rarely be received as a friend. Hence the lonely walk. … This is not a tale of worry but one of building your leadership acumen. Combat imposter syndrome by being true to yourself. Do not take or cause offense within professional exchanges. The Socratic approach is the best way to build trust and manage your emotions. Remember, it is the “Art” of engagement. Asking questions, listening mindfully, and dispassionately eschewing your own ego leads to better outcomes. You got this. Be well.

President Cotton, but please, call me Henry

President Cotton enjoyed a relaxing and healthy breakfast this morning.

Joe Hairnett, Assistant Director of Dining Services