Details to be announced soon

Dear President Cotton, I just received a note from Johnny Willard, President of Swamp College, telling me that he is authorizing all available Public Safety Officers to proceed immediately to Willard College to quell the ongoing disturbances on our campus. President Willard mentioned that while “Dr. Cotton and I have had our differences over the years, we both agree on the importance of maintaining order on campus.” That message came late last night, however, and the officers have not yet appeared. We believe that they may be having difficulty finding Willard College so we’ve sent a unit out to locate their whereabouts.

OK, back to the issue at hand.

Provost Vandergrind

Dear Campus Community,

We are currently on lockdown following the Willard-Swamp football game. The problems began when the Swamp College team arrived 3 hours late to the game. Apparently, the bus drivers had difficulty finding Willard College! We were already monitoring on campus incidents in the pre-game hours fueled by a toxic blend of beer, boredom, and bedlam. Swamp College went on to beat Willard 133-3. With three minutes left, Willard students swarmed the field, tore up the newly installed astro-turf, and proceeded to create mayhem throughout campus. President Cotton’s parking space was torched but rioting students failed to reach his offices thanks to the diligence of campus Public Safety officers.

All classes are canceled today. Students are confined to dormitories. Please report any incidents immediately to the proper authorities! And have a great Monday.

Provost Vandergrind

Dear Willard College Sports Fans,

Willard College plays Swamp College on Saturday at the newly astroturfed and newly renamed Franklin Cotton Stadium. Last year the college renamed the stadium after Henry Cotton’s father, who was also a patron of the college and gave generously in in-kind gifts from his cinderblock manufacturing firm. As you may know, with our new coach Isaiah “Ike the Spike” Samuels, we anticipate an exciting season for football.

Go Loonies!

Provost Vandergrind

Willard College once again renews its commitment to being stewards of the land upon which our glorious college was built, while recognizing that we are on stolen land, and also acknowledging that we have much work to do in repairing the world which we have so selfishly destroyed, and also thinking deeply about how we might do better, and also remembering that the work we must do is not easy and will likely not happen in the current academic calendar year due to budget cutbacks, prior commitments, and so forth.

Provost Vandergrind in collaboration with President Henry Cotton

September 11 is an auspicious day to announce that Willard College is proud to announce the purchase of the apartment of America’s Mayor, Rudy Giuliani! We are confident that this purchase, while a financial stretch will help to continue to raise the Willard College brand and profile in an ever more competitive college market. The apartment will be used as base of operations for Dr. President Henry Cotton’s impressive fundraising efforts!

Dear Campus,

It is a rare thing to find a faculty member with such devotion to our Willard College. Dr. Nigel Swarms hails from across the pond and came to us after completing most of a doctoral program in English Literature at High Point University. His dissertation proposal, “Buddhist Philosophy and Shakespeare’s Richard III” is considered one of the promising documents of its kind. Upon arrival to our campus, Dr. Swarms decided housing was too expensive and the commute wasted time better spent in scholarly pursuits. With a hot water heater, a mini-fridge, and a fold up cot, he has made his office into a cozy little home. Dr. Swarms has not left campus in over 14 years because he has no need to do so. When asked if he wouldn’t enjoy leaving campus he responded in his well-known manner of brevity: “I would prefer not to.” I neither would we!

Thank you Dr. Swarms!

Provost Vandergrind

Dearest Loving Willard Community,

Starting today you will be seeing Provost Vandergrind on campus using a gold cart. We at the highest levels of senior leadership believe that the Provost needs to be able to move around campus in as efficient a manner as possible. So don’t be surprised to see him going between classes and even into buildings in his golf cart. Please wave him down if you want to chat, hear about the latest exciting innovations at Willard College that promises to bring us forward towards the 2023-2024 Strategic Plan of “Care Loudly.” Provost Vandergrind is never too busy to spare a few minutes in his busy schedule to hear your ideas!

Sincerely, Associate Provost and Legal Counsel for Willard College, Jimmy Crackers

We faithfully reproduce Provost Vandergrind’s empathetic message to our students about EMPATHY:

Dear Willard College Scholars and Learnerers, There is no quality in a person greater, more magnificent, more wonderful, than EMPATHY. The word derives from the Greek to feel and absorb other’s pain. I want you to feel my pain today as I share how I showed our beloved President Henry Cotton EMPATHY as he was processing HIS pain about Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton’s recent arrest and indictment on racketeering and money laundering charges. Because I found my own empathy, I was able to patiently listen as President Cotton screamed at me for three hours about the abovementioned crisis and also the state of the college’s reputation, finances, and a series of possible indictments that members of the upper administration will likely face, along with several lawsuits by former faculty.

So my message to you Willard College scholars is DIG DEEP. BREATHE. Hold our beloved President and his dear wife in your hearts.

Have a great semester!

Dear Board of Trustees,

I figured you all should hear it from me, Pastel Lumbar, Athletic Director, and not from the media. Willard College’s Equestrian Team has been permanently banned from competition. Hey, it is bullshit but let me tell you what the state is telling me and Jimmy Crackers. Basic rundown: some problems with medication of the horses, possible action on school based competition, some allegations of having the team race horses on weekends, and some questions about conditions in the stables. The whole thing is a bad beat. Anyway, even money Crackers can get us of the fix we are in.

OK, give a call because I’d rather not have anything else down on paper. Can’t figure out this email thing.

Pastel Lumbar, Athletic Director