Dear Esteemed and Beloved Trustees of Willard College,

I humbly present relevant information concerning recent rumors to the effect that I, Provost Lying, have, or have attempted, to wield the supreme authority of the college, a power that resides exclusively in the office and person of the President of Willard College, with that person being Dr. President Henry Cotton, whose service to this college remains both unparalleled and sacrificial.

The source of these rumors remains unknown but I have established a committee to determine who is the culpable party. Willard College has faced the threat of false

information before. I refer you to the following cases:

1. Willard College debunks rumors concerning a rise in food-borne illnesses on campus
2. Provost Pillow and President Cotton Refute Rumors
3. Willard College Board of Trustees Repudiate Allegations of Money Laundering
4. President Henry Cotton Refuses to Resign, Announces Promotion

A clear pattern emerges. Rumors circulating are always false.

I have neither the skill or inclination to move beyond the already wide remit of my position as Provost of Willard College, a position that I came to during a period of deep financial and institutional crisis, a crisis that was the fault of forces well beyond the control of our dear and esteemed President, Dr. Henry Cotton, whose steady leadership at the helm remains very steady indeed.

Sincerely, Provost Lying.