At 9am this morning, during the Department of Foreign Modern Languages weekly meeting, a verbal altercation commenced between Pro and Anti-Cotton factions. While French faculty lobbied for the department to reject the return of President Cotton and supported the restoration of currently ex-President (and ex-provost) Gauleiter, Spanish faculty issued a robust defense of President Cotton. Under the banner “Without Cotton, there is no Willard. And Willard is nothing without Cotton,” Spanish faculty proceeded to physically assault the French faculty who then called upon support from the last remaining professor of Latin who tripped over his own sandals and had to be hospitalized with a sprained wrist and an anxiety attack.