Dear Faculty, Staff, and Senior Executive Leadership Team Administrators,

Please delete and disregard the last email you received from President Henry Cotton. That email was intended for an on-line content provider in the Ukraine. That provider’s server penetrated the Willard College server and resent Dr. Cotton’s email to the campus community along with their response to a service request from Dr. Cotton. If you did open the email and view the files, please call the Willard College Institutional Technology Service and they can scrub your hard drive.

Sincerely, Glax Wutterman, WCITS

Following national trends, best practices, and widespread community demand, Dr. President Henry Cotton has been named to the board of trustees of the Sylvester County Savings and Loan.

We are wishing all of campus a blessed summer and a fruitful resting of mind, spirit, body, and psyche. As we prepare for the upcoming semester, we wanted to share about our summer. Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton’s mother visited us from Kissimmee, Florida, where she lives with her fifth husband, Rick. As always, they made the long trek northward in Rick’s 2018 RV. He buys a new one every January! Henry started to practice yoga (again!) and devotes two hours to this practice every morning in the TV room (which has been anointed by a local yoga master who sprayed the room with water from the Ganges). Cheryl Tina Faye continued to do her daily journaling and in the process found a new calling, scrap-booking. After some mindful discussions, the Cottons elected to buy a new refrigerator with a bottom freezer drawer and no ice machine. We find that machine ice has a metallic flavor and we prefer hand crafted ice. Henry attempted to adopt a new cat but after a transitional period of two weeks, we decided that Cheryl Tina Faye was unable to adapt to the new situation.

With devotional love, Henry and Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton, PhDs

Willard College Assistant Professor of Physics, Wylie Haymen, has published a poem in the Arkansas Correctional Officers Newsletter, “The Guard.” Published bi-annually, Dr. Haymen had submitted his poem, “Seedlings Waiting,” 9 times before the “The Guard” published the four line ode which the author has generously allowed us to reproduce in its entirety.

Stand down, seedling

It is time to get the fuck out of this cell

And grow, grow, grow.

Get the fuck out of this cell.

Dr. Haymen has been assistant professor of Physics at Willard College since 1989. He recently co-chaired the President’s Forum on Assessment Alternatives and has served since 1994 on the Parking Subcommittee. He is three times divorced and has several adult children with whom he no longer speaks. Beloved by his students, his innovative teaching includes having Introduction to Physics students build model rail road scenarios in the basement of the house he shares with his mother, Henrietta Haymen, who supervised the Female Ward for the Criminally Insane at the old Willard Asylum before it was closed and became Willard College. Dr. Haymen never knew his father who came from a long line of cheese producers.

Dear President Cotton, Campus Public Safety wishes to inform you that a wildcat strike by faculty began last night at midnight. Faculty have barricaded themselves in their offices and are flying red banners outside their windows. The banners read “Death to Cotton! Long Live the Autonomous People’s Faculty Front!” As of 12:53pm today, there have been no classes. In some sectors of the campus, isolated fires have been lit. Several students have been detained and upon searching them we discovered in their possession books of questionable ideological orientation. We are mobilizing a Counter-Strike Team to assess modalities to infiltrate the Autonomous People’s Faculty Front. On the positive side of the equation, each faculty is barricaded in her or his individual office and so we have already cut off communication between offices but cutting off wifi and cell tower service. On the negative, I think you’ll agree that this situation reflects poorly on the campus, especially given our enrollment deficits, upcoming Commencement celebrations, and the last week of class (not necessarily in that order).

We continue to monitor and assess the situation.

Cpt. Frank Asturias

Willard College faculty, Your attendance at the XIVI Commencement is a contractual requirement. As such, faculty who do not appear on campus by 4 a.m. this Sunday will be forcibly detained and brought to campus, so as to be ready to march by 9 a.m.

During the Granular Examination process, the Office of Student Clubs determined that best practices preclude the Willard College Cooking Club from cooking. As the report noted “we are following best practices as exemplified by Penn State’s recent ban of the Outdoors Club going outdoors. Cooking, like camping, hiking, canoeing, walking, bird-watching, etc., is dangerous and the College should not incur financial loss or brand damage that may proceed from accidents or other incidents.” Effective immediately, students may not cook on campus.

Sincerely,

Dr. Cándido Foa, PhD

I have directed all levels of administration, from my office down to Supervisors of Janitorial Staff, to conduct a Granular Examination of every single aspect of Willard College’s operation. Each unit must submit within 24 hours of the issuance of this memorandum a complete breakdown of every single expenditure, from salaries and wages to paper clips. This directive is motivated by clear evidence that the college is not operating a top efficiency, that waste has become endemic, that staff and faculty operate with neither transparency nor responsibility. Granular Examination will be followed by Granular Assessment and Protocol Reassessment.

thank you,

Dr. Candido Foa on behalf of President Cotton