Dear President Cotton, Campus Public Safety wishes to inform you that a wildcat strike by faculty began last night at midnight. Faculty have barricaded themselves in their offices and are flying red banners outside their windows. The banners read “Death to Cotton! Long Live the Autonomous People’s Faculty Front!” As of 12:53pm today, there have been no classes. In some sectors of the campus, isolated fires have been lit. Several students have been detained and upon searching them we discovered in their possession books of questionable ideological orientation. We are mobilizing a Counter-Strike Team to assess modalities to infiltrate the Autonomous People’s Faculty Front. On the positive side of the equation, each faculty is barricaded in her or his individual office and so we have already cut off communication between offices but cutting off wifi and cell tower service. On the negative, I think you’ll agree that this situation reflects poorly on the campus, especially given our enrollment deficits, upcoming Commencement celebrations, and the last week of class (not necessarily in that order).

We continue to monitor and assess the situation.

Cpt. Frank Asturias