Objects, of undetermined origin and nature, have been located in the Willard College Swimming Pool which has been closed for the foreseeable future. If anyone saw anyone, or anything, that might be considered suspect at the pool yesterday, please contact head lifeguard Byron “Sammy” McDanielsberg.
We know this is disappointing the numerous kids attending summer camps at Willard College! Sorry.
Willard lost everyone’s emails. All of them. Every single last one. No one has anything, including addresses so people have to manually look up emails in the paper directory. Because the department websites all crashed. Sadly, this also impacted payroll so no one is getting paid until August. Except administrators who felicitously are on a different payroll system that works out of bank in Suriname.
Cut backs during the last few years have weakened the College’s IT department. Fortunately, as you may know, our Department of Computers is assisting in getting everyone back on line. The chair of the Department, Melissa Gristle, is working on it!
Dear Willard College Communities, If you have been unable to reach the Department of Compuers either by phone or email, you are not alone! It looks as if the server platform is not aligning well with the pairing that was done last week by the consultants who came into to perform said work. It is a pretty technical problem that involves wiring issues, out of date software and failure to renewal licenses, bugs in the hardware, etc. My personal motto: “I like failure because it is so easy to achieve!”
Professor Melissa Thistle, Chair of the Department of Compuers
After a brief Hiatus, the Department of Computers is back online! Please join us for an information session where you can learn about the cutting edge courses and seminars available to students. Many of our courses are available to be taken remotely. Live the dream. Technology is our future. Be the future. Dream the Future!
Dr. Melissa Gristle, Professor and Chair of the Department of Computers
Willard College does not forget its great teachers. Too often they are forgotten. And so we are celebrating one of the great ones. Maples Schimmerling. Willard College Professor. Extraordinaire. Thanks Maples!
Do you listen? Do you really listen? Do you listen empathetically? Do you feel the words you are hearing? Do you HEAR but not LISTEN? If you can answer any of those questions, the required “Empathetic Listening: The Journal Experience” is the answer. Hosted by our very own Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton, Director of Counseling Services, Professor of Psychology, member of the Board of Trustees, mother to two children, step mother to three children, and former step mother of several other children, the workshop promises to be a building experience.
The workshop is required for all Faculty and Staff and lasts Monday-Friday, 8am-5pm. There will be weekly sessions all summer. Please sign up now! As space is limited!
As you may know, we’ve had a tumultuous past few months with respect to Enrollment Management. As Fall enrollment numbers plunged, we made a series of bold administrative moves. First, we fired the entire staff of the Office of Enrollment Management. We then hired consultants to evaluate what was going on. Their report suggested problems beyond the Office of Enrollment Management, so that team was rehired, minus the majority who had found new jobs in the intervening 46 hours. Dr. Knight Waist comes to Willard with years of experience in corporate human resource work. If you’ve ever dined at an Arby’s or Olive Garden, you’ve benefited from Dr. Waist’s expertise!
We are really excited to unleash the new promotional material for Willard College. All outgoing materials will feature the phrase “Chose Willard!” This new phrase has been carefully vetted by both our in house team and by Willard College graduate focus groups. We hope this will inspire a new generation of high school students to “Chose Willard!”
Chose Willard!
Sincerely,
Dr. Colney Hatch, Vice President of Marketing and Development
Dear Community, In a recent memorandum concerning the Five Stages of Employment at Willard College we neglected to list Gary Chorizo’s position at the college. We would like to apologize for this oversight. The mistake was made because Mr. Chorizo is currently in the process of being Off-Planked and his paper work was in transit.
After an individual has been hired by Willard College, has signed the contract, they embark upon a FIVE stage process. We at Human Resources, hope this simple lay out will help employees navigate the experience, the Willard Experience, with great comfort and confidence.
Phase One: Onboarding
You will receive keys, passwords, and other equipment required to complete your work
Phase Two: Orientation
This is not the same as Onboarding.
Phase Three: Onboard
The non gerund of “onboarding.” During “onboard,” the individual is an employee of Willard College
Phase Four: Off-Planking
The employee is now a former employee, their employment having been terminated. Off-planking involves returning keys, equipment, and having passwords changed.
Phase Five: Deplanking
The former employee sues Willard College. The College retaliates with its own array of law suits. The former employee is required to sign an agreement, the Deplanking Agreement, wherein they agree to deny having ever worked at Willard College.
We hope this clarifies any confusion,
Sincerely, Dean Thomas Gristle, Vice President of Financial Affairs and Chair of the Campus Beautification Committee and Gary Chorizo
Willard College 