Today is a momentous day for Willard College, when we gather to joyfully celebrate the origin story of Willard College. It all started as dream of a young cheesemonger, Willard Sylvester. Tired of cheesemongering, and dairy work more generally, he happened upon a slim volume that described a new notetaking technique called stenography. Intrigued, he pored over the book for weeks until his wife grew concerned. She called the family doctor who prescribed cold baths, purgatives, and measured doses of opium. When that failed, she called the town judge. He was about to be committed to the local asylum when he snapped out of his fevered state and announced his vision. “I will create The New American College of Stenography.” What started as a small storefront operation with Sylvester as the only teacher, as well as bursar, provost, and president, soon expanded into a venerable institution that taught not just stenography but also other skills needed to support America’s growing office work force. As the school expanded, he was joined by colleague and office professional, Bartelby Melville. Some of the favorite courses included “Staple removal,” “Paper clip storage,” and “Looking Busy: How do Keep up Appearance.”

The story of how The New American College of Stenography grew into Willard College is a familiar story and I will not belabor the telling here.

Sincerely, President Henry Cotton

Dear Campus, I’m excited to announce a series of drastic cuts that will go into effect immediately across the Willard College campus and community. These cuts come after careful deliberation with the Board of Trustees, President Cotton, Provost Lying, and Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton, who has been hired as a consultant during the vetting and cost-saving study process.

Effective immediately, the following will be implemented

1. Toilet paper will not be provided at campus bathrooms. Bathrooms with low traffic will be closed, the water shut off, the doors locked.
2. Anticipatory involuntary reductions in headcount will occur across campus units, save exempted units. See below.
3. Janitorial, dining hall, and public safety staff will be reduced by 75%. Those duties will be distributed to those faculty who remain employed. Please keep an eye out for a training session. You must do the 8 hour training session to be certified as a custodian, cook, or public safety officer. And you must be certified to remain employed as faculty.
4. Facilities staff, including landscaping, will be introduced to new technologies, including AI, to assist in streamlining as staff capacity is reduced
5. Air conditioning and heating will be available for persons delivering vital services to the college. This includes administration. Faculty access will be determined based on a survey that you will be receiving shortly.
6. Because of the vital role played by sports in maintaining the Willard brand, Athletics is not being reviewed for cuts.

Sincerely, Dr. Ekelhaft Poubelle, Chief Financial Officer

Dear Esteemed and Beloved Trustees of Willard College,

I humbly present relevant information concerning recent rumors to the effect that I, Provost Lying, have, or have attempted, to wield the supreme authority of the college, a power that resides exclusively in the office and person of the President of Willard College, with that person being Dr. President Henry Cotton, whose service to this college remains both unparalleled and sacrificial.

The source of these rumors remains unknown but I have established a committee to determine who is the culpable party. Willard College has faced the threat of false

information before. I refer you to the following cases:

1. Willard College debunks rumors concerning a rise in food-borne illnesses on campus
2. Provost Pillow and President Cotton Refute Rumors
3. Willard College Board of Trustees Repudiate Allegations of Money Laundering
4. President Henry Cotton Refuses to Resign, Announces Promotion

A clear pattern emerges. Rumors circulating are always false.

I have neither the skill or inclination to move beyond the already wide remit of my position as Provost of Willard College, a position that I came to during a period of deep financial and institutional crisis, a crisis that was the fault of forces well beyond the control of our dear and esteemed President, Dr. Henry Cotton, whose steady leadership at the helm remains very steady indeed.

Sincerely, Provost Lying.