Dear Willard College Learners and Learning Facilitators and Learning Facilitator Facilitators,

I know that you have been reading stories of colleges that have gone belly up. Wells College, College of St. Rose, and Cazenovia come to mind. But let me be clear, it will take more than a demographic cliff, high debt, high debt to income ratio, chaotic and ever shifting curricular planning, chronically low enrollment, deferred maintenance costs that outstrip income and endowment, and an endowment that is in the negative territory to kill us.

We are Willard Strong. Willard College’s future is bright.

Focusing on the negative, as Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton so often reminds me, and us, only leads to negative manifestations which lead to negative outcomes.

What can you do? Stay positive. Don’t get into the weeds about what the administration is doing and how much we are compensated to do that which we do, and give support, emotional or even financial, to the team of experts, who in consultation with Erie Consultants, is going to turn this ship on to a new course. Soon. Very soon.

With warmthly love, Henry Cotton, your president

High Priority!

We received information today that indicates that Francisco Marshall Zanz is dialing back his interest in Willard after Swamp College made him a pitch. The Office of Enrollment Management is on 24-7 emergency footing to snatch this prospective student from Swamp. We have the whole team on it. Laser focused.

Phoenicia Apple, Vice President of Enrollment Management and Gary Chorizo, General Counsel

Dear Campus Employees,

The poster pictured above has been seen around campus during the last few weeks. Remember, our attitude matters. Negativity feeds on itself and breeds discontent. We all need to work as a team. We are a team. Everyone matters, be they a lowly part-time professor of Norse Poetry or an exalted administrator. We are all here for the same purpose.

Let’s go Willard!

Dear All, Quick follow up. We have been informed by State Regulators, that our plan for the college’s eventual, but not inevitable, collapse (or sinking as I used a nautical reference) requires that a full time person continue to be employed by the Registrar’s Office to mail out Willard College degrees and transcripts until the last Willard College graduate has ceased to be.

We are looking for recommendations of a single dedicated employee who is willing to be left behind.

Thanks, President Henry Cotton

Dear Willard Communities,

As Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton and I look back on the semester, with the Thanksgiving holiday around the corner, we are filled with gratitude and humility for everything we have achieved. Let’s review some of my accomplishments. In September, I was the Keynote Speaker at the Regional Conference of College Presidents of Colleges. The RCCPC’s membership is restricted to presidents of colleges. I shared my big picture, data-informed, but not data-driven, path to success. In October, we attended a number of gala events, some of which featured me as a keynote speaker. I’m sharing the Willard story far and wide. Late October, I went on a fact-finding mission to visit college campuses in Florida and the Bahamas.

Willard College has a bright future. With a renewed commitment to a strong, plentiful, and nimble administrative apparatus we can literally go no where but up!

Thankfully, Dr. President Henry Cotton

Dr. Larry Shames recently opened a box of cookies only to discover that it contained not 10 cookies and not 12 cookies, but 11 cookies. Troubled by this odd situation, Dr. Shames is searching for the missing cookie. If you have seen this cookie, please contact public safety. If you find this news disturbing, the Counseling Center has extra staff on duty.

Thanks, Eufalua Cotton, Executive Administrative Secretary to Provost Lying, Gary Chorizo, General Counsel-interim and Glendale Poulet, Director of Public Safety

Dear Campus Community, Late last week, Dr. Larry Shames, Biology, found a half-used deodorant and is trying to locate its owner. The attached photograph shows the deodorant and the location where Dr. Shames discovered it. In the interest of reuniting the deodorant with its owner, Dr. Shames has canceled classes and office hours, and has making a point to visit every single faculty, staff, and student. While we applaud Dr. Shames’ tireless, relentless perhaps, efforts, we feel that our social media might be of service so that Dr. Shames can return to his regular duties.

When not chasing down the owner of deodorant, Dr. Shames works in the field of cryptozoology. During his storied career at Willard College, Dr. Shames has (self) published papers that prove the existence of the Loch Ness Monster and other hitherto poorly understood fauna.

Thanks,

Eufalua Cotton, Executive Administrative Secretary to Provost Lying, Gary Chorizo, General Counsel-interim and Glendale Poulet, Director of Public Safety