Dear Willard College Warm and Supportive Community,

Early this morning three faculty were arrested by Campus Public Safety and charged with looting student dorm rooms. Since closing the campus last week and sending remaining students home, the dorms have been empty. Sadly, three faculty members, including a Criminal Justice professor, decided to take advantage of the empty campus to enrich themselves. The three faculty are currently in detention in the Lombroso Center awaiting a judicial review and summary termination of their contracts.

Please, we must stick together during these difficult times. We understand that the freeze on pay and benefits has been difficult for faculty and staff, but know that administration’s decision-making is guided by a concern for your best interests. Always.

Sincerely, President Henry Cotton

Dear CFO Art Madoff and Director of Public Safety, Gerald Ham,

I hope this note finds you and your families well. Cheryl Tina Faye and I continue to social distance and remote administer Willard College from our beach home in Costa del Tuyu. There have been some questions recently about whether all of the college facilities are at present fully insured. Are they? Are there any caveats in terms of coverage, especially concerning fire damage? How does the insurance company determine the point where a building is not salvageable and the College would receive the insurance payout? Are any of the buildings not on automatic sprinklers?

I’m just asking because it seems like during a crisis some of these basic questions might not get asked.

Please DELETE THIS EMAIL AND BURN THE SERVER ON WHICH IT WAS RECEIVED AND READ.

Pres. Cotton

Dear Senior Leadership Team,

I wanted to report back out from last night’s Crisis Response Subcommittee meeting. You’ll recall that the Subcommittee is composed of members of the Senior Leadership Team. After a robust and purposeful and mindful discussion, facilitated by Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton (kudos!), they developed what I think is a firm, rational, and fair response to the ongoing enrollment apocalypse that we are facing from now until 2025. Critical to their work is the French legal concept “Sauve Qui Peut.”

Over the next week, the Crisis Response Action Subcommittee will review the Crisis Response Subcommittee’s recommendation and bring to my desk the specific recommendations but I wanted to share some preliminary suggestions.

1. Senior Leadership is vital to the operation of Willard College
2. Replacing Senior Leadership post-crisis would present undue financial burden on College
3. Fiduciary Responsibility Lies with Senior Leadership Team’s Executive Council
4. Faculty and Staff Positions are Fungible; Senior Leadership Positions are Afungible
5. Senior Leadership Salary Reductions (proposed by disgruntled faculty) will lead to loss of Senior Leadership talent pool

In the next week, specific policies will be announced

Sincerely, and with heartfelt thanks, President Cotton and Dean of Students, Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton

Dear Willard College Community,

There is no reason to panic about COVID-19 which is no more than a mild cold in most cases. Risk Assessment has been in consultation with our VP of Financial Affairs and we can to the determination that closing campus poses a greater risk to our financial well-being than COVID-19 will to our students’ health. What happens if COVID-19 should appear on campus? Fortunately, as our campus is on a former hospital, we have a wide array of quarantine facilities that can be updated and student ready in a week’s time. Students who test positive for COVID-19, or in the likely absence of the test kits, shows a temperature of about 1 degree above normal, will be confined to the College’s famous unit for the Dangerous Insane.

There is no call for panic. Plan right, sleep tight. Plan wrong, etc.

Sincerely,

President Cotton

Dear Senior Leadership Team, Has anyone seen this individual on campus. He goes by Frank “Blinky” Palermo and may in fact be the person we are looking for. He supposedly died in 1996, but anyway, if you see this man, please let me know. No need to get the police involved. I may need a small cash advance.

Quietly,

Henry Cotton

Dear Senior Administration Team,

We just got a cease and desist order and a law suit from someone named “Blinky Palermo.” Does anyone know who this person is, why they are suing us, if they ever worked at Willard College, what the conflict with Willard might be, and if they would be willing to sit down and negotiate. Do we know if their real name is “Blinky?” Willard College needs another law suit like we need a hole in our head. We had our lowest number of applying students in two decades this year. Our endowment is now at -$409,834.56. That is, the endowment owes the fund managers. Several dorms have been shuttered. Faculty are going on wild cat strike next semester unless they get paid. Students are apparently organizing their own strike. So, let me repeat. Who is Blinky Palermo and how can we stop this person from hammering one more nail in our coffin?

Secretly,

President Cotton

The season is upon us. The boughs of mistletoe, the fragrance of pine. As you may have heard, Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton and I have been temporarily separated now for a few months. She’s in Costa Rica trying to sort things out. Yoga, surfing, and four hour long massages. Meanwhile, I’m here, working up a list of leadership readings to get me back into the leadership head space.

See everyone back in January.

Dr. Henry Cotton

I didn’t slave away at the Health Center for 63 years to be tossed to the curb. The previous news about my resignation is a LIE. I’ve locked myself into my office and until they cut off the power I will continue to defend my reputation and job from that bastard Dr. Henry Co………………..

Dear Faculty and Staff,

Effective this morning, Dr. Faux resigned as director of the Willard College Health Center. Dr. Faux has been with Willard College for 63 years, since we were a psychiatric hospital and so we see in his resignation that last bridge to the past departing. Dr. Faux’s pioneering work in leucotomy raised his profile nationally. Dr. Faux was successful in cutting costs and helping students to not seek out unnecessary and unnecessarily costly medical interventions. Dr. Faux was also the sole medical staff at our Health Center so please direct students to the Sylvester County Hospital for any life-threatening or routine medical concerns.

Thanks again Dr. Faux!

Love, Dr. Henry Cotton