As we close out another year at Willard College, I want share some highlights
We improved our enrollment metrics.
Our KPI (key performance indicators) got reassessed.
We restocked post-it notes for all administrative units.
There were no on-campus arson incidents.
Our faculty-to-student ratio continues to widen.
We continue to exist. Willard College is still here.
Life is Good!
With lovely gratitude, President Henry Cotton
Dear Enrollment Management Staff,
We continue to be in crisis mode. First, Francisco Marshall Zanz is threatening to jump ship to Swamp College (or Pinecone College). And now Jimmy Salad is asking too many questions. He is interested in playing baseball. He appears to have done no research on Willard and doesn’t know about that issue with the NCAA last year. He also reminded us about the NCAA rule about athletes’ rights to their images, compensation, etc. Again, he doesn’t seem to know that we aren’t ‘cooperating’ with the NCAA. He also asked if there were any beaches nearby. No one has swum in Lake Willard since the oil spill a decade ago. But again, he doesn’t seem to have researched that. We aren’t clear about his geographic literacy. Jimmy’s admission’s essay was interesting.
In short, he is the perfect candidate for Willard College. He asked about scholarships. I think we can put off a clear answer, perhaps mention some vague figures, promise something pending his commitment and payment of the down payment.
Any other bright ideas out there?
Phoenicia Apple, Vice President of Enrollment Management and Gary Chorizo, General Counsel
Dear Willard College Learners and Learning Facilitators and Learning Facilitator Facilitators,
I know that you have been reading stories of colleges that have gone belly up. Wells College, College of St. Rose, and Cazenovia come to mind. But let me be clear, it will take more than a demographic cliff, high debt, high debt to income ratio, chaotic and ever shifting curricular planning, chronically low enrollment, deferred maintenance costs that outstrip income and endowment, and an endowment that is in the negative territory to kill us.
We are Willard Strong. Willard College’s future is bright.
Focusing on the negative, as Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton so often reminds me, and us, only leads to negative manifestations which lead to negative outcomes.
What can you do? Stay positive. Don’t get into the weeds about what the administration is doing and how much we are compensated to do that which we do, and give support, emotional or even financial, to the team of experts, who in consultation with Erie Consultants, is going to turn this ship on to a new course. Soon. Very soon.
With warmthly love, Henry Cotton, your president
High Priority!
We received information today that indicates that Francisco Marshall Zanz is dialing back his interest in Willard after Swamp College made him a pitch. The Office of Enrollment Management is on 24-7 emergency footing to snatch this prospective student from Swamp. We have the whole team on it. Laser focused.
Phoenicia Apple, Vice President of Enrollment Management and Gary Chorizo, General Counsel
Willard College Office of Enrollment Management is thrilled to introduce the Willard College community to Francisco Marshall Zanz, prospective student.
Mr. Zanz is interested in Willard College’s Clown Studies Program. Zanz told us “when I found out about the Clown studies program, I was really excited. Clowning combines all my passions: music, art, performance, and post-structuralist feminist literary theory.” And speaking of art, Zanz says he’s “excited to work with one of the most important artists of my lifetime, Felix Drubb. His ‘Stairs’ project is so, I don’t even know the, the words.” Music programs? Zanz plans to fulfill his lifelong ambition and will minor in Didgeridoo.
What else is appealing to Mr. Zanz? “I love the flexible approach to credits. I don’t want to feel restricted in what classes I take, or don’t take, and the credits that I can earn, or don’t earn, towards graduation.” He continued “I want to be like Stewie Cake. Just like Cake.”
Zanz found the application process easy compared to other schools that require test scores, essays, and other boring paper work. “Just pay and go. Like if you were going on vacation or buying a hamburger. Whatever.”
Zanz thought about other colleges.” “Swamp College and Pinecone College were ok, but Willard? They sent me a t-shirt.” How about the food? “Yeah, I met Chauncy Fly. How many college tours introduce you to the director of dining services? He gave me some cupcakes.”
The ball is in your court Mr. Zanz. We can’t wait to see you in the Fall!
Phoenicia Apple, Vice President of Enrollment Management and Gary Chorizo, General Counsel
Dear Campus Employees,
The poster pictured above has been seen around campus during the last few weeks. Remember, our attitude matters. Negativity feeds on itself and breeds discontent. We all need to work as a team. We are a team. Everyone matters, be they a lowly part-time professor of Norse Poetry or an exalted administrator. We are all here for the same purpose.
Let’s go Willard!
Dear All, Quick follow up. We have been informed by State Regulators, that our plan for the college’s eventual, but not inevitable, collapse (or sinking as I used a nautical reference) requires that a full time person continue to be employed by the Registrar’s Office to mail out Willard College degrees and transcripts until the last Willard College graduate has ceased to be.
We are looking for recommendations of a single dedicated employee who is willing to be left behind.
Thanks, President Henry Cotton
Willard College 