Dear President Cotton,
The Office of Public Safety is currently dealing with active fires at the following locations: your office, your parking space, the Athletics Center, Financial Aid, all of the cafeterias, the FlexFax Offices, Provost Gauleiter’s office and parking space, the mobile Department of Foreign and Modern Languages, and Career Services. At present, we see no indication of arson or other criminal intent.
Lieutenant Colonel Frank O’Malley
Office of Public Safety
Willard College 
spontaneous combustion!
Strange.
hmm this seems rather suspicious to me…
Must be all the faculty teaching like their hair was on fire…and it was.
Dear Mr. Ssvolk (how do you pronounce your name?), There is no indication that disgruntled faculty started the fires, as your email would seem to suggest. Sincerely, Provost Gauleiter
[…] Dear President Cotton, Regarding your last letter, I decline your kind request that I resign my position as Vice Interim Provost of Willard College. Since the sudden departure of Provost Gauleiter, and the scandal that accompanied the related and very public impending divorce from your future ex-wife, Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton, the Board of Trustees, in their great wisdom, appointed me to this position. It is clear from my contract that I answer to the Board and not to you. My primary charge is to clarify Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton’s precise relationship to the financial health of this institution, specifically to the question of unaccounted and/or missing funds, a damaged college vehicle, and a rather serious case of arson. […]
[…] to question whether we were hiring too many administrators. When the College experienced some unspecified disturbances, including a number of fires, many pointed the finger at Dr. Prodrigo, who also raised a number of […]